Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michael on January 17, 2017 at 6:10pm

Thank you Kathleen. This is just so very awful. Its hell. The definition of hell. Ive been cleaning out my place in anticipation of moving and after throwing out 12 bags of papers, three boxes of books (to book drop) ive maybe made a 20 percent dent in one room. Really at this point all i need is a bed,a radio and my laptop. I dont really see a future.

Permalink Reply by Michael on January 18, 2017 at 8:44am

So im trying to clear out my place in anticipation of moving. There is 20 years of stuff, hundreds and hundreds of books, paper etc. i need to get rid of at least75 percent of it. Ive worked all day for several days, plus had done a little over a few weejs, and orobably have gotten rid of 5 percent of the stuff. It is exhausting. I have to tske the books to a book drop. It takes time and energy, which i dont have. Every time i pick through stuff i find a photo or memento and it sets me back. I have to lie down. This is going to take a year. Any suggestions from those who have moved, alone, in this mental stste? Im going crazy.

Permalink Reply by Angela on January 18, 2017 at 9:18am

Maybe move only what you need/want in your new place then leave the rest.  Open the house to family, friends, salvation army, etc to go through. 

Permalink Reply by John T. on January 18, 2017 at 9:42am

Angela, that's exactly what I did.  I packed up what I needed and was surprised at how little that was.  It was a relief to walk away from it.  What I would have gotten from some sort of yard sale or ebay would have not been worth the pain.  I have yet to actually miss anything I left behind.  I ended up moving the things that mattered most to Diane.  Of course, not everyone can do what I did and they probably wouldn't want to.  Michael's comment about losing his mind is how I felt at the time and by just letting go I survived the experience.  Today, it seems as if none of it could really have happened.  I try not to think about those days of overwhelming pain and emptiness but there are times when I don't have a choice in the matter.

Permalink Reply by Angela on January 18, 2017 at 9:54am

There is such a stigma attached to family living. Other cultures embrace it and think nothing of staying close in the same home.  If a person can have their bit of space and if their relationships with family is not toxic, it sounds like a perfect solution.  I have been looking at websites for people wanting to rent a room with their own bathroom in other's homes.  I like being in a house, being with another person and having my dogs (I look for pet friendly).  My oldest son and I moved an antique grandfather clock (my father found in an alley decades ago and restored) that is my son's now but it went to his father's house. It is not good for it to be moved so much.  I plan on minimizing as much as I can so rooming can be an option without renting a storage facility (unless I have to for short term).  I did not say in my original thread how I am in the apartment supplied by Ken's boss in a small family owned business/building.  Ken worked downstairs.  It was part of his salary but I don't think the owner/boss is looking to replace Ken's job.  He is very kind and is letting me stay but for how long is not known.  I know I don't want to be here a year from now. I had a nice home before I married Ken and sold it in 2015 so we could save money for some land and later retire with a home.   Now life is up in the air and I don't know where I am going to land. 

Permalink Reply by Maxey on January 18, 2017 at 1:56pm

Hi, Micheal,
I moved last year, and, fortunately, my daughter was there to help. I kept all of our albums, letters, and things that had a special meaning to me.
I called my local Elks Club, and they came and picked up a lot of items. They also told me of other places that came and took a ton of books, furniture,and knick knacks.
It is sad and overwhelming to go through "your life" when you move, but, for me, I am glad I did it. I now live in a smaller house, and I am surrounded by the items I really cherish - especially pictures. I saved all of my husband's letters to me when we were dating, and I read them many times.
I know you have heard this many times, but it rings true to me: The memories you have of your wife will never leave; they are within you. I know I will NEVER, EVER forget one lovely moment I shared with my beloved. Take heart in knowing that your wife is there with you, just recall one memory and you "feel" the love you had.
You seem to have had a wonderful life together, thank goodness you had each other so those memories will be part of you. Can you imagine NOT having them? Sometimes, I ask myself, "would I rather not have the memories?" The answer is always, "no". I thank God for giving me the gift of my husband. I just wish I could have kept him a little longer or we could have gone together. I think many of us wish that!
Best to you, Maxey

