Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by melissa whaley on November 6, 2010 at 8:32pm

This is awesome Gyla. it is great to meet others who lean on Jesus for strength. I know i talk to him all through the day everyday. he is my friend and without him there would be no hope for me. I know everything is part of a much bigger plan way to complex for our minds to wrap around. What i would give though just to glimps into heaven and see that she is ok and happy. i know she is but as a mom you just want to see with your own eyes then i could deal much easier. I guess that is what faith is all about. Believing in that which you can not see.

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 7, 2010 at 3:09pm

Melissa,
I noticed that the other group that we were in didn't want us to refer to religion, so that is why I started this group. Without God I would have never made it this far, for many reasons, not just my daughter's death. While Brittainy was dieing I prayed healing prayers over her, with the thought in mind that my belief in God was so strong that He would heal her. When she died I didn't understand why he chose not to heal her. In reality He did heal her, just not in the way that I was praying for. When I got her autopsy report back I understood more why he didn't. She would have had sever brain damage and probably would have had to have total care, not only that she would have had severe lung damage as well, so she would have suffered worse living, than I am suffering over her death. That just would not have been fair to her, or humane. For me to have hard feelings towards God would be so very selfish, because I would only be thinking of myself, and not what she would have to go through on a daily basis.
I also share the same feelings about knowing if she is OK. I wish that I could see her once again and hear her voice. For that last 28 days of her life she was on some kind of life support and in an induced coma, so I never got to here her beautiful voice. That is one of the most painful things to me.
Faith is a hard thing to do some times, especially in times like this. If it is hard for you to have faith in the times when you need God, then how is it going to be when you don't need Him. I feel that God is such an important part of the healing process, as well as your friends and family. They all support you in a different way. Thanks for joining and sharing in this group. Many Blessings and praying for peace upon your entire family. Gyla

P.S. If you have any other friends that you talk to on this site and are friends with send them an invite to this group.

Permalink Reply by Geanette Ceballos on November 8, 2010 at 8:46am

I dont know where to start other than that my beautiful-hansome fun loving Luke was hit and killed by a drunk driver.. even tho, i know i can thank God because we know without a doubt that Luke received Christ as his savior when he was a boy and he loved God. Luke truly lived life & loved others unconditionally... still this is the most painful thing i have ever felt... cannot even describe how it hurts in your heart and stomach as if your spirit is leaving you when you cry so hard...

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 9, 2010 at 7:05pm

Geanette,
There are never words that one can say to help ease your pain, all I can say is that I understand what you are feeling. It is like someone is ripping your insides out, like you want to run, but just stay still, like you want to scream as loud as you can, like you want to cry until the tears won't flow anymore.
All I can say is let those emotions out anytime that you feel it necessary, because holding it in makes it worse. Pray whenever you can, it does help inside and read your Bible daily. Also get involved in church as much as possible. I find this helps me to find peace and to relax. Be around friends and family that offer support as much as possible. And most of all be patient with yourself, you are going to go through things that are very painful, but you can make it through.
How long ago did you lose your son? Eventually the pain will subside and get a little easier, it may take a while, but it will happen.
I will pray for you to have peace in your heart, and for God to ease your pain. Your friend in Christ, Gyla

Permalink Reply by Geanette Ceballos on November 23, 2010 at 9:00pm

thank you Gyla... i just have not been able to focus on anything including getting on the computer... luke was hit 9/24 around midnight... so the hospital record shows 9/25. he lived in a coma 15 days died 10.10.10... which i believe he chose because of the the date and dates that matched meant something to him. if you google luke ceballos you will see alot of skate stuff.. from his friends. and our family pics on the dignitymemorial.com... then search obits for ceballos... he was fun, he loved life and mentored others telling us to go for our dream... why a stupid horrid woman would kill him is what causes me the most pain, and i know God does not want me to to dwell on that also that "vengeance belongs to the Lord." so i have to trust in our just God and know that even if justice is not done here on earth, our Lord will see it done in His time. until then i cannot bear to live, and just ache! crying inhuman cries with grief for my family and my Luke! i have begun seeing a counselor, on meds that just make me sleepy and just wander..... like Ann, i too, believed myself faithful and feel betrayed... why didnt God protect him that night?? i prayed always for all the kids... and trusted God... i gave Luke up to God...... we thought he would recover but the brain injuries were too great... now i am struggling with acceptance... i am not a very good witness right now. i cannot seem to "stand firm in the faith I profess." (Heb 4:14-16) i feel selfish and angry and cannot seem to get thru this... thanks for listening. God bless you & Ann, too

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 24, 2010 at 12:19am

Geanette,
I understand your pain and anger towards God. I went through that with Brittainy. The only thing I can say to you is, if he would have lived, the brain damage he suffered would have made his life one that has no quality. The only thing it would have done is make you feel better because he was still here. Brittainy would have had severe brain damage, due to the lack or oxygen. I prayed for God to heal her, and was so angry because she died. The thing that I didn't realize was that God did heal her, just not in the way I wanted. He healed her in the way that was appropriate for her not to suffer. It would have been selfish of me to want to keep her here, and not have the quality of life that I was used to and she was used to.

