Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Fran on July 13, 2018 at 1:54pm

You are not a failure! You are a survivor. It's hard to continue a life that was balanced and enriched by a truly loved spouse.  Just do what helps YOU go on.

Permalink Reply by Monty on July 15, 2018 at 5:32pm

Hi

Im sorry for your loss no matter how long ago it is.

i can only imagine the pain and emotions you are still going though.

for me it was taking care of the kids and finding one thing to achieve (no matter how small) helped a lot. it was as small as make nutritious dinner today.

I would not say your failing, as mentioned before your surviving, and its not easy.

i wish the best or you .

regards monty

Permalink Reply by Christopher on July 22, 2018 at 2:08pm

You had half your soul ripped out... basically. Of course you're going to struggle.

Most folks just don't get that because they are still fine. They have not been so deeply wounded and have nothing to compare your struggle to.

When I started my journey after being suddenly widowered (what a weird word), I failed at everything and my 5 year old son wouldn't eat. I couldn't open mail for months at a time (not wouldn't... big difference). Parts of me that I took for granted simply didn't work. There were days at the beginning I just sat there as waves of anguish washed over me for 14 hours straight as I stared at the wall, unable to believe that she was suddenly gone. There were nights that I couldn't sleep (she wasn't there snuggling me), then would suddenly begin violently crying until I was so exhausted I couldn't even get up to wash my face and pee (I would then pass out and have an aching bladder and yucky face in the morning). I failed at making a bean and cheese quesadilla. I failed at not burning turkey-cheese sandwiches in the toaster oven. My son would only eat those two things, so I would eat the burned/failed one, often forgetting I was hungry (failed to feed myself). I failed to reach out for help. I failed to wake up in the morning to walk my kid to school (he was too close for bus service until they made a special exception because the police found him walking to school at 4:30am in 30-degree weather).

Failure comes naturally to most folks anyway. It's even more noticeable when there's only half of us left before we start. The hard part is learning to accept that failure is inevitable and you just need to be creative enough to think your way through it.

As for the debt stuff, go find Jack McCaig's stuff at LibertyAid. He has a Youtube channel as well.

Permalink Reply by morgan on July 22, 2018 at 8:32pm

Christopher, You have had alot of good to post and i applaud your willingness to keep your focus forward. But for some of us that practical, pragmatic, positive "purpose" does not exist. And age plus length of time with our spouses can sometimes affect how strong we can be.
I always had a "can do" attitude. It made for success in many ways in my priror life with my husband. But his death brought me to my own grave and I totter on the edge constantly. And its not for lack of trying as the few people who have stayed close to me will attest to.

It is not that I wont let go of the past, it is that I cannot. Thats right. I cannot. And this from the woman who could do anything and did. I have to accept my limitations and my strengths. Prior to my husbands death I had very few limitations. The world was our oyster and NOTHING was easy to come by But we had each other. There wasnt anything that together we didnt conquer. But now, I have no desire to move into a future. I get nauseous thinking about it.

I don't have the energy now to do much more than basic living (and that I do better than most who don't suffer from grief) but mainly i don't have any reason, motivation or desire to engage in the extraneous passion it takes to live life fully.

I slept with this man for 35 years. Every night. We did little outside of our own two person world. We didnt need it. We found what we wanted in each other. I've done a lot of good in this world. In my work and the few good friends I have had who weren't superficial I had everything I might have wanted out of life. Travel, possessions. family and friends, good works, intellectual engagement, etc have been mine. But what made it all worthwhile was the sharing I had with the one person who truly got me. No matter how close or how much sharing I have done with others I no longer need to be passionate about life. That passion was a sacred trust that has no equal. And I don't need to find one. I am tired and exhausted from simply keeping pace with the basics of living. I wish for anyone else the best they can find. But I also realize I am not ashamed of being sad most of the time. It is normal.
morgan

Permalink Reply by Christopher on July 22, 2018 at 8:48pm

I know all about the "I just can't."

It's not because you don't want to... you try and it's just not there, like turning on a light switch and the bulb doesn't work. You did all you could and knew how to, but it didn't work.

