Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 9, 2016 at 8:07pm

Lisa,

It is much the same for me. My husband died four years ago, when he was 40 years old, of a sudden and unexpected heart attack.  Like you, I have a wonderful support system (in my case, my family -- my Mom, my Dad, my sister and her husband), and while that helps to some extent, and of course it's good to know that they love me, it doesn't really help all that much. None of them can understand what this hell is like. My husband was in a band with my sister and brother-in-law for many years, so they know him well and have a little bit of an idea (they were quite close with him), but it's not the same. 

Like you, I don't care about anything. All I want is to be with my beloved again. It is all I can manage to take a shower or go to work or whatever, and it takes a huge effort. I can only do one such thing per day, most days. I only do it because my financial situation is very bad, so I have no choice but to go to work. If I could, I would just stay home all the time.

I would never tell you that time will heal your pain; in my opinion, it does not. It can make it a little better, for some people, but certainly not for everyone. Not for me.  In any case, it isn't right for anyone to tell you how to experience or deal with your grief -- only you can make that determination for yourself. As for not having thrown out his toothbrush, who says you have to? I still have my husband's toothbrush, in the bathroom cup right next to mine, and I will always keep it there. 

I know that the things I say aren't "hopeful", and I think it's probably good that Carole has also replied to your post, so that you can see that for some people it does get better, at least to some extent.  I just want you to know that this horrible experience/event affects different people differently, and that the way you feel is not wrong or abnormal.

Permalink Reply by Lisa eckhardt on October 9, 2016 at 8:57pm

Carole & Bluebird, thank you both so much. My husband, Mark passed away at 54, he had cancer & fought for 3 years. It was the last 6 -8 months that were the hardest part of his battle. His cancer spread to his brain very quickly & aggressively. I found out on a Friday that it spread to his brain, got him home & got hospice on sunday, 2 days after being told the cancer had spread. I had my love home for 12 days before he passed & I was by his side the whole time. I try to remember that I had time to spend with him because a lot of people don't get the chance to say I love you & it's okay if you have to leave. If it weren't for my parents & my pets, I would give up. I feel like his family has done a complete 180 on me & only communicate with me about estate/money issues. My husband & I aren't wealthy, but we were comfortable. I have a stepdaughter that is 24, and my heart breaks for her because she will miss out on so many father-daughter things. My husband was the 4th loved one I have lost in 2 years & I also had to put down one of our dogs the first week Mark was on hospice. My strength is not as strong as people think it is & my faith has been extremely diminished. I have books that I'm reading to help me deal, I've gone to see psychics in hopes of gaining something, anything that will make things better. I don't sleep well & even though my friends & family tell me they are there at any time I need them, if I called them every time I'm having a hard time, I would never get off the phone. I wouldn't trade one moment of my life with him for anything, I would do it all over again in heartbeat, even if I had known he would be taken from me. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy for holding on to his things. I'm angry at his family & I'm angry at the world. My mind is still a blurry mix of emotions & disbelief, I still don't know how to express a lot of what I feel & it's very nice to know other people get where I'm coming from. Thank you again for listening. Lisa

Permalink Reply by Angela renteria on October 10, 2016 at 1:49am

Hi, Lisa. If it's been three months then you most likely lost your husband around the same time I lost mine. It's very painful and I find my self calling his number even though I know he will never answer. Last weekend my kids were at a sleep over and I only had the baby with me. I decided to go downtown and walk by some of the club's and bars we used to go to. I felt happy and sad and then angry . All those memories and then the thought that we will never do the things again and he is gone. Sometimes I feel like if I were to walk around long enough eventually I would find him but that's just fantasy. It is nice to find other people who understand what it feels like , though I wish none of us had to loose our spouses or loved ones.

Permalink Reply by Ruthie on October 19, 2016 at 2:07pm

Lisa, its ironic I keep going through all Kevins stuff expecting to find a new precious paper, picture or note or even his dark hair on the bathroom floor. I keep looking like if I look hard enough, I can find something and feel better.  But it is been 9 1/2 months--nothing new to find. I am reading the light between us book and it helps me.  Take Care, Ruthie

Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 19, 2016 at 3:06pm

I understand that, as I have done the same thing.  In the month or so after my husband died, there were still new things, but not anymore. He never really kept a lot of "stuff" anyway, so there wasn't much to find. :(

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on October 19, 2016 at 5:15pm

Like you other ladies, I look for "things".  The hair on John's comb.  Pressing the clothes he wore that last day, to my face.  His scent is gone.  Using his electric toothbrush.  Sometimes sleeping in his P. J.'s.  Seeing his beautiful handwriting on something he wrote.  Nothing brings him back. Nothing.

