Comment

Comment by Donna Schlatter on August 18, 2011 at 5:51am

Hi everyone..been so busy getting one son to college and the other to high school....I have thrown myself into my job full force and while it helps me forget, it's also started to get to be too much.  So I came back this morning to the one place that completely understands me!  Cynthia, tomorrow will be 4 months that my mother passed away.  I find it hard to believe that this will EVER get easier. I am surrounded by friends and family but part of my heart has been taken away and it's just too overwhelming sometimes.  Thank God I still have my father and brother but unfortunately it's been a pretty dysfunctional family (on their part) and there really is no communication between my brother/father or brother/me.  I am trying terribly hard to be there for my father - paying his bills, handling his investments, etc.  But neither of them EVER call me just to ask how I am feeling or how I am coping.  I am always checking on them and while my father is willing to share emotions to some extent, my brother has become unreachable.  He is not a nice person and I feel has a lot of guilt now that our mother is gone.  So I feel I need time for ME but as a wife and mother and daughter and career woman I just do not take the time to reflect as I should.  And you are all right, some people just do not get the grief if it has never happened to them - I guess that's understandable.  I never fully understood the impact until April 19, 2011.  My husband's father passed away 35 years ago when he was 14 years old.  He had 3 other siblings at the time and his mother was only in her late 30s.  She did not know how to deal with this (understandably) and the kids never really dealt with their father's death properly.  I see now, 35 years later, how it has affected my husband in many ways.  He is having a hard time dealing with my emotions and he has a hard time with his own sons, not knowing at times how to react or "how" to be the father he wants to be.  Everything has a ripple effect, therefore, it's very important to let your feelings out, take all the advice you can, cry when you want and pray hard.  Hope you all have a great day..XO

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 17, 2011 at 10:20pm

Hello.  Lately I've been having several down days, and then a few up ones.  It's been a little over 9 months since my husband died from rectal cancer, and I gave myself permission to just let my feelings out, no matter where I am or who is there.  If people have a problem with that, it's their problem, not mine.  One of my brother's always sounds disappointed in me if I'm having a bad day when he calls; he was in town with his wife a few weeks ago and the three of us went out for dinner.  I had been having a "good" period and he remarked how well I was doing and he was proud of me and how I was taking good care of myself.  That's always nice to hear, but I also need people to be able to hear the "bad days" when I have them, and understand and not judge. My friends can do that; my mom has been my rock - she never tries to make it better, she understands, and she misses my husband, too. I decided that if I'm having a bad day, I don't try to hide it.  Sometimes I feel like I'm moving on too quickly; I'm trying to sell the house and I've donated most of his clothing; I don't regret that - I felt ready.  I don't have "meltdowns" anymore, but I get teary and sad a lot more lately; I feel lonely a lot - lonely to know I won't feel Don's arms around me, or mine around him; lonely that I can't give him a kiss just because I want to, or he isn't there to comfort me and hold me and kiss me.  So it's been harder lately.  I have good friends who are there for me, and sometimes they try to give me "advice" when that's the last thing I want or need - especially from someone who hasn't been where I am.  The loneliness is the worst part of it all.  So when I think about selling the house, and relocating, does it really matter if I go somewhere that I don't know anyone?  Alone is alone.  The only difference is that here I can call someone to talk to, but I can do that from anywhere; here I can see someone I know; somewhere away from here I can't do that.  I feel at a crossroads, and I wonder what Don would want me to do right now.  And I know he would just want me to be happy, no matter what it takes.

Don did a good job with our investments, and if I'm careful I don't have to worry about money - but that's if I'm careful!  I'm not very good at being careful with money but I'm learning.  I have fibromyalgia, inflammatory arthritis which causes extreme fatigue and pain, and that makes it very hard to work; fortunately, I don't have to worry about working - but I've been thinking I should find a regular job; today I decided I'm not going to keep applying for jobs that I probably won't get anyway, or that I don't have the energy for.  It felt good to make that decision.  I need to downsize and move to a state with my money will go further.  That's what Don would want me to do - make smart decisions, and take care of myself.  I miss him so very much. 