I had my wife the same way for 6.5 years and I would have been fine with just her on an island for the rest of our natural days. She went out suddenly. We were virgins and she showed me kindness one evening as a dear and close friend... then it suddenly escalated and we were happy about it.

I have not had the blessed experiences you have. I was a child of satanic ritual abuse, forced witchcraft, forced management of the other kids while the adults chattered about things and slept with strange men (all divorced women with kids, associated with witches)... I have always known poverty and want. I have always known neglect outside of my marriage and that is why my late wife and I connected so well. She was likewise neglected, though nowhere near as abused. We were there for each other and I need someone to be there for so badly that some days I wish I had access to nukes to just end the world. All of it. I want to make everyone's hurting stop, because I cope with my own ache by helping others and some days I can't do that. I never think about instant, painless global genocide for very long. I tend to try and troubleshoot.

Yes, this loneliness is the new normal. It should not be, but it is because folks hate the Bible so much. They like the parts that benefit them and throw out the parts where they help to heal the broken and wounded. They want pay with no work. So we are neglected and abused. It is the new normal. It should not be.

Permalink Reply by morgan on July 23, 2018 at 9:24am

You know whats so powerful about sites like this.   It doesnt gloss over the dysfunction. The utter inhumanity.  Yet at the same time it is the most holistic approach to how we could live.  Each of us helping another. 

I cannot imagine having to live with such neglect,....such abuse and yet I know we are surrounded by it.  There have been a few here who have opened themselves up.  It makes our own problems seem so insignificant and yet none are insignificant. We struggle. Sometimes we see a victory.  I always count every little something I "can do" as a major success.  Always have.   Its just everything has gotten exponentially harder.  

I woke this morning to having to solve some issues.  Small ones at that.  And yet there I go scurrying to my cry hole.  Too much without that person who was there to buffer the winds of acknowledging life.  

I know if we were to really know each others life story(I mean really know it) we could find value in it even more than we do as e share,  but our worlds are small and focused.  I have always been very open to life.  Now I pretend to be because I don't have enough space to deal with the emotion of it.  The emotion of what the universe dishes out was balanced before by the love I had.  Now I need to rein in and only do what is absolutely necessary.  I isolate, I self select, I exclude and yet I am balls to the walls on keeping myself distracted.  If I didnt I would never have made it this far.  

I am determined to try and tie up the responsibilities I feel I have and then I will decide what I am going to do. Until then I plod along, I slog through the memories which trigger my daily meltdowns and wish for my own end.  You and others have edifferent responsibilities, i.e. another human being. A child.  A person who requires assistance.  I have a friend who I have taken in who also requires assistance.  I am doing what I can to help get this person to a place where his own mind will be strong enough to handle the daily assaults but also to find a place of beauty like I had.  In the interim I reach out for my husband to come rescue me.  I know the answer which is why my hole is preferable but I get up another day and suffer through it. 

Amazing isn't it?  Where the hell did they bury the manual for life?

Permalink Reply by Christopher on July 23, 2018 at 9:36am

Where/how did they bury the manual for life? It has a symbol:

$$$$$$

Permalink Reply by Alison J on August 27, 2018 at 6:54am

Dear Pamela, your beautiful wedding picture made me smile, thank you for that!

Permalink Reply by Corinne C. Rico on October 4, 2018 at 12:30pm

Your message broke my heart, I am so sorry for your loss.  My pain is still very new fresh and raw.  I feel like scratching my eyes out because I can't stop crying.  Pamela, there is no other side of grief.  I read something the other day that made so much sense.  I am also sick of people ALREADY telling me be strong and carry on, you will get PAST this.  The passage I read basically said, there is no getting past the death of your loved one, there is only absorption, adjustment and acceptance,   Grief is not something that is ever completed, it is not a tast to be completed and move on. But an element we must bear, a new element and dimension of ourselves.  I pray you find a solution to your financial situation.  The love of my life was terrible with money and left our daughter and I in the crapper (for a lack of a better word).  I am now applying for his uncollected work pension (he was not even close to retirement age) which of course is nothing short of a nightmare.  I feel for your struggle.  An income idea if your not able to leave the house much could be online Ebay sales.  While still in Canada I made a decent amount of money selling things online.  And you are not failing, your grieving, there is no hard and fast time frame for that.  God Bless.