Oleta

Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 14, 2016 at 12:09am

Lisa, 

You are very welcome. It's good that at least you were able to be with your beloved while he was ill and when he died. 

I'm sorry his family is so distant/horrible. Maybe staying close with your stepdaughter would help both you and her, as you could share memories of your husband (if not just yet, perhaps in future)? Having to put the dog down is just adding insult to fucking injury, dammit. I'm sorry.  I do not believe there is a god, particularly not a loving one, and if I'm wrong and there is one I hate the bastard as I believe it betrayed me. Anyway, I understand why your faith has been diminished. If you wish to maintain your faith, perhaps speak with a priest/rabbi/iman/etc. who you trust with your feelings and trust not to spout platitudes

I saw a medium about two years after my husband died (I made the appt. about 6 months after he died, but she is quite busy/popular, and was booked up for that long).  I still don't know if my husband really communicated with me through her, but at the very least I believe that she is legit, in that I think that she believes in what she does, and that she is not trying to scam anyone. Be careful which psychics you see, as you don't want to waste your money, but if you can find good ones then maybe that will help you. If you want to look into the one I saw, her name is Janet Nohavec.

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on October 10, 2016 at 4:21am

Hello Lisa,

My deepest condolences to you and my deepest sympathy to you. I don't know how to console a 46-year-old wife/widow who has just lost her husband, the love of her life. Life is so cruel and senseless! What you are facing is one of the most agonizing of all human experiences. All of us on this site are only too familiar with this loss. You have come to the right forum for support and comfort.

There is so much that you write that sounds familiar. Also in the responses to you there were many thoughts and sentiments that I could totally relate to. The journey of grief is individual, as individual as ourselves and the love and relationship we shared with our spouse. All of us grieve differently; some grieve for a year or so while others will mourn and grieve the loss of their soulmate for as long as they live. I fall in the latter category. However, there is no right or wrong way to grieve; there is no time limit, no prescribed length of time one does or should mourn or grieve. Like I said and others too, grief is deeply individual. We each endure it in our own way. Some heal over time, while others learn to live with the constant pain of loss.

In my case it's been 26 months since my most wonderful husband Joseph passed. He lost his battle to lung cancer at age 49 after being diagnosed nine months before. For me the acute, burning, stabbing pain of the first year has lessened some. I no longer howl or shout like an animal, but every single day I cry and I pray to die, to be reunited with Joseph. I am not interested in anything, I don't want to live; I'm just going through the motions because grief doesn't kill as all of us here found out early on in our painful journey from hell. I am alive because I can't take my own life, not out of choice. So even though the raw pain has softened some, my life is not worth much to me. I have a loving family (siblings, no children or parents) and I am not going to kill myself, but every morning as I open my eyes, my first thought is to be with Joseph. How I wish I were with Joseph! How I wish I were dead!

I sometimes go through a strange feeling. Of course, I know that Joseph is gone as in dead, but even after two plus years, sometimes it seems unreal that he is dead, that he'll never come back again, that I'll never see him again, we'll never hold each other, kiss each other, smile at each other. Sometimes it seems unreal. Very strange. Still in denial at some deep level. 

It's still early days for you. You are still in shock, in raw grief. The pain is unspeakable, unbearable, physical. At this dark hour of your tragedy I send you warm thoughts and prayers for courage and strength. And may you find peace someday.

Hugs, Trina

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on October 11, 2016 at 2:02pm

Lisa,  Most people mean well.  There is no way a person can really understand what we are going through unless they have been widowed themselves.  It's  impossible.

You write because it eases something.  Besides, no one really wants to hear about how you feel, so you write about your feelings,.  Not your children, relatives or friends, they don't want to be made uncomfortable.  Shame on them.  .  My best comfort was and is a cousin who was widowed six years ago.  She called me daily for three months and literally saved my life. She knew/knows exactly how I feel.

Hang in there kid.  Please be brave.

