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Comment by Karen Van Benschoten on June 15, 2013 at 11:12am

I know that it is never going to get easier. I got 8 pics in the mail yesterday, of my mom and her boyfriend. She looked so happy and healthy....I finally had to put them aside, and try to look at them another time.

Comment by Dennis C. on June 15, 2013 at 7:59am

I think that we learn to compartmentalize. Which means that we just start putting things in boxes, so to speak.

Our loss, grief, and pain never stops, but we put all of that in a box in our heart. We feel it, but we have other compartments (boxes) in our lives that we have to deal with as well.

Other family members, our own health and well being, our job, etc.

Some times we feel guilty when we have to pay attention to another compartment. This is normal. One day we can put the guilt itself in the same box with our pain, grief and loss.

Just my thoughts.

Comment by dream moon JO B on June 10, 2013 at 3:40pm

it nevr gets easier mary its wen peple say thngs to us lik u shud be over it or get over its easy its not easy coz our loved 1s r not hear any more 

i woz looking at old fotos thy othr day a lot of people hav sins died sins thy wear lst took a lot of thm died of ths evil desese i dont no how any 1 cud wish it on peple 

iv had it wisht on me i tell peple thy shyd be carfull for whot thy wish for coz it mite com true

i wishd ther woz a cure for it to many peple r dying frm it thy r

jo

Comment by Mary M. on June 10, 2013 at 12:06pm

Hi Kim,  Hugs to you, I am really not sure if it gets easier, I have concluded we just learn to hide how much we are missing our loved ones better.  Like you I seem to be missing my husband just as much if not more these days.  I look at his picture and the tears flow so freely.  Going to places we went together hasn't got easier either but I keep telling myself this is not what he would want for me.  Even in his last days he was busy telling our kids to take care of me.   Even up to the end he was thinking about everybody else so I ask myself, how can I do anything less.  These last 15 months I have tried to keep busy, I have fostered 4 babies knowing that the work involved in caring for them would keep me busy, the lack of sleep would make me too tired to think too much.   My conclusion is that I keep busy in order to keep my feelings under control.  Like you I am venting, trying to understand why I feel this need to keep busy, to grieve for each of these little ones when they leave my home (although I know they are safe and cared for) to me its another loss.   Why can't I let my grief out?  Because there are not enough tears or kleenex .. I'd need a bed load of sheets to wipe my tears and still it wouldn't be enough.  That's why I try to keep so much control over my emotions.  Well that and the fact that my children don't seem to understand why I can't move forward .. my fostering gives them the impression that I am moving forward even when I know inside I am not.   Sorry, today is a bad day .. baby leaving yesterday is making it hard to hold back tears .. being alone today is both good and bad .. I can cry without guilt and maybe by the time my daughter is home I will have pulled myself back together .. praying that is the case anyway.   I guess I am trying to say you are not alone Kim, while that doesn't help but hopefully knowing others are thinking of you and sending hugs does .. even cyber hugs.  

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 10, 2013 at 1:45am

Hi,

Just need to vent.  I lost her a year ago on May 12th.  Who ever said it gets easier is full of crap.  Actually I believe each day is getting harder.  As the days go by, I am missing her more and more.  I am becoming lonelier and lonelier.  My heart aches more and more.  Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Comment by Rebecca A. Collazo on May 31, 2013 at 7:48am

Hi Mary, Thanks a lot for your message. I'm really sorry about your loss too. I think I was in the same kind of fog you were into but only for the first two weeks after my father passed away. My mom, brothers, relatives and old friends live in another country and while I was with them, we comforted each other and we shared positive energy that made us stronger. But when I came back to the states it's like reality struck me right in the face. My husband and my son are very supportive and loving but they don't share my pain like my mom and brothers do. I'm really glad I found this community because if anyone says 'I'm sorry' or 'I feel your pain' I know they really  mean it.  Blessings for you as well. Good day :D

Comment by Mary M. on May 28, 2013 at 10:53am

Hi Rebecca, I am sorry for your loss.   One of the things that got me through the first days after my husband passed away last March 24 was  that he was no longer suffering.  He was in so much pain the last few weeks my heart broke.  Although I admit the first months after I was in a fog.  I still miss him so much but I am so thankful he is not still suffering.  Blessings.

Comment by Rebecca A. Collazo on May 27, 2013 at 11:08pm

Hi everyone, I lost my dad on January 27 to prostate cancer and I can tell you that I lived the most painful days of my entire life, when my dad was in the latest stages of his disease. Watching him suffer was even worse than seeing him die. The feeling of impotence when someone you love is in such misery kills you inside. I miss my dad so much, God knows how much I do, but at least he is free from all that pain and torment. That makes me feel a little better.

Comment by dream moon JO B on May 27, 2013 at 3:34pm

i agrea sue thee big c is a murderning b@@@@@@@@d its so evil no body shud suffer frm it

we suffer wen we sea our loved 1s sufer we suffer more wen thy die thn u get peple sayng thngs to us likee get over it its easy wen we no its not easy

thn u sea ads on tv tellng us abot it smoking is the bigist killer we all no smoking kills

i did a goood dead on sataday well i hop i did i dontadd a jar of small change to th horspis so at least 1 person can get a bit out of it

i m findng comfot wen i fond thes on aner web site thes angel grafs thy r so adcdid thy r

Comment by Sue Waxman on May 27, 2013 at 9:05am

Hello,

I read your posts and your pain is so raw. It touches me deeply. My mother passed June 26 2011. The 2 year mark is right around the corner. She was my world to say the least. I use to have 2 sisters. But after Mom passed they showed me how much they did not like me. That was pretty awful and all in the same day. I will tell you that you life IS forever changed when your mother is no longer in the same world. Mom suffered from throat cancer for about 1 year. I don't have to explain to any of you what that was like - watching your Mother suffer ...then waste away...then take her final breath before your eyes. I still take one hour at a time. I don't think I can ever love another human being again. Not the deep way I use to. However, I do have a deep sense of spirituality that I never had before. My life is about being kind and doing for others as much as I can. I had a life shift when she passed. I have clarity more than I ever thought I could.

The pain changes....the loss never changes. How much I miss Memorial BBQ's with the family I use to have. I do have so many GREAT memories. Even though I am alone in this world...I do not FEEL alone. Please accept my support and friendship. One hour at a time. As yes cancer is a murderous bastard. 

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