Comment by anna l. on August 17, 2011 at 10:19pm

I think the worst thing anyone has said to me was a week after my husband died and I had been crying pretty much non stop.  We had a meeting at the house to plan the memorial service.  A lot of the decisions I defered to my kids and Toms close friends.  I didnt care about anything really.  I pretty much cried through the whole thing.  Well, a close friend, lay pastor, mentor, took me aside and suggested I needed to go to a doctor and get something to calm me down.  She wanted me to promise to go.  Then she took my daughter and son aside and told them to make sure I went.  How dumb is that.  I didnt need drugs, I needed the past 2 months to have not happened.  I needed my healthy happy husband alive and for none of this to have happened needing me to plan his service.  I needed to not have spent a month caring for him 24/7 and watching him get sicker every day with nothing I could do to help him.  I needed to not have had to hold him down while nurses and doctors gave him sedatives because he no longer knew who I was and thought he was in some horrible place being tortured.  I knew I had every right to every single tear I shed that night.  One day I will talk to her about what she did so she doesnt ever do that to anyone ever again.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on August 17, 2011 at 9:14pm

You are so right Michael. Some people cannot deal with the grieving and when I talk about my husband sometimes, some look like they are uncomfortable. My close friends and my family are fine and all loved my husband and understand. I think most people just don't know what to say after a while. Monday was two years since I took my husband to the hospital and found out he had a brain tumor. It was a really hard day and I did a lot of crying in the car. I try to hide it from people that would not know what to say, but it comes out and it is good. I posted something on facebook on Monday about if you have lost someone to cancer or know someone fighting it to repost this. I did and I added the part about the 2 year thing and how much I miss him. My close friends all wrote something and said some memory about Harry. The others and I do consider them friends were silent and that is ok. Everyone is different. I find I talk about Harry a lot and I am good with that, but some others again don't know what to say. It is a crazy place we are all in and I believe whatever it takes to get yourself through it is ok and the hell with anyone else.

Comment by michael sandoval on August 17, 2011 at 8:40pm

Sometimes you have to tell someone, "you know, I miss my Mom/brother/son/husband and I'm not over it yet. I'm still grieving.". If they cannot understand, oh well. You say that's the way it is. It is not a switch that I can just turn off.

Comment by michael sandoval on August 17, 2011 at 8:35pm

Dear Natalie,
I talk about frequently with my therapist. Friends and family cannot always understand. I lost my fiancée after a short four month battle with colon cancer. No one I know has experienced that. I watched as she got worse and felt totally helpless and worthless. After she passed my life fell apart. It will be two years next month and today I cried really hard and had what my therapist calls a "post traumatic stress disorder flashback. We all grieve in our own way. I reccommend a good therapist you can talk to without feeling anything but better. No shame no guilt no negative feelings, someone who understands.

With love
mike

Comment by Arielle on August 17, 2011 at 8:27pm

Hi Natalie-
I know how you feel. People are generally uncomfortable around the subject of death. And especially if theyve never experienced the loss of someone so close. I think you cannot wrap your head around this kind of loss until it happens in your own life.
After my brother passed, I just knew I had to give myself a break and not let anybody else dictate to me what my grieving process was going to be like. This is a time when you should be completely selfish. You have to take care of yourself, whatever that may mean. Sometimes it will be spending a lot of time alone. Sometimes it will mean needing a close friend to listen to you tell the story again just because you need to get it out. Jut be honest with yourself and the people around you. And accept that most people have no clue what it's like to experience this type of loss.
Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Comment by Natalie Westby on August 17, 2011 at 8:13pm

Hey Everyone,
Thanks so much for your kind words and support. Lemme ask you guys a question. When it comes to your loss, do you feel that sometimes people are getting frustrated with you? Does it feel like you're not "getting over it" quickly enough? I don't know if its just me, but lately I've been feeling that way. I work in a really high pressure, fast paced job, and it feels like folks are like, "So you're mom died. Awww, that's too bad. Anyways...."
I wouldn't treat people this way, so I have to wonder, why are some people so insensitive.
Natalie

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on August 13, 2011 at 9:20pm

natalie, rest assured, your mom is at peace, as is my mom....she really is....im glad you can relax now, its so hard, i went through that whole grieving process, but im ok now....its not as painful anymore.....and you can talk to her, maybe not physically, but i still talk to my mom, but i understand....hang in there.....i believe she is in a beautiful place, im sure that she is....i know there is a heaven, i just know it, when my mom passed, i knew thats exactly where she was going....it was very peaceful....peace to you hun

 

Comment by Natalie Westby on August 13, 2011 at 8:55pm

Hi,

   Since my mom died in May of this year, its been really difficult dealing with the loss.  However, I feel as though I'm making progress, the pain is still pretty fresh.  When I wen to her house today, all the memories came flooding back, but it wasn't as better as it has been in the past.  For the first time since she died , I was finally able to really relax and enjoy being around my family. 

   Death is so final. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just talk with her again, you know?  I hope and pray that she's in a better place.  I really hope that there's a heaven, because she deserves to be in beautiful place.  She deserved to be at peace and free of pain.

 

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 159
• 160
• 161
• 162
• 163
• …
• 209
• Next ›
• Page