Oleta

Permalink Reply by Lisa eckhardt on October 11, 2016 at 4:53pm

I don't know how to do an all encompassing reply, so I hope all of you see this. I thank you all for your kindness. I know that I'm a young widow,but age doesn't change how much one person hurts compared to another person. Younger. Just means I have that much longer to wait for a reunion. Might sound crazy but sometimes I can sense/feel something that seems like my husband is there even though I can't see him. I have also wished to die, if it weren't for my parents & pets, I probably would. But I can't do that to them. It's true what they say about people showing true colors in a time of tragedy. I finally admitt to my mother that some of the things I haven't done is bc I'm afraid it will erase more of my husband than I've already lost. I also feel guilty for wanting him back, because right now he is at peace & not suffering & it's not fair for me to be so selfish. I happen to be a nurse, so in an educated fashion, I know what I'm experiencing & where I'm failing. However, no amount of knowledge makes a bit of difference when it's your own heart that's hurting & it's no easier to get off my ass and do something about it. I'm very tired. Tired of not sleeping, of crying, being sad, putting on that fake smile, of bad dreams when I do sleep. Tired of not having the energy to finish things I start. Tired of being afraid to make any kind of move, finding this new normal. At this risk of being mean, I am so glad that there are people who do understand this hell that I'm experiencing & I'm sorry I am not a pillar of support right now for all of you that have suffered loss, I hope that eventually I can be more of a supporter than in need of support. It takes a lot for me to even type these feelings, at least here, I am not judged for my thoughts, feelings & selfishness. Thank you, maybe tomorrow will be a more positive day. Lisa

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on October 11, 2016 at 5:46pm

Lisa,  We have all thought the things you are thinking.  Grief sessions let me know  all of my crazy thoughts were not exclusive.  Most of my new friends have felt the same things.  I sat in John's chair and prayed for death more than once, so that I can be with him.  His death  happened two days after Christmas.  There is not ONE DAY that I do not cry for him.  the difference is that I don't cry all day long now.  Really, friends and family DO NOT want to hear about how you feel.  It makes them so uncomfortable.  I don't care how they feel, I am hurting, you are hurting but we ACT better for them.  Many people tell me that I sound better.  It's an act.  It's what they want.  I act like they want me to be. 

John's spirit is here in our home.  I can feel him.  I feel him protecting me.  It comforts me. 

He was my pillar.  You don't have to be a pillar. 

I drive with one of John's unwashed shirts on the passenger seat. Makes me feel much better.  I pray for you.  One day, like me, you will realize that at least you have not cried the whole day, just part of it.   Keep writing and expressing yourself.  We are all here for each other.

Oleta

Permalink Reply by Lisa eckhardt on October 12, 2016 at 2:32am

So Dale isn't sleeping either? How many of us left to carry on REALLY sleep? My husband died on 6-3-16, he would have been 55 on 6-17 & our anniversary was on 6-14, which is the same day my parents were married & the same date that Mark proposed to me. When he proposed I was so happy & excited that I forgot to say yes until after I called both my parents & Mark said "I take that as a yes". We had an enchanted life together, true love, happy family, we weren't wealthy, but comfy & never lacked anything. Mark was an awesome man, husband, father, son,pet parent & provider. He was the rock of my family. There were at least 100 people at his service, he was a genuine person with a smile that could warm you up on the coldest, wettest days you could imagine. His soul was the kindest soul I have ever met. It was no accident that we met & fell in love, it was fate or destiny, I could write a book explaining that to you! I can't even work right now, I was on leave until the beginning of July,went back to work for 6 weeks & couldn't handle it, so I left. I go out socially & I do manage to laugh from time to time, then I cry again. Sometimes I do risky things, thinking the adrenaline rush will help. I think my husband smiles and laughs at my antics. As for people saying "you're young, have so much of your life ahead of you, you'll find someone else". My answer is no I won't. I'm not saying that I'll never find a simplistic friendship to enjoy a day at the zoo with, but there is not enough of me left to want someone else. I feel it deep down inside myself that there is no one else. I fantasize about having strong, loving, protecting arms around me, but the man in my fantasies is still my husband. I search for an answer to the "why" question & have no answers. Like a lot of you out there, I don't like or want this new normal & I go through whatever motions of daily life I can. All my dreams, plans & future have been destroyed because my husband is no longer here. My husband was home for 12 days before he passed and I'm the one who had to call hospice to send a nurse to pronounce him dead. When I couldn't find his heartbeat or pulse, I asked my mom to use my stethoscope & listen for marks heart because I just couldn't believe it happened. While my husband was home, I didn't have time to worry about myself or process what I was going through,almost everyday the hospice team had to tell me that I hadn't eaten or slept. I took care of his family, our friends, our pets, my house and most of my husbands care, hospice was assisting me with his care, not the other way around &I that's how I wanted it. It was more comforting to my husband to have me in charge instead of being in the background & I wouldn't have it any other way. Even when he was in the hospital, his nurses had to tell me to let them do there job! I was completely hands on in my husbands care. He fought so long that I have to push those memories to the back of my brain so that I can remember the happy, healthy man & I do this every single day & I cry & I love & I smile at our good memories.

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