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Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on March 8, 2017 at 8:13am

Kevin.    I don't know if I will ever see HIM again..in life or death.  I saw "The Shack" yesterday hoping it would help me.  It didn't.  I still don't know if I believe.  I loved him and he loved me back so much that if it were possible he would have given me a sign.  Sometimes I think he has and I just have not recognized it  It's been a year and I'm probably feeling worse.  He was a beautiful man and now people have forgotten him, no one mentions his name.  I can't mention his name.....it makes people uncomfortable.  I'm glad that you feel you will see your wife again.  I wish that I could have your faith.  God bless us all.

Permalink Reply by Maxey on March 30, 2017 at 1:12pm

Oleta, my new thought is that I ask God that when I close my eyes for the last time, I just want to see my husband standing there waiting for me. I want him to be smiling, calling my name, and holding out his arms to me. If it is all an illusion, I do not care, I just want that to be my last image. If that happens and death is just nothingness, I will have had this image and then I do not care.
This waking up each morning to the emptiness of life is really taking its toll on me. My neighbors are my age, and they walk every day holding hands, talking, and smiling at one another; it just about takes my breath away since that used to be my husband and me.
I have to look away when I see them since it gives me an actual ache in my chest. I am happy and envious for them at the same time. I realize that is never going to happen again for me, and it is an unbearable thought.
I wish I knew some magic thing that could give me one day's peace from this grief.
Maxey

Permalink Reply by Kevin Bailey on March 8, 2017 at 10:21am

Oleta, Please NEVER stop speaking his name. Your love for him just like the love I have for my beautiful wife is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. We will always love them and as far as I'm concerned, if people don't understand that then I don't need them in my life. Nobody can understand what we're going through unless they loved and lost like us. You will see him again , just please keep his name and memories alive in your heart. Take care and God bless.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on March 8, 2017 at 12:17pm

Kevin,  When I'm alone, I speak his name.  Sometimes I yell his name.  He existed, he was here on this earth.  I went to the grocery store this morning and as usual, started to cry.  It seems like anywhere we ever went together..if I go there I cry.  There are no words or phrases are there, for how much we miss them.  I am lucky in that I can still hear his voice.  All of my widowed friends cannot hear their spouse's voice anymore.  One thing surprises me, I'm not afraid to be alone in this house and I had imagined that I would be.  All I can think of is how much we miss them.  We always said "I love you", to one another.  I don't think I ever told him he was the best thing that ever happened in my life.  He was and I hope somehow he knows/knew it.  I can still see him looking at me that last day.  He absolutely knew he was dying.  I have never seen so much on anyone's face.  I miss him as you miss your wife.  God bless.;

Permalink Reply by Maxey on March 8, 2017 at 7:33pm

I also hate to go to the stores where my husband and I shopped. Sometimes, I look down the aisles and imagine he is walking toward me with that smile and wave. I also look at older couples talking about what to buy, and I stop and look at them with this longing and ache in my heart. Will this ache ever ease up? I don't think so since it has been 16 months and I feel worse each month that passes.
Sometimes I wonder if there is some chemical in my brain that will not allow me to let go of this horror. Some people just move on and start a new life. I think it is because we found these extraordinary mates that were so special that they cannot be replaced or forgotten.
I really get annoyed when people start telling me that "Joy" and "happiness" will come back into my life if I allow it. I do not think that is ever going to happen. I don't even know if I want joy again.
So, is there something wrong with me? I wish I knew since some days I feel like my sanity is on the "edge". Grief seems to be sapping my personality into nothingness.
I hope it all ends soon.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on March 8, 2017 at 7:51pm

To All,  Kevin & Maxey          Someone said to  me today, "He's in a better place".  I know she was trying to be kind but I wanted to hit her.  He IS NOT in a better place.  He and I should be together.  You hit the nail on the head by calling what we are living a HORROR.  Funny, a few hours ago I was worrying if I am losing any sanity that I have left.  Maybe I am on the edge.  I guess grief lasts whatever length of time we need for it to subside.  I just can't live with this.  It's horrible.  Am not suicidal just mired in grief that won't let up.   It's just over a year...it was a life time ago and it was just minutes ago that he left me.  When will this end?  What is that crap that God never gives you a bigger burden than you can bear.  CRAP...I don't believe it.

