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Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 1, 2015 at 6:09pm

Dear Roger,

I fully empathize with your pain and your sense of devastation and loss. Today is March 1st and Joseph would have turned 50 on the 15th. I cannot quite put it in words, there are no adequate words, to say how terribly, terribly I miss my beloved Joseph! How I long with my entire being to be with him wherever in the universe he may be! We were together for 19 happy years. I had a life before him and I now am alive after he is gone. For all I know I'll live for another 25-30 years, I am 54 years old. But my life will never be the same again without him. Will I continue to go on living without him? Yes, obviously, I am alive now. To all from the outside--my family members, friends, colleagues, and students--I look "normal." I function pretty well and go about my business like everyone else. But inside, on a daily basis, sometimes on an hourly basis, my pain is just too much to bear. Small things and big things bring in a wave of tears as they remind me of my life with Joseph. I don't want to go on living without Joseph. I simply don't.

We are all different, and we grieve and experience pain differently. There is no right or wrong way to do it. But as far as I am concerned, my life is not worth living without the wonderful, loving, generous, and funny man with whom I was fortunate  enough to share my life for some years. If I could I would join Joseph today, but alas it is not up to us to choose the time of our death. (I cannot commit suicide.)

Joseph's untimely death like the death of the other loved ones of people on this forum is absolutely cruel, senseless, and utterly underserved. For as long as I live my life will remain unfulfilled and my pain unbearable. Every waking hour I will lament his death and wish he were here with me now.

For those of us who are finding the death of our beloved spouse unbearable, my deepest sympathies go to you. May the bright memory of our loved one bring us some measure of comfort and help us through this sorrowful journey what we now call life. Peace to all who reads this post.

Comment by Anita Jeffery on March 1, 2015 at 10:50am

Hi Roger,  I am still so new to this grieving although I felt the grief acutely the whole time my husband had cancer.  It was a gradual but extremely painful process of knowing for the first time that my life was changed forever.  I think a big part of this is learning that nothing in life is  permanent, and if we want to find happiness again we MUST find our own identity again and move forward with it.  That being said, it's not something that anyone wants to  have to do.  We get so used to one thing, but everything in life can change.  You have your own identity...however hard it is, you need to think about what you can do to be happy again someday.  I don't know your age, so I can see it would be different depending on what your remaining lifespan would possibly be.  I am only 58, and I know no matter what, that my husband would want me to make new friends, find new things to try, and go on with a fulfilling life.  Maybe if you could for just a bit think about what things in life YOU might have wanted to do if this ever came about.  I hope that I'm saying this right.  I'm not trying to tell you something you don't already know.  But I feel so caught up in grief at this time that it IS hard to move forward.  But there are still things in life that I want to do, and in spite of the fact that I no longer have my beloved husband with me, I'm at least going to try when I'm ready to go to museums (my husband hated them), go to the library more, find new volunteer opportunities, etc.  We come to think of ourselves as so much only a couple, but we were always still individuals too.  I know the feeling though about the catalog.  I am dreading the first trip to our favorite nursery this year.  Don't even know if I can do it.  We found a lot of enjoyment in going to the nursery almost weekly and buying new and interesting plants.  But ultimately I still love gardening.  I hope you can find something for yourself.  Sending positive thoughts your way!!!

 

Comment by Roger on March 1, 2015 at 9:50am

Karla got a gurney's seed catalog in the mail the other day. This time of the year. She would sit and look at it for hours. Planning what all she wanted to grow in her garden for the year. The last summer she lived. She had a very good crop of patotes. When they were ready to dig up. I worked the shovel. When several big patotes would pop up out of the out the dirt. She would just holler in excitement. She/we had so much fun harvesting them. I miss her so much. I miss our life together. She was everything to me. I didn't exsit before her. Now I don't exist with out her. Cancer took her away from me. "WHY"

Comment by roteiro on February 27, 2015 at 4:23pm

Hello! Cancer is really horrible. One of my friends has it too... They say, there is a stem cells treatment method like the one http://uctclinic.com/ offers. It has to be really effective and working. I hope, it will help people to get over the illness.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 22, 2015 at 3:39am

Thank you for writing back, Anita. I know that you can relate to my pain since you have experienced something very similar. I am thankful for many things in life still: my good health, the good health of the peolpe I love, that I didn't have to face financial difficulty, and the love and consideration shown to me, even now, by many people. But I am being honest when I say that I don't think that I will ever find joy again, it's maybe because I don't want to (that's what my grief therapist told me). I just find my life meaningless without Joseph, and very the thought of staying alive indefinitely is a source of depression and anxiety for me. That's how I feel right now. It's possible that some years down the line I may feel differently, and if so, that would be good.

Again, best wishes to you and very sorry for your untimely loss. None of us deserve this, and neither do our departed loved ones.

