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Comment by Kay on July 13, 2011 at 5:00pm

My husband died  last November after a 9 year battle with leukemia. Yesterday would have been our 31st anniversary. I planned on going to his grave but I was so emotional and tired that I never left the house. I miss him so much he was my best friend.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on July 13, 2011 at 3:36pm

Hi Mercy, When I read about your brother dying last year so young and then your mom more recently, It reminded me of my brother dying at 45 after a hard battle with cancer. My mother followed a few years later, but she had never been the same after losing one of her sons. It might just be that she felt your brother needed her with him more than you did here on earth. She may not have been able to keep going after losing a child. I think that is the hardest of all no matter how old they are, they are still your babies. Try to think of them being together and maybe that will give you a little comfort. I do that with the loss of my husband. He lost his mother when he was 18 and now finally they are together again along with his dad and 3 of his best friends that have all died in the last 11 months. I believe there is one big group up there and they are just waiting for the rest of us to join. Join when the time is right I mean. Nothing can change the loss, but if you believe there is another place where they are all together waiting it can help you forget a little about what they went through and think about what is now. Hope this helps.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 13, 2011 at 12:38pm

Dear Mercy -

I know about wanting to crawl under a rock!  I'm sure most of us here do.  After 7 months without my Don, I still replay those last few days he was at home and dying, unable to communicate most of the time - although he would have a sudden lucid moment every now and then - and those images just pop up out of nowhere.  At least I'm not having nightmares, and I wish I had something to offer you for that, but maybe it's part of your process of grieving?  We all have different ways of processing it.  When Don does show up in a dream, it's usually a good one, something positive.  When I was had just graduated from high school, my best friend was hiking in Yosemite Nat. Park and fell to his death.  It was such a terrible time for me, because he was "just my friend" and no one seemed to understand what I was going through, except his mom.  But I still remember the dreams I had about him for several years after that.  It was like I'd see him and say "where have you been?  Everyone's been looking for you!"  And then I'd wake up, realize it was a dream and the pain would start again.  I don't want this to sound unfeeling or anything, but we all die.  Some of us die before we're ready; but then again, depending on your belief system, maybe it's all part of a higher plan.  I don't know what I believe.  I only know how much it hurts when we lose someone we love so deeply, but I never knew it would hurt this much or this deeply.  And yes, one minute at a time is a good way to take it.  

Comment by mercy on July 13, 2011 at 11:33am

Hi Donna and everyone else living this nightmare. I too have bad dreams and flashbacks of my mom weak and frail. I miss her so much and break down constantly longing for her. I thought she would beat it, she wanted to be around a little longer. We've endured so much pain with the loss in  one year. My brother died suddenly last year at the age of 43, and now mom is gone after a short battle. Its so unfair. I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock on some days. I also know mom wanted me to have a full, happy life. I try hard to cheer myself up sometimes just for her sake. I'm so sorry everyone. Lets just take it one minute at a time.

Comment by Donna Schlatter on July 13, 2011 at 7:50am

Cynthia, I didn't realize that you had Don's ashes spread all around like that.  I think that was a wonderful idea; now you can know (like you said) that there is a little of him touching everyone's lives everywhere.  And you also hit the nail on the head....the grief hits you out of nowhere, like a ton of bricks.  It doesn't take much to throw you into a full-blown out of control crying session.  I woke up in the middle of the night last night to use the bathroom.  Came back to bed and laid there for a few minutes.  Started having flashbacks of my mom in the hospital bed, all hooked up, barely breathing, flailing her arms for no reason, moaning.  My eyes started tearing up - it was awful.  I constantly have those flashbacks, many times a day.  I feel at times that she is drifting farther and farther away from me and it makes me terribly sad.  But I know this is all the process and I know she will soon come to me in different forms and I anxiously await that day.  Joseph, many people do not know what to say or do during this time as they are also experiencing the grief of losing that same wonderful person.  We all grieve differently and you have found a bunch of us in the same position as yourself...you can reach out to us 24/7.  Time will heal.  Talk to her as often as you can.  Talk to us. 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 12, 2011 at 11:02pm

Dear Joseph -

Being numb is the normal part of early grief.  But the thing about grief - it doesn't happen in nice, neat stages.  Just when you think you're past a stage, it comes back like a big wave and sweeps you under again.  I have found, speaking for myself, that the best thing is to just go with it and not fight it.  And Donna was so right when she said that this is a great place to let it out; to vent it and find support and nothing but help.  And I have had many days when the pain and hurt and anger and who knows what else has overwhelmed me to the point of calling people to cancel my day, and just stay home and have those meltdowns.  It's exhausting, but a great release.  And just because you haven't seen physical signs of others visiting your Cara doesn't mean that other people are thinking of her - and of you.  So many people just don't know what to say or do, so they say and do nothing.  I don't know which is worse - being left alone, or having people say the "wrong" thing.  I know that for me, and my friends, they all mean well.  My Don was cremated, and his ashes have been scattered all over the place; he's been scattered in the Pacific, in the Atlantic, on the West coast and East coast and places in-between; in Denmark and in Israel. Whenever anyone I know travels I ask them to take some of his ashes to scatter.  We talked about it together before he died, and this was what he wanted.  It's somewhat of a comfort to know he will be all around the world; wherever I go, there he will be. 

