Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michelle on February 4, 2016 at 6:07pm

Hi Monica,

I know exactly how you feel.  My husband and I always said we would take care of each other and never put either of us in a nursing home.  My husband gave me so many gifts, one is that he did not want to die at home, which he did not do, and the second is that he passed away without me witnessing it. He is still giving me gifts of which I can never repay.  I can remember one day I was speaking to the social worker and was crying and he saw me in the mirror and said "Michelle is upset and that's not ok".  His melanoma has spread to his brain so there were many times when he was not coherent.  I told him that Michelle is upset but that she will be ok someday.  Don't know when that will be.  I am amazed that a few minutes after my first post, I found someone who experienced the same thing that I did.  I thank you for that.

Permalink Reply by Patrice Ball on February 4, 2016 at 6:05pm

Hi Michelle,

My husband was in home hospice care for three weeks. He, too, seemed to be waiting for something, holding on long after his last meal, or drink of water, or coherent speech. I left him alone in the room to do some laundry and found him 15 minutes later, no longer breathing. It was apparently what he wanted; to die while I was out of the room. My counselor has helped me deal with that grief, and I am trying to be 'ok' with it all. This I do know for certain: He wanted me to be happy; to appreciate the gift of life each day that I am lucky enough to be alive. 

Permalink Reply by Colleen McCann on February 4, 2016 at 7:55pm

Hi and welcome Michelle. My husband was at home with hospice for almost a month. His last day, we were having a nurse come and stay overnight so I could get some sleep. His idea. Well, his last day he acted so restless and the meds weren't helping him sleep. He asked several times what time the nurse was coming. I would tell him 11(pm) i was sleeping in a chair next to his bed since he had come home. Once on his last day, i got up to use the bathroom and he asked if i knew he loved me. I looked at him and said yes. And asked him the same. All the while looking at him and seeing his color was different. Grayish. Later when the nurse came, i was sitting on the bed holding his hand and he told me I could go into the other room if i didn't want to see him pass. I told him I wanted to he here. About 15 mins later i left his bedroom to text my sister. Within 3 minutes i heard him the nurse for water. Maybe 3 minutes after that she comes and tells me he is not responding to her. I rushed to his room and sat on the bed and rubbed his hand. The nurse put stethoscope on his chest and he took a breath. I told him how much i love him and kept talking to him while he stopped breathing a few more times. Then he stopped. I cannot remember if he had his eyes open at all. I wish i could. So i believe he waited until the nurse came. He did not want me to be alone when he passed away. He knew he was going to die that night. Well actually, it was about 12:10 am. I relive so much of that day, the months ahead. I try to do what he would want. I miss him so much. I wish you and all of us peace.

Permalink Reply by Patrice Ball on February 4, 2016 at 8:06pm

Wow Colleen what an intense experience. Your husband obviously loved you a great deal and wanted to ease the difficulty you would face at the moment of his passing. Thank you for sharing.

Permalink Reply by Colleen McCann on February 9, 2016 at 2:55pm

Thank you, Patrice.  He was so good to me.  I had a scary time last Friday night.  Was driving home from the drug store and I had another panic attack.   Just started crying and trying to catch my breath.  Luckily, I was only 5 minutes from home.  When I got home I wrote in my journal.  It seems to help somewhat.  I wish you peace.

Permalink Reply by Patrice Ball on February 9, 2016 at 4:31pm

Wow somehow I missed this post until just now. I'm sorry to read of your panic attack, and glad to hear you got through it. Sending you peace and strength.

Permalink Reply by Colleen McCann on February 9, 2016 at 7:56pm

Hi Patrice. It wasn't my first attack. I did see my doctor a few weeks ago. She put me on zoloft and xanax. I don't like being on any more medications than I have to be, so I stopped the xanax. A couple days later the attack came. So I am back on it.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on February 9, 2016 at 7:00pm

Colleen, I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Throughout my husband treatments I found them to be so overwhelming that I sought help from my doctor. He helped me so much that I might encourage you to seek help for them. I let mine go for years until I sought help. 

Don't get me wrong I am only sharing my experience and not saying you need this, just that I did and still do. 

After reading a number of posts it if encouraging for me that others feel exactly the same as I do. The little things that are so hard to do, getting out of bed. Unloading the dishwasher or laundry. Sometimes it is even hard to concentrate. I feel so lost and alone. My husband was my everything and I miss him every second of every day. Even remembering to eat, and attempting to get back on schedule has proved to be taunting. Grief is a horrible animal to go through but it is a process that can last a long time. I wish everyone find their path to a new normal as I have not known normal in a long time. Don't know that I ever will.

Permalink Reply by Colleen McCann on February 9, 2016 at 7:58pm

Hi Michelle. As I shared with Patrice, I am on medication. Also was put on trazodone, due to not sleeping.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on February 4, 2016 at 8:26pm

Hi Colleen,

I had a nice reply to your message but when I hit the reply button it disappeared. 

Thank you for sharing your experience.  I think I found the right group as we are all feeling the same emotions.  It is kind of comforting to know that I have a community of people who understand this process they call grief.  What a process it is.

I can feel your pain.  I miss my husband every single minute of every single day.  May you find peace and comfort, I am still searching for it.

Permalink Reply by Colleen McCann on February 9, 2016 at 2:56pm

Hi Michelle.  I am so glad I found this site.   I am also going to counseling, but it is helpful to come to this site.  A lot of the times I just read the posts.  I hope we all can find some kind of peace someday. 

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on February 5, 2016 at 6:42am

Hi Michelle,

My husband who I lost three years ago was also unresponsive for his last three days. We did say our goodbyes and how much we loved each other when he is was alert. I feel that your husband wanted to spare you watching him die, my mother did the same thing, no sooner I left the room she passed. Even after three years, my heart still aches for him. We were true soulmates and I just go on waiting for my day to join him. God Bless You, Linda

 

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