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Comment by Donna Doucette on June 20, 2016 at 1:09pm

Allot of my husbands issues were the tumors in the brain and the medication they gave him.  I just remember being so sleep deprived.  He would rest during the night but call to me almost every hour.  Then it seemed if I were to sit to eat, he would call me.  I know he didn't do it on purpose, but I kept thinking....you just don't want me to have a hot meal or get any sleep do you.  I tell ya, I don't know if I'll ever get over this guilt.

Comment by Susan on June 20, 2016 at 1:02pm

Yes! I remember that now. I had the same experience: normal one minute and abusive the next. I never knew when the change would happen and it kept me on edge all the time. I called it his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome. Some days he would take those words and try to use them on me and say that I had a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde personality but I didn't and I knew it. Whatever I said to talk to him about himself and what he was doing to me he would then try to turn it around and say that I did the same things but of course I knew better. He was tricky and manipulative. I had to be very strong.

Comment by dream moon JO B on June 20, 2016 at 11:52am

s 1 postd a mesge on hear abot abusv of s 1 it had demesa im goin thru ths abus nw u cuds ay say getin yelld at nite day sweard ay at im lk a nrevs wek weck u cud say coz mu my nrervs r shaky thy r 

mum usd 2 be grt she wz but 1 min shes ok nxt min she can be so rud agresv i no is gona get wors i no

Comment by Susan on June 17, 2016 at 4:28pm

Carma,

I do understand what you're saying about recovering from your parents' cancers being hard when you've been with them most of your life. I don't know why I just got your response today. It sure took awhile. I will also be attending the Hospice group grief counseling. I hope it helps both of us greatly. When I referred to anyone saying something negative to you if you started to enjoy life again, I was anticipating that it may happen in the future, not saying that it had already happened. I myself have had the feeling a few times that maybe someone thought I wasn't sad enough over my husband's death. Some people were more upset than I was at certain times. They don't know the hell he put me through prior to his death and I don't want to ruin their memories by saying anything negative about him.

I think it's possible that you can only stay in grief for just so long before your mind seeks a break...something beautiful in life that you appreciate comes to mind for a while to give you some peace and to recharge your batteries. It might be only for a day or a few hours but you just may find yourself enjoying something or someone you didn't expect to enjoy. And that's healthy in my opinion. You may go back to grieving after your break, but at least you had a break.

Comment by carma on May 21, 2016 at 8:32pm

Susan,

thanks for the upbeat advice....Mom wants me to do that..I moved back in with them a few years ago and now I know why....God had that planned for me...but now I am here in the house and it doesn't feel right at least at this moment.....I also think they both had cancer at the same time just that symptoms presented differently....And actually a little too late thou dad lasted longer than I thought....I will be doing grief counseling with the hospice... ....I told mom thou that I would feel guilty if I started to have fun again...now I have to find out what it is as it's been too long.....no one made any comments it's actually how I was feeling.....she keeps sending me home when I go visit but yes I am very tired and drained.  I was just recovering from that with dad .....catching up on things and rest....It's just hard when they have been with you most of the time thru out your life.... 

Comment by Susan on May 21, 2016 at 7:48am

Carma,

If you are comfortable moving on with your life then do it without any guilt. There is no right or wrong here. How you handle your grief is your business and very personal to you. Please don't let someone else make you feel guilty with a comment they make to you. They have no business trying to make you grieve the way they think you should.

If you decide to move on with your life, don't be surprised if you suddenly find yourself back in some stage of grief for a little while. As you probably know, we move in and out of different stages of grief and recovery without regard to any particular order. 

Comment by carma on May 20, 2016 at 8:50pm

Well I lost my dad back in December 2015 and now my mom at almost any minute or day...We took her to the hospital thinking it was a backache or a pinched nerve but ended up being so much more.........breast cancer that spread to both lungs and bones.....among some kidney failure and other issues about 9 total...she is so weak that she didn't think she could do radiation and has not eaten but one time in about 10 days almost 2 weeks soon and hardly any fluids..........It all happened so quick as where dad spent 15 months battling it....It isn't even 5 full months and I am going thru it again........I find that I am not alone with both going so close together.  The only thing I can think of is that god wants me to move on with my life but I feel guilty to do it.......is this normal??/  Someone reach out to me.....

Comment by Susan on May 6, 2016 at 4:13pm

Susan P, I'm sorry for your loss. I wish there was a group you could find near you. Maybe you will find one caring person in your life to be that special one that you can open up to and tell everything to and receive a great big hug and feel comfortable enough to cry around and still feel accepted. Maybe a neighbor or close friend or relative will turn out to be that person for you. I hope you get whatever it is that you need. I'm sure you have plenty of needs besides this particular one. I think we all need a friend like this one to open up to and we need other support systems, too.

You didn't have very long to prepare to lose your husband. That can be rough. God bless you, Susan.

Comment by Shirley on May 5, 2016 at 7:53pm

Susan P....Thanks for your reply and for your Blessings.  Where I live they have these group meetings  inside some of the Health Insurance buildings..  Know they have meetings at Cigna because have seen the group meeting there.  If there are not any group meetings perhaps a few of your neighbors and you can start one in your back yard or living room....It really helps so much to have others who are going through the same  grief to get together and discuss your days and concerns.  GOD Bless you my friend..........

Comment by Susan P on May 5, 2016 at 7:03pm

Shirley, Thank you for the suggestion.  I have looked in my areal for grief groups, the hospice sent me a list but they were almost all in the afternoon when I'm working of the couple in the evening were too far from my job to be practical.  I've also looked online but with no luck except finding this forum.  I will keep looking, but just knowing I have found a place to express how I feel without worrying about being judged gives me some comfort.  Blessings for you as well.

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