Comment by Anita Jeffery on February 22, 2015 at 12:19am

I know just what you feel Trina.  Many people, even strangers, the chemo nurses, and friends would tell us that while they had been married (many of them divorced), they felt they had never experienced a closeness and love like ours.  I would never wanted to go through this experience, but knowing how much my husband loved me makes me feel more fortunate to have been with him for a long time.  It doesn't lessen the pain, but makes me know that every minute of every day we had together was worth it.  I never will love anyone like him again.  I never want to, but I do know that he wanted very much for me to go on and live a life that had meaning and joy in it.  I'm sure that your husband would feel the same.  I have lost a lot of my extended family over the last few years, but have found peace with knowing I loved and was loved by someone very special.  Do I cry every day?   Yes, definitely.  Sometimes it feels like I won't be able to stop.  But it seems that we all have to go through this with someone close to us at some point.  While my husband was sick, we found out that the people that lived across the street from us lost their 7 year old grandson to cancer.  The one thing that we all share is that we WILL lose someone we love with all our hearts.  I try to remember that everyone dies.  Our husbands just died too soon.  I wish you peace and I hope you do learn to find joy, as there is always something in life that can bring that to you.  There is still a lot to be thankful for in life.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 21, 2015 at 11:47pm

Dear Anita,

Whenever I read the story of new member of this site, I can't keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. You shared such a beautiful love with your husband; you spoke about it so touchingly.

When my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, after the pneumonectomy of his right lung, he was put on chemotherapy. He didn't want to undergo it as it was so horrible, but he did it for me. I begged him to give chemo a chance, thinking that it would prolong his life. Of course, I don't know if my husband lived longer because of that treatment, all I know is that my wonderful darling Joseph passed 9 months after his diagnosis. During the nine horrific months of surgery and chemotherapy, like you and you husband, Joseph and I loved each other even more. We had been married for 14 years (been together for 19) and all our friends and relatives knew that we had a very special relationship. We were lovers and best friends, and we meant everything to one another. We have no children, so it had always been just the two of us. The news of his terminal illness almost but broke us, but we kept strong for each other. And I think I was in denial, I thought that Joseph would recover. All through this terrible ordeal, Joseph never once asked "Why me?" He was 48 when diagnosed and passed at 49 last August. During his illness he taught me by example to be thankful for the good things that we had--our love for each other, our loving friends and family, the travels that we did together. I think it is because of his positive attitude and acceptance of death that I have not gone crazy. His death changed my life forever, I will never find joy in anything anymore, I just go through the motions and nothing much really matters to me. I go on living because I can't take my own life, but if one could wish for one's death, that's what I do everyday. At night, when I go to bed, it's the thought that we were so happy together and loved each other so much that helps me fall asleep.

The agony of losing a spouse is unspeakably painful, and I send my deepest sympathies to all the bereaved spouses and also other bereaved family members here. May we be able to find peace at some point.

Comment by Anita Jeffery on February 21, 2015 at 10:49pm

Roger, thank you for telling me.  I have to say I was on a few support sights all year last year for cancer support, but now it's heartbreaking to read the posts.  My husband had terminal, inoperable Pancreatic Cancer, and many people make the decision to go home and get hospice care without ever getting any treatment.  The ones who fight, your wife and my husband, are heroic to my thinking.  I know my husband desperately wanted to stay with me as long as he could, and I also know that sharing a period of time with someone who is literally dying is a strangely special and rare time.  My husband and I came to love each other more than we ever had before.  He depended on me for everything, and when he realized I was willing to do whatever was necessary, he seemed to know how very much I really did love him.  I cherish that time in some ways, because it was just the 2 of us...trying to come to terms with something that no one ever wants to face.  It's so difficult to go to bed at night.  I still can't believe he's gone.   I also lost my mother rather suddenly just 2 1/2 years ago.  It made it so hard because all last year I wanted desperately wanted to be able to pick up the phone and have her comfort me.  Both my parents are gone, and I lost a brother 5 years ago to suicide...   The last 7 years have been so sad and difficult, and this has been such a huge life changing experience for me.  I hope you are finding peace in your life.  I am working toward simply accepting that my life is forever changed.   Bless you and your family!

Comment by Betsy Arnold on February 21, 2015 at 10:43pm

Anita, I am so sorry. I, too lost my husband and can relate to much of what you wrote as well. You and your son are both in my prayers as well. My husband died in October 2009, but in some ways it feels like it was yesterday. My Mom also died of cancer, in July 2014. I am so lost and alone without both of them. I was their caregiver, as well as they were my best friends. My husband was sick for most of our marriage (18 years) with blood diseases that eventually led to blood cancer. Went through chemo, and he had a stem cell transplant that eventually failed. My Mom was diagnosed with liver cancer a week before she died. I can say at this point that knowing death is eventually coming and having it happen suddenly are equally as painful. They were my best friends. I also took care of them full time, which I was glad to do, but now I am so lost. My Mom was 89 when she passed, and my husband was 43 when he passed. We were unable to have children. I am 50 and alone, and having to start life over, find some kind of career. I have no desire to do either. You are in my prayers.

Comment by Roger on February 21, 2015 at 10:29pm

Anita, I lost my wife to breast cancer February 9,2013. We went through the cancer experience, as you and your husband did. Surgeries, 8 different kinds of chemo. Radiation therapy. The whole 9 yards. Only to end almost exactly the same way as your husband. She was at home with hospice. Plenty of morphine. I loved her so very much. Then a year and a half later my mom died with pneumonia. She had advanced COPD. She went basicly the same way. Nearly killing me again. So believe me when I say, I understand the kind of pain you are having to endure. I am so very sorry for your loss. There are a lots of people here that are suffering terribly from losing loved ones. There is comfort in knowing that you aren't the only one. That feels the way you do. I will certainly keep you and your son in my prayers.

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