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Comment by Gyla Lynn Darden on January 17, 2011 at 1:35pm

Tracy,

  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I had a miscarriage after I had Brittainy, and it was very tragic to me.  I had just had Brittainy 3 months earlier, so I didn't really grieve as much as you have, I a sure.  I lost Brittainy in July of 2010.  She was a joy to be around and everyone loved her because she was so very sweet.  She loved children especially babies, so I am sure that she is taking care of both of your babies that you lost.  I wish there words that I could say to make you feel better, but there are none.  All I can say is that I pray that God grants you peace in your heart.  I will keep you in my prayers.  Gyla

Comment by Tracy on January 4, 2011 at 8:16am

I lost my daughter 3 weeks ago.  She was only 4 days old.  I had her prematurely and she had a liver condition that we are still waiting to hear from the autopsy results about the specifics.  I also suffered a late miscarriage at 19 weeks last year during the same week I lost my daughter this year.  He was our first.  We now have no children, but 2 angels. I'm struggling trying to cope because I feel like I'm coping with the loss of both my children since I feel I never really coped with the loss of my first since we got pregnant 6 months later...

to be honest, I'm just so sad.

Comment by Gyla Lynn Darden on January 1, 2011 at 6:37pm

They say memories are golden

well maye that is true.

I never wanted memories,

I only wanted you.

 

A million times I needed you,

a million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you

you never would have died.

 

In life I love you dearly,

in death I love you still.

In my heart I hold a place

no one could ever fill.

 

If tears could build a stairway

and heartache make a lane,

I'd walk the path to heaven

and bring you back again.

 

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing seems the same.

But as God calls us one by one,

the chain will link again.

                                              -Author Unknown

Comment by Gyla Lynn Darden on December 18, 2010 at 1:42am

Melissa,

I am glad that you put up your tree.  The best thing we can all do is continue on and keep our child alive in our memories.  Remember they are alive as long as they are not forgotten, when they are forgotten that's when they are truly dead.

Peace be with you, and many prayers for you, Your friend in Christ.

Comment by Gyla Lynn Darden on December 18, 2010 at 1:40am

Ann,

No u r not being selfish. I feel like if I were just left alone, especially when I am having my moments it would be so much better.  Everyone wants to console me, I know it's all with good intentions, but sometimes I just need let it all out, and it just be me and my feelings.  My oldest daughter's birthday was today.  She just turned 20, and it really brought out a lot of bad feelings, because Brittainy's birthday would have been on Tuesday of next week, she would have been 19.  I am still trying to deal with the unrealistic feeling of it all. It is still so hard to believe that she is gone.  Ann, I think that no matter where you are if the feeling hits you just cry as hard as you can, whether people stare at you or not.  I really feel like this will help.  The crying does make me feel better whether I want to admit it or not.

I finally got all the decorations out and decorated the house.  I felt that Brittainy was there with us.  It was Hava (my oldest daughter) and Brittainy's best friend and I.  It was really special, even though it was hard.

Just remember that the Lord will carry you when you need him to, and will let you take your own steps when he feels you are ready.  Just keep trying to move forward, and don't deny yourself anything that you feel you need to do at the moment.

I will continue to hold you in my prayers.  Your friend in Christ

Comment by Ammy on December 14, 2010 at 2:27pm

No Christmas decorations for me either.  It just doesn't seem right for me, but I don't have any other kids living here.  I guess it wouldn't be right to deprive them if they were still at home and wanted it.  My daughter said something to me the other day about the family get together.  I had hoped they would not want to do it this year.  I had a hard time getting through Thanksgiving, and I have not been out to a store for anything this past month.  I just can't do it.  The last time I tried I broke down crying in the store and had to wait until I could compose myself so I could just get out of there.  What to do, what to do?  Why can't I just be left alone?  I think that is what I really would like.

Any suggestions on it?  Am I being selfish?

Comment by melissa whaley on December 9, 2010 at 5:55pm

i have not put up a tree since my daughters death.  Just nott feeling it

Comment by Ammy on December 8, 2010 at 2:07pm

Gyla, I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time, but I guess I'm sorry for myself and all the others too. It still surprises me how the sadness hits so hard and it seems like it comes so unexpectedly. I know my thoughts are always going back to my son throughout the day and I try to divert them to something else, but sometimes the tears just start and I might not even be thinking of him. It is just overwhelming and I keep waiting for it to get easier. Thanksgiving went okay. I think I went into the "numb" mode and just did things automatically. I don't think I will be able to cope with Christmas though. Not even going to try or plan. Whatever happens, happens. I was thinking that maybe you could have a friend or someone go and get out the decorations for you. I can't believe you have not been in her room. That must be so hard. I have been in my son's room a lot. I find comfort there. I have not been able to strip his bed though. That seems so final. It was hard the first few times, but then I just started feeling him there and I will lay on his bed and talk to him or go through his drawers & closet. Sounds like a crazy person now that I'm writing it, but it does make me feel close to him. I"m glad you are getting something from the book Job. I have read it several times throughout the years. The biggest lesson I get from it is that Satan will do almost anything to pull us away, but if we can hang on I believe that God will bless us and give us what we need. He is not the doer of bad things, but He does allow them. Someday we'll know and understand everything. For now we just have to have FAITH. Peace, blessings, and comfort is my prayer for everyone this month.
God bless, Ann

Comment by Gyla Lynn Darden on December 7, 2010 at 11:13pm

I know it's been a while since I've been on here. I have really been struggling with the holidays coming up. Everyday I think about my dear Brittainy as I know you all do about your child that you lost. She loved Christmas and loved to decorate for Christmas. I wasn't going to do any decorating for Christmas, but I know that she would be disappointed in me for not doing it. SO today I got a tree and got some of the decorations out. The bad thing is most of the decorations are in Brittainy's closet and I haven't been in her room since she died. I am really not ready to go in there yet and I am not sure how to handle this. I don't want to send my daughter in there to get them because she doesn't want to go in there either. This is a terrible feeling, and I hate it. Everyday I seem to cry at one time or another and have since July. I hope that you are all doing well, and I apologize for not being on here like I should, but sometimes it is hard for me to talk about any of this. Ann I hope that your Thanksgiving went OK and you made it through. I thank you for telling me that you were reading Job. I have been reading it since you told me about it. There is a lot in there that I think a lot about especially when Elihu talked to Job. The words that he said made so much sense to me. Especially when he said that we don't listen to God when he is talking to us. We see him in dreams and visions and we don't listen. It started me thinking about while Britt was in the hospital, he kept showing me that she was going to take her, and I thought it was Satan not God. He showed me in her casket, I kept seeing it in my mind her laying there, and he was trying to prepare me for it, and I didn't listen. I have been having dreams lately too that didn't make any sense to me until after I read that. Thanks again, and I hope that everyone is making it through this holiday season. I will pray for you all. May God Bless you and keep you strong and give you some peace. Gyla

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