I know that it is so hard to accept that he is gone, but if he would have lived it would have been hell for him, and for you after a while. You would have felt so bad having to watch him go from a healthy, active young man to a vegetable. I know that God did what was right for him, even though we feel it was terribly wrong.

Just keep your faith in the Lord, He never does anything to hurt us. It was a human that put him in the position where God had to make the decision to keep him here on earth or take him home where he could skateboard all the time, and not suffer or feel pain again. That is a Blessing in itself.

I know that right now it is hard to feel joy for your son. We are the ones left behind to suffer in our hearts and in our spirits, but remember that someday we will be with him and be so overjoyed that it will be amazing.

God Bless you, and just read your Bible, eventually you will find comfort in the Word and everything will come to light and you will understand in a way that no one else can.

I pray for you and your family to find peace. I know that it is going to be hard to go through the holidays without him, but someday it will be easier. I can't tell you how long it will take for you to not feel the pain that you are feeling now, it could be years, but it will happen.

I pray that you and your family have a nice and safe Thanksgiving. I know that it is hard, but I feel that if you forgive the woman that hit your son, I feel that you will find peace. I know that it is hard, but it will help.

Praying for you and your family, and many Blessings to you, Gyla

Permalink Reply by Ammy on November 10, 2010 at 6:51am

Thanks for sharing about how you had difficulties with your faith because that is what happened to me and it actually scared me to think that way. Talking to God, praying, and reading the word as soon as I wake up has been my routine for years. When my son died, July 14th, 2010, I actually felt betrayed. I prayed for him everyday and even more than for my daughters because he had mental health issues. How could God have let this happen? I was at a point where I found it hard to pray. What good is it if He isn't going to listen? PTL, I am now getting back on track and I know God forgives me for feeling that way. Evil will always try to get to us and pull us away, especially when we are weak. On the human side I am still falling apart. Inside I am angry with almost everyone, including myself and my son, and especially his doctors. I need to find a way to let this go. I would appreciate your prayers and I will also include this new group in mine. It really scares me to hear from those that are still grieving after many years. How can I live this way if it doesn't get better? I have already thought about that and don't think I could do it. I probably need professional help, but right now our finances are tight. So, this place is where I decided to start. Blessings & peace to each of you. Ann

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 10, 2010 at 11:48am

Ann,
I think that everyone that has faith and has lost someone has felt betrayed by their loss. The one thing I always look at is the entire situation. If it involves human decisions in some way then God really had nothing to do with it. Yes, He can heal, but sometimes the correct healing for the person involved is not the healing we always hope and pray for. I don't know the entire story about your son. I guess I should read your story. Mental health issues are very hard to deal with, I know from experience. I was diagnosed last year with Bipolar Disorder. Brittainy was also diagnosed with it a month before I was. I have been miserable for as long as I can remember, and never understood what the problem was. I have gone through drug addiction, self mutilation, alcohol abuse, physical abuse (that I allowed to happen, I could have left my ex husband at any time, but didn't). I guess what I am trying to say, this was a Blessing to your son. I know that it is hard to accept and hard to hear, but it is miserable to be mentally ill. I have come from a long line of mental illness in my family. My uncle also had a mental illness. 2 years ago he committed suicide after years of battling alcoholism, and mental problems.
I don't know if I am making sense today, because I am really struggling today with my emotions. I hope that I have given you a little peace, knowing that maybe this was a release for him. If he was miserable, being at rest there is nothing but peace and Glory for him. We could only pray for that kind of peace for ourselves.
I am glad that you are getting back into your routine of reading your Bible, remember only God can heal us inside and out, but only if we allow Him to.
I will pray for you, Ann. Keep your head up. Maybe doing something in honor of your son would give you some peace. You could volunteer for a suicide hotline, or for runaway teens that are troubled. Knowing that you have helped someone always make you feel better.
I know that finances are really tough especially the way the economy is right now. I know that most places have a mental health center that charges based on your income. Try googling mental health services for low income, and see if you can find something, or ask around. Call your mental health clinic and see if they offer it, if they don't, ask if they know somewhere that does. Also seek counseling from your clergy, they are very good counselors.
I hope that this helps you.
Like I said before, I will continue to pray for you. Your friend in Christ, Gyla

