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Comment by Kathleen Lange on December 14, 2010 at 3:09pm

Cancer is an ugly monster--taking people much too soon.  A loss is difficult to weather---but move forward we must.  I am 8 weeks into my grief and trying hard to move forward.  Being at home is lonely and such a reminder---but it is a safe shelter.  Keeping all of you in prayerful thoughts this holiday season--especially those of us going through this for the 1st time.  Peace to all of you--

Comment by Shawna Shuler on December 14, 2010 at 2:48pm

Jessica I couldnt agree with you more, my life may not have been perfect before Jerry got sick but at least it was good and we were happy together planning our wedding and raising our sons together.  Each morning, day and night gets a littler harder and I keep wondering why everyone says it will get better but Im just feeling worse.  I hate leaving my house because its the only place I feel close to him because this is where I took care of him and where he passed.  I feel like if Im gone from our home too long I'll miss something from him I dont even know what it is Im looking for.  The dreams are getting worse as well I keep trying to remember his voice but I just cant and its only been a month nothing seems to help, not talking to people around me because I was told they are pretty much tired of hearing it, and Im no good at talking to strangers like a group in person so Im stuck in this place and dont know where to turn and I am trying to be so strong for my kids like he wanted me to be but that seems to be another thing all in itsself,  Been having these anxiety attacks frequently nothing makes sense anymore and I cant grasp what it is Im supposed to do or how Im supposed to feel and with no one wanting to listen to me family wise it so doesnt help.....

Comment by Jessica Manning on December 13, 2010 at 9:33pm

CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Rodney Reinhardt on December 7, 2010 at 8:46pm

We just passed 38 months. 3 years seems like forever and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around "he has cancer" let alone that he died from it. I wish I could tell all of you that at 3 years it's a lot better, it's different, the immediate pain has been replaced by a longing. At least that's been my experience, but don't take that as how it's supposed to be for you. Everyone of us grieves in our own way and our own time. For what it's worth I don't think other people who aren't walking your path have the right to tell you how to grieve. As long as you're not hurting yourself or someone else grieve as you need to and in your time. I find that a lot of people want us to be who we were before the loss, but it doesn't work like that. Our lives are changed and this is our new normal, and in the beginning it's physically hard work. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to grieve and express the emotions. It is traumatic to go through something like this, and the learning to live with it takes time. And it's important to remember that it's learning to live with it, not getting over it. People who want us to get over it aren't living it. I wish you all a peaceful holiday season, laugh if you can, hide out if you need to, cry if it's what you need at the moment, but most of all allow yourself to grieve as you need to.

Comment by Shawna Shuler on December 7, 2010 at 6:56am

Yesterday was Jerry's birthday and I dont know how but even though the day was long and rough somehow I made it through. The days seem to be getting longerand nights are harder. I feel like Im moving along in a daze and at times it seems like its not even me when I talk or do things. The kids keep me going they act more and more like Jerry everyday he taught them so many things before he left us. I would give anything in this world to see him, feel him hold me, talk to him, or hear his laugh again. I know things will never be normal again but I wish it would just feel that way sometime. I feel so tired all the time but I dont want to sleep, and I feel hungry but when I go to eat my stomache just turns into a know. I thank everyone on here who since I have started writing on here that have left me comments it helps me knowing Im not alone and not the only one going through this that there are others that feel the same way I do. I mean I knew that I wasnt the only one but...its hard to explain

Comment by Judy Kemp on December 4, 2010 at 8:04am

Shawana I am sorry for your loss. I know the pain your going thru right now and i wont tell you its going to get better because i cannt right now my husband has been gone 2yrs now and i still am not able to deal with his death cancer not only takes our love ones but it takes part of us too. There is no time table on grief no winners line to cross no awards to be collected at the end. You will have to be brave for the kids i know its hard just know that your not alone and if you every need to talk that i will be here for you. And on those bad days think of him and remenber how much you loved him it will help some not much but some i dont want to tell you that it will be alright because iam still trying to find my way without my husband just take it one day at a time thats all we can do at this point. And know that if you every need to talk i will be here to listen. Will keep you and your family in my prays.

