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Comment by Ann on August 2, 2012 at 6:29pm

They cut you, they pump poison through your veins and you see it, black, making its way through your body.  You sit together, aware of each tick of the clock.  You are too tired to do any living, too determined not to die.  

Comment by Mary M. on July 24, 2012 at 8:03am

Lynda, I am so sorry for your loss.  Reading all the posts here has helped me realize i am not alone.  What I am feeling and/or doing is not strange but something others experience too.  My aunt lost my uncle last fall and talking to her this past few weeks has helped me understand that no matter what age, we all feel the same emotions, we still have moments of tears, and unfortunately, many of us feel guilty that we are crying for what we have lost.  My poor auntie tells me she feels so guilty at times for not saying goodbye when my uncle was not so doped up he didn't hear her, for crying at what others consider inappropriate moments.  I hope that our talks have helped her to understand that she doesn't need to feel guilty, love surpasses all, and crying is OK and nothing to feel guilty for.  Many of you have helped me see this so thank you.  Doesn't make it easier to live through but somehow it helps to not feel so alone and isolated.  

Comment by Debbie S on July 24, 2012 at 12:35am

Oh Linda so so sorry to hear that. I what you mean on being on auto pilot. Its will be 5 months on the 7th of Aug since I los my husband. I went from auto to just going through thr motions. This helps me but I started therapy too. I needed to be able to talk to someone. Boy is it hard to make myself get out of the house to go.

Comment by Lynda Pool Vonderlage on July 23, 2012 at 8:21pm

I lost my mom today from lung cancer. Iam def on auto pilot

Comment by Ann on July 23, 2012 at 12:36am

Love to all who are hurting.

Comment by Desiree M on July 22, 2012 at 11:29pm

Last week was one month since I lost Ron and I have to agree with people when they say that after the death of a Love one you go into auto-pilot. One month later I am feeling like I just lost him today, I have been consumed with such feelings of emotional lost. I feel like I miss him more, I can't drive down the road of the hospital that he died in because it is too painful. I don't like listening to the radio because every song I hear reminds me of him. I know they say "Time heals all wounds" but my wounds are fresh and so hurtful. Just praying that the weight on my chest gets a little lighter. 

Comment by Kim Phillips on July 22, 2012 at 8:23am

Mary Mary I feel your pain.  I totally understand especially about being half alive and the other half doesn't want to be.  I really don't talk much to anyone.  I hide in my house behind my computer.  I think my tears have filled up a bathtub.  I go to sleep crying and wake up crying.  The pain and lonliness at times is almost unbearable.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I used to laugh a lot and joke around and just enjoy life.  All that is gone.  Who I am is gone and I have to look deep inside to try and find out who I am again.  Mary sending you a BIG HUG!

Comment by Mary M. on July 22, 2012 at 6:28am

I am also at the 4 month mark, or thereabouts, and it seems the last few weeks I have cried almost as much as I did the weeks following my husband's passing.  Everything sparks a memory, a reminder of what is gone.  It feels like I am in a fog and can't find the way out and I feel helpless all the time.  My emotions are haywire, flying in every direction.  As much as I try to hold it together for my family and some of my friends (others see right through me even over the phone), my world is still crumbling.   Anna, I hope I reach the point where you seem to be but right now that seems a long way off.  Kim and Debbie, I feel a lot like both of you.   I have never been the one who asked for help but the one who gave to everybody, now it seems every time I turn around I am having to ask somebody for help to do things I should know how to do, but either have never done or can't remember how.  I hope this fog in my brain clears soon, because it feels like I am only half alive .. and the other half doesn't want to be.  I continue to feel like I want to run away and hide, not feel responsible for everybody's well-being, but I am also afraid the hurt will overtake me completely.  Why is it pain and fear go hand in hand?   It's the early hours of the morning again and I have tears pouring down my face as I start another day.  Hugs to you all.

Comment by anna l. on July 21, 2012 at 12:45pm

Kim and Debbie, the pain does seem to get worse as the first months pass.  I think it is as our self-preservation shut down mode eases, more of the reality of all we have lost gets through.  For me the Worst point was at around 5 months.  That is when it seemed to level out a bit and where I was starting to be able to sleep and eat better which is just so important in any type of healing.  By close to the year mark I was having more time each day when I felt like the old me and was also when I started being able to go out in our community shopping etc easier.  Last year while my husband was suffering and then after he was gone I was sooo not me.  I do not use strong language, but boy did that become a thing for me.  Around Christmas time last year, 6 months after Tom died my 16 year old granddaughter and I were talking and she said it was sure nice to have her Nana back.  The Nana that was around during the summer was not very nice and boy could she swear!  Grief changes us.  Some changes are permanent, some are just fleeting.  We have to give ourselves permission to just be what we need to be while we need to be that.  Just like I changed and grew during my marriage, now I need to change and grow, hopefully in a good way now that my husband is gone.  Sending hugs to everyone, but especially those just starting out on this road fork called GRIEF.

Comment by Kim Phillips on July 21, 2012 at 10:01am

Debbie I feel your pain.  It has been a little over 2 months and cry more and more everyday.  I feel so empty and lonely and lost.  The pain is getting worse with each day.  I too question why?  I still can't believe it.  It feels so unreal.  I want to wake up from this nightmare.  What I have learned from all this is what "real love" is all about.  I am sorry you are hurting so much.  Blessings and hugs

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