Permalink Reply by Ammy on November 19, 2010 at 7:43am

Good Morning Gyla,
Sorry that I didn't respond to your message earlier. I have come here a couple of times with the intention of doing that, but I have either not been able to or I have just gotten distracted with other things on the site. Distraction for me is good. As for my "story", I didn't really write the details, but, yes, we did find out in February that my son was Bipolar and also Schizophrenic. I don't know how he managed for all those years without professional help. Now I can understand when he would go and get drunk. I believe he was self medicating to get a break from whatever was going on in his mind. He didn't do it often, but you did not want to be around him when he did. I know he has also done some "street" drugs at times. Feb. 3rd he admitted himself to get help and we finally thought he was going to have a chance. He was doing well and felt better, but when he went to a new family doctor for his knee and back pain, this doctor kept giving him stronger medication almost each time he went back to him and that medication is what caused his death. If it was intentional or not, I don't believe we will ever know for sure. I just can't imagine he would leave his daughter (21 months at the time) after waiting all those years to have a child. And she was the love of his life. Well, that's about it . I don't even know what I'm thinking right now. I am getting more and more comfort from our Lord even with the bad moments throughout the days. For some reason I've gone to the book of Job and have been reading it. It must have been written for an example to those suffering because Job was surely tested.
As for you, I pray that you keep taking your medication and seeing your health professionals.
I was under treatment myself for over 12 years for depression and anxiety. I have given God the credit for my being able to get off the medication except for when I would get an anxiety/panic attack. Now, I need to take it every day again.
I don't know your story for your daughter either. I will go look after sending this. Was your loss recent?
I do believe that our days are known by the Father, but as mortals we still suffer with our grief even knowing that all things happen with the Father allowing it.
Gotta get going for now. Hope you have a decent day. I have been praying for those in this group and thank you for your prayers.
Blessings, Ann

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 23, 2010 at 10:41pm

Ann,
It's OK that it took so long to get back to me. I haven't been able to get on here at all. My heart has been so hurt and sorrowed the last couple of weeks. Today was the 4 month since my daughter passed away. I feel sometimes that it is getting harder instead of easier to deal with.

I am so sorry about your son. Mental illness is a terrible thing and people don't understand unless they have been through what we have been through. I have been addicted to street drugs, and pain medication for a long time. I do self medicate myself to get rid of the feelings that I feel inside. Thank God I am no longer doing street drugs, but I still get my pain medication. I have had surgery on my neck and am now having a lot of problems with my back and hips so, unfortunately it is a necessity to keep from feeling the physical pain that I feel a lot of the time.

I am glad that you mentioned the book of Job. I am going to start reading it tonight. I didn't know what it was about. I don't remember if I have read it or not. I read a lot of the new testament, and always read Proverbs every night, as well as the book that has the daily readings in it called Faith to Faith from Kenneth and Gloria Copeland.

I will continue to pray for you and your family, and hope that you have a great Thanksgiving, even though your son is absent. It is hard for me to think about the holidays without Brittainy, but unfortunately she is not here this year. I am trying to keep going without her here, but sometimes it is hard to think about her not being around at the holidays or anytime for that matter. I miss her so badly it hurts worse than any pain that I could experience.

God Bless you and many prayers for you. Gyla

Permalink Reply by Ammy on November 24, 2010 at 8:52am

Gyla, thank you for answering. Yes, I was concerned. I know how upside down our lives can get with mental health problems and then to have something like this on top of it can be so debilitating. I am trying to have Thanksgiving dinner as we've always had. My daughters said they understood if I couldn't do it, but I have to try. I was doing okay Monday and Tuesday, but this morning is bad. I'm watching the clock as I know that around 9:45 on a Wednesday morning 19 weeks ago is when the police came and told us that Charles had died. Why do we have to hurt so bad? Like you I think of all the things I could have said and all the times I could have paid more attention to him. Knowing that it doesn't matter. It can't change anything. Just keep asking our Lord for His peace and comfort to get us through. I pray that you will have the strength to endure the coming days.
I just finished Job this morning. Depending on which bible you read, it can be a little confusing, but I believe the main message is that no matter what Satan puts in our paths to draw us away, if you don't give up on the Lord and just keep pushing forward, in the end God will bless you again with a full life. I sure hope that is true, but then I fear it may take a very long time.
My love and prayers are with you. You are not alone.
Ann

Permalink Reply by Ammy on December 14, 2010 at 3:40pm

Things are just so quiet and lonely.  I'm feeling so much sadness lately.  I feel as though I'm becoming more depressed.  Possibly because of Christmas coming.  I hope it will pass after the holidays are over.  Are you feeling this?

I guess that all we can expect of ourselves is to do "the best we can" each day.  Even on our worst days when "the best we can" will only be to endure.  So often I have felt terribly alone and I know that no one else who has not been through this could possibly understand because I know people that have lost a child and I never realized the immensity of their loss.  Three of my son's closest friends had died.  I had no idea what those families were going through.  I now know that when our pain becomes so intense and we endure for days, weeks, months.....without relief, no one that hasn't walked in our shoes can really know or understand.  We can only hope that they sincerely care and that is all we should really expect of them.  They haven't a clue.

I've heard many times that we need to always thank and praise God, even when we're up against our hardest struggles and can't seem to go on.  That those invisible chains that bind us will eventually fall away.  Today is 5 months since my son did not wake up and I have tried to  still praise and thank God for the things I can be grateful for, but how can I thank Him for allowing Charles to die?  It just doesn't seem right, but as I sat here reading this morning I believe God has put this on my heart.  I don't know what tomorrow, next week, or next month will bring, but God does.  Maybe, just maybe, He saved my son from something far worse.  If I think that way, then I am thankful.  It doesn't lessen the pain or my missing him, but maybe I need to feel that for my own sanity.

I'm sorry if I have just seemed to jump around with my thoughts, but that is how I've been lately and I thought that if I wrote something it would help me. 

May our Lord have mercy on us.

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