Comment by Shawna Shuler on December 4, 2010 at 7:29am

Judy I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my fiance/kids father 3 wks ago today and I read your post and I have been trying to figure out how I feel and your post nailed it right on. I get so tired of hearing how things will get better soon from people that have never been where I am right now and the only thing that keeps me from doing anything stupid is our kids. I cant get over the anger I feel towards myself because I wasnt here when Jerry passed away. He had slipped into a coma in our home and I had told my dad I needed to take a walk later that evening to get some air and I walked over to a girlfriend of mines home. I wasnt there more than 10 mins when we saw police cars and fire trucks and amublances fly by her house. she called my dad and he told her to get me home immediately I was running down the street before she hung up the phone. He was gone by the time I got there and I dont remember really anything after that except screaming and crying. These past 3 wks have seemed like a lifetime my kids are so young I try not to cry when they are around because they dont understand. When I go to bed at night thats all I can do...I miss jerry so very much and like you I wish I could have told him 1 more time how very much I loved him

Comment by Judy Kemp on December 3, 2010 at 11:52pm

So tried of my life spinning out of control when Brian died he took my heart and soul with him cannt handle anymore the holidays so hard to feal with keep taking pills to get thru the days at night i take more pills to get thru the night when am i going to be able to get on with my life. I get up at night thinking i hear Brian calling out to me it hurts so much waking up and not finding him here.All i do is cry and think of how i can be with him then i think of the kids and stop but its getting harder to stop each time. I found a box today with letters Brian had written to me while fighting the cancer after reading them over and over again i find that i need to be with him so much it hurts to breath i miss him so much cannt handle this anymore.Dont know who to turn to so tried of people telling me its time to move on with my life want to yell at them that they dont know how i feel and to leave me alone i dont leave the house any more when i do people tell me to move on or how sorry they are and it will get better how do they know cause i would really like to know how they can give advice on something they never been thru.... my kids asked me what do you want for x-mas mom i a smiled at them and said that as long as i have them i didnt need anything else. Thats was a lie what i need for x mas is my husband to be here with us i know that wouldnt happen so ill set here watch my kids have a merry xmas and try not to cry in front of them i love them so much i dont think i would have gotten this far with out them. Each day is hard than the last fore me to get up and function but i do for now anyway.....just wished i could have told him one more time that i loved him so much

.

Comment by Jan Duvenage on December 2, 2010 at 5:14am

There is no manual or guide on how to grieve Shawna, and even if there was it wouldn't help because no mere book or mortal can take the pain and hurt away. It is up to us to hold on to the memories and thoughts of those that has transcended to the next level. We, the ones that are left behind, live with the grief,heartache, fear and sometimes anger that accompanies the loss of a partner. I deal with it by every morning kissing my wifes photo and saying goodbye on the way to work and talking to her, at night when it is quiet and dark i think of her and it hurts and i cry but then i fall asleep with the knowledge that she is now at peace and no longer in pain and that she loved us all and still do love us. Just stay strong and keep on thinking of Jerry and talk to him and with time the effects will soften and your love for him will be even stronger on a spiritual level. Keep well Shawna.

Comment by Shawna Shuler on December 1, 2010 at 6:03pm

Thank you Connie and Jan for the messages reading them and knowing there are others out there that I can communicate with that are going through the same helps a little bit. No Connie I dont want to go in any hospital thats for sure though thats what my family thinks will help me but I also have my two sons to think about also. They are the only ones keeping me grounded at this point because I look at them and they are so much like Jerry that I have to smile.. It does suck for anyone to have to go through this and especially during the holidays sometimes I wonder how the hell Im gonna hold up during them and Jerrys birthday is in 6 days that makes it just as bad. Jan I am sorry to hear of your loss and the fact your anniversary and all is coming up this month I know that will make it more difficult for you. I am trying to do as Jerry would want me to do I never realized it when we talked about the what ifs that it would end up being this hard and heartbreaking. Connie I know what you mean when you say you sleep with an article of clothing I sleep with Jerrys picture have since that night. I know that its going to take time and it will never stop hurting and Im young and I have myself and the kids to live for because thats what Jerry wanted but I wanted to live on with him not without him.......

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