Permalink Reply by Maxey on January 18, 2017 at 1:38pm

Hi, Angela, I moved after my husband died 15 months ago since I could handle going into each room and "seeing" my old life gone. My husband had his office in the house, and I would join him in the afternoon to chat. We used to walk on the nearby trail everyday at 2 p.m. - all the old habits retired people start to acquire. Life,as the song goes, was "oh so mellow". Days in the sun, that's what they were!
I now think I made the correct decision because I have not been able to adjust very well to this loss, and if I had to constantly see all the places we used to go together in our town, I would be in even worse shape that I am in now.
I bought a much smaller house in a "over 55" community which has an activity center. I do not go to many things, but, at least, it is available when I get "house bound". The neighbors have been very kind, and there are others who have experienced the same loss. They, at least, have some empathy and know, to an extent, how I feel. Sometimes I go to an outing since I know I will go totally insane if I just sit and agonize and cry at home. Believe me, I still do that daily. I wake up and cry, and go to bed at night and cry. But, I think we all need a few hours of respite since the practice of grief gets very exhausting and destroys the spirit.
Probably, the best thing to do is make a list of pros and cons to see what is important to you and what will benefit you in your healing.
I must warn you, though, no matter where you live, you are in for a time that will not be easy. This road is bumpy; one day you think you might be healing, and the next day you will feel that you cannot make the journey. I am having one of those days today, so I need to think of something to distract myself from the pain. Go for a walk or go and walk the aisles of Costco - anything to forget how unhappy my life is now that my husband is gone.
Whatever decision you make, try to make sure you can access people from time to time; I find that when I do not leave the house for days or talk to anyone, I feel myself spiraling downward.
Peace to you, Maxey

Permalink Reply by Angela on January 18, 2017 at 10:33pm

thanks Maxey.  You made some very good points for me to consider.  

I understand the method of distraction, and I recently got a costco membership.  Luckily I don't live close to one or I would be in there daily.  I work full time and i thought going back to work kept me from crying and feeling the grief...until it didn't.  

Permalink Reply by Lisa Carlson on January 24, 2017 at 10:43pm

I have thought of selling our house too but the decision to stay was made by finances, I am going to keep this house but remodel a bit to make it different but still have comforts of his presence still in the home..I think this makes sense to me. I have kept some his clothes that I can wear and feel him close but the rest of his clothing will be heading to a homeless shelter. Keeping them makes my heart hurt..

Permalink Reply by ShingingLight1967 on January 28, 2017 at 1:35pm

Hi Angela

I have been pondering this for the past 13 months since the passing of my husband.  My husband bought this house before we met.  He was going to sell it after he and his exwife split but decided to keep it.  Good thing, because when we met, I brought my kids into the relationship and there was enough room for us all to make a home.  I redecorated the house, and we were in the process of a new remodel when he passed. 

The only thing I could think of was doing the bare minimum to the house to get it in sellable condition, so i could make the most out of the sale.

We never got around to placing me on the title of the house, so I have been in probate for the last year.  That has kind of halted me from making any decisions on moving.. so, I guess that's a good thing.

I hate being here without him.  He brought me up to this area, this was his home.  While we made it our home, if it wasnt for him, I would have never been here.  Driving around this town is just rough.  Everywhere I turn, it's him.  Just too many memories. 

I grapple everyday with the urge to just want to leave this place behind to the logical practical aspects of a move.  We have a very large house that costs very little money.  I wont be able to find anything like this where I want to go.  Which might not be so bad, since this house is so big, but my kids love it here. 

The thought of undertaking another change is just too much for me right now.  And while it is hard being in this house without him, I think it also gives me some comfort being here.  Like, I know of all places, he is here with me. (If that makes any sense)

I am in the process of streamling and cleaning stuff out.  Getting rid of everything that is non-essential so that if I do make the decision to move, it will be easy to pull the trigger and go.

Permalink Reply by Angela on January 30, 2017 at 10:53pm

I have been slowly selling, donating or giving things away with the same thought of being able to move more easily.  

The kids loving where they live, that makes it so much more difficult.  We want our kids to be happy.  But you have to consider yourself and your needs too.  What a tough spot.  Kids can be resilient also when necessary.

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