I'm sorry; I tend to go on... and on... so I'll stop now, and just know you are not alone, and there are so many of us here who want to help and support each other.  Hang in there.

Comment by Joseph Weston on July 12, 2011 at 9:24pm

It was only Friday that we laid Cara to rest. I've visited her twice to give her flowers (I tried to do so once a week when we were together). I see no signs of other visitors. That's ok. I'm numb, but the pain comes thru. I see her everywhere, in everything. I won't be able to write more than little bits at a time for a while. I choke, and the pain overwhelms me.

Comment by Donna Schlatter on July 12, 2011 at 8:57pm

Joseph, this is where we come to vent, show our anger, mourn our sorrow, find new friends.  I am so terribly, terribly sorry for your loss.  I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.  I will promise you this though...talking about it, writing about it, letting it all out really, REALLY helps.  I was skeptical at first, thinking it would just be something I do for a few days and that's it.  And while I am a busy mom of two boys and work full time, I find myself always coming back when I have even a spare second.  I want to listen to other people and offer words of encouragement.  I know it's not easy; I lost my mom to MDS blood cancer in a matter of DAYS.  My best friend, my mentor.  It's an awful, disgusting disease.  But my friend Jeanne, right here on this forum, made a great point about not letting cancer beat us. I admitted that I am angry at cancer, so so angry, but Jeanne told me that I should NOT let it do that to me again.  And she's right (sorry Jeanne I haven't written back yet).  We have to fight, we have to move on....we only get one life.  Make sure you grieve, make sure you surround yourself with positive people and make sure you talk about it.  Get it off your chest.  God bless you.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 12, 2011 at 7:44pm

Dear Joseph -

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You lost your love before you even had a chance to really begin a life together from the sounds of it.  It is always too fast; no matter how much time there may be before the actual loss, it's too fast, too soon, and I don't know if anyone is ever really ready.  I lost my husband to rectal cancer that metastasized in November last year, and once we found it had spread, it went really fast - one week from the bone marrow biopsy to his death.  I was thinking about it today, and I think that for the 10 and 1/2 months that he lived following his diagnosis, we both just expected he would win this fight.  I wonder now how much of that was stubborn optimism, or how much was denial and just me refusing to accept the possibility that he would die.  He had a way about him that I can only describe as grace when it came to dealing with having cancer.   He never expressed anger, or grief, or cried - he was just being him; he was very matter of fact about the whole thing, and his biggest concern was for me and my wellbeing; if I would have enough money to take care of me, and whatever would be easiest on me.  The decision for him to come home for his last (what turned out to be) few days he asked me to make - if it had been easier on me for him to go into the hospital, he would have; if I wanted him home with hospice, it was up to me.  And I wanted him home, where our family and friends could be with us and with him 24/7.  

He also had Crohn's Disease and I always knew his body would wear out before mine; I had talked about losing him in therapy and what would I do when that happened, but it was in the distant future, and I could talk about it without having to truly acknowledge it.  So when he was diagnosed, after his surgery, the surgeon said  the tumor hadn't spread, but he couldn't get it all out - but they took 17 lymph nodes out and they were all clear, so we were very positive.  So maybe your Cara and my Don are meeting somewhere now, and talking to each other about their lives with us.  Wherever my Don is, I know he's at peace and out of pain, and he lived with pain for so many, many years with his Crohn's disease, before the cancer, I'm just so glad he's out of pain.  But I still hate that it was the cancer that took him, and he was only 57, and I hate that he's not here with me now to hold me at night, to put his arms around me, to share my tears and my laughter, to enjoy all the things we enjoyed together. He was my soul mate.

Our younger daughter is getting married in September and it will be bittersweet without her dad to walk her down the aisle; but she's asked me to do that instead.  And our older one just had her second little boy; he'll never know his grandfather, even though he carries his name as his middle name.  And I know my daughter will tell him about his granddad when he is old enough. 

Again, I'm so sorry you lost the woman you loved and planned to spend your life with.  This grief thing is a process; it happens at in it's own time and at it's own speed.  Be patient with yourself, and most of all, be kind to yourself. And hang in there.  If you allow yourself to process your feelings, and let them out, it does get a little bit better, bit by bit. 

Comment by Joseph Weston on July 12, 2011 at 5:50pm

So this is it. Facing life without my fiancee. Empty house, empty hope, lost dreams, few friends. My Beloved Cara was my world. Pancreatic cancer took her to the Lord, where at least I know she's in paradise, without pain, without worry, without me.

 

It happened too fast, and I have many regrets.

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