Permalink Reply by Angela renteria on March 9, 2017 at 1:36pm

It is very difficult to be without your soul mate. I have friends but it seems they don't want to hear me talk about him. It makes them uncomfortable and they change the subject either by saying oh you will see him again or they will begin to talk about something else. Some of his family the ones who where closest to him have said that they try not to think about it. So that leaves me with no one to talk to . I want to talk about him , I want everyone to remember him. I can't just move on and honestly I don't want to. He has been the biggest presence in my life for 17 years and I refuse to go on as if he never existed. It's strange to me, my eldest daughter is having a hard time accepting her father's death . She think she hears him and sees him. She is in counciling and her therapist thinks she shouldn't be as upset as she still is. This blows my mind, she is still a child and was close to her father. I can only imagine what a therapist would say to me. I also have friends who think it's weired that I keep my husband's urn in my China cabinet, they think I should bury him or put him away in my closet. That's never going to happen.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on March 10, 2017 at 12:20pm

Angela,   Ditto to everything you wrote.  I can go you one better.  My husband's half sister promised him.....to his face, that she would dispose of his ashes.....he wanted them scattered in the Flathead Lake in MT.  Where he is from.  We used to rent a Lake House there.  We live in Texas.  When John died the sister said "They" (her family who barely knew him) would all take some of John's ashes for themselves.  They would also have a religious service.  John wanted NO service.  One year later John is still with me.  I feel he is not at peace, he is not where he wanted to be.  My son says when I die he will have me cremated, co-mingle our ashes and scatter them HIMSELF in the Flathead.  I cringe when I think of him on that lonely and sad trip with both of his parents remains.  It breaks my heart but I know we will  be together.  I was called A "White Bitch" by those people, (They are Indian, the half sister is half Indian.)  because I said I can no longer trust the half sister to carry out John's wishes, which she clearly said she would not do.  John would have disowned them, he would have cursed them for their animalistic behavior and for hurting the one person he loved above all others.  Makes any problems of mine look small next to this.  My heart is not at rest, for sure, John's soul is not at rest.   Relatives....OMG!

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Jordan on March 18, 2017 at 11:29pm

Cripes, sorry Kevin, it is too hard on all of us.  It has only been 5 months for me and one of "our friends" told a guy that he should hit on me....he had enough sense to listen to how much I talked about my hunny. And one of my other friends (honestly one of the reasons my hunny and I got together) has quit  hanging out with that group of friends.  I see why...she lost her husband  the year my hunny and I got together. I have gotten to the point though, that no one is going to stop me from feeling.  I won't let it happen, and I don't care what anyone says anymore.  We knew the  love that took us so long to find..and no one is going to diminish that.

Permalink Reply by Kevin Bailey on March 19, 2017 at 12:10am

Honestly speaking most of the people that I'm around (Which is family) I feel would prefer me to just go on like nothing happened and be the same person I was before. I told my hard headed brother that I don't like going out to the store because I don't wanna run into someone I know and they're all smiling and crap and asking me stupid questions that don't mean crap to me but he just doesn't get it. I promise on everything if I could leave right now and be with her I would without question but the only way to control when you leave is suicide and that's not an option, I couldn't do that to my kids but fate is totally different. I don't have nobody to talk to about how I really feel, I love my kids and they truly love their Mom but they have their girlfriends and boyfriends. They don't wanna hear me all the time talking about how much I miss my wife. Like I said, it's different when you choose someone. We're in this together and I really hate that we're subject to this pain and agony but at the same time without you beautiful people I would definitely not be here right now because it would be too much to bear without someone to talk to.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on March 19, 2017 at 12:21am

I know people are trying to be kind BUT...the next person to kindly say, "He's in a better place" might just get my foot in their rear end.  Worst thing to possible say.  This says it all.

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Jordan on March 19, 2017 at 12:40am

Absolutely beautiful.....my heart is full with this

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