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Comment by anna l. on January 9, 2012 at 4:59pm

Cynthia you are right that noone, NOONE, has the right to tell you you are not grieving the right way!!  How could your brother let that come between you and he?  I have decided it just plain sucks to grow up and older because it means our loved ones get older as well.  I wish with every breath that I could go back in time instead of forward but that is not an option except in my dreams.  I send you hugs as you face what lies ahead for you and your family.  Hopefully things settle down and you can enjoy the time you do have with your mom and dad and brothers. 

Comment by Donna Haas on January 9, 2012 at 2:44pm

HI im new here...I lost my wife 3mos ago to breast cancer and my mom 2yrs ago to lung cancer..it was all happening at once...it has been the most horrible time of my life...I have never felt so much grief in my life...I cant function...I miss her sooo much sometimes its hard to breath!!

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on January 9, 2012 at 12:12pm

Dear Barbara and others -

It took me a while to clean out Don's things from the closet, too.  I kept several items - his flannel shirts, sweat shirts, ties, some socks... things like that which I wear, and my daughter's each took a shirt.  

I know what you mean Barbara by how people say if you need anything or need to talk, just call, but it is amazing how quickly that passes.  I, too, am blessed with good neighbors who had me over for Thanksgiving this past year.  

Our lives seem to stop when our loved one dies; all loss is hard and the feelings are very individual to the person, so I won't say "especially when the loss is... a spouse, parent, sibling, etc."  But people get back on with their lives.  I have a friend, whom I consider a good friend who keeps saying "we want to have you over for dinner soon...." but the invitation doesn't seem to come!  She and I meet for lunch or coffee from time to time, and I know she's busy, but it's hard and it gets very lonely.  Sometimes it's so lonely I just don't seem to be able to muster the energy to  out looking for company!  

However I adopted a dog last week.   She's about 4 years old, very sweet and  just what a I need - she love to cuddle.  

I'm also dealing with my dad being in failing health (he's 96) from congestive heart failure) and my mom (86) was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's. To make it worse, my sister in law decided to pick a fight with me, and my brother who was the one who helped the most during Don's illness and coping with his death is one who is married to her and now he won't talk to me. My sister in law had the nerve, yes, the nerve, to tell me that I'm not grieving the way I should be, in so many words.  I don't care who you are, you don't get to tell me how to grieve or not grieve until you are walking in my shoes and sitting in my seat.  I couldn't believe it.  My mom's diagnosis and my father's illness have opened up so many wounds around loss; losing Don a year ago in November, losing his father two weeks later, watching my own parents decline pretty fast, and now my brother not talking to me. It's been very hard.  But, I'm trying to deal with it, I have a wonderful therapist, and I've been able to get some new insights about myself.  My daughter is here visiting from NY this week and next - to see her grandparents while she still can, basically.  I really think my dad is ready to let go and pass on; he's refusing medication and is in early pulmonary edema.  My mom is exhausted from the stress, and also dealing with her diagnosis; feeling the loss of control as two of my brother's have taken over their financial affairs and really are just trying to make things as easy as possible for my mom, but she feels they are taking away her control, and my father, a retired medical doctor feels totally out of control because he's confined to a wheel chair and totally dependent on nurses to help him do absolutely everything.  It's so frustrating for him, and it's hard to see him like this.  He's so miserable, nothing will cheer him.  

I'm sorry - this may not be the right forum for this, but I feel like I know so many of you after posting on this wall for a year now!  

Thank you.

Comment by Barbara Sutton on January 8, 2012 at 10:51pm

Laura, yes, God bless my neighbors, they are the best. I have a pendent around my neck with Jim's ashes, and another chain with his wedding ring he had given me to wear while he was in the hospital. I offered it back after a procedure he had done but he said no, you keep it. These two things I think are what I have that is most important. I still have our other home to contend with. I started to bag up his socks up there during my christmas vacation and my daughter threw a fit and said mom, I still wear those! HA-even when Jim was alive she would steal his sock or shirts. I recall when she first took one of his shirts he was so mad. I explained to him that when her father and I were still married, she used to wear his stuff all the time when she was little. I told him that I think she felt comfortable and close to him and it was her way of "loving" him. From that day on he would only smile when he'd catch her in his shirt. God I miss him.

 

 

 

 

Comment by Laura Salefski on January 8, 2012 at 10:37pm

Barbara, God bless yOur neighbor. I know how hard it is to part with his things. I still have not gotten rid of all of Jons. My daughter asked if her husband could have his jeans. I screamed NO, they ARE Jon's. I know it sounds crazy, but I am afraid if I part with all if his belongings it will be like erasing his life. I just can't do that.

Comment by Barbara Sutton on January 8, 2012 at 9:53pm

Today I cleaned out Jim's side of the closet. There are still some things I will not part with but for the most it is dwindled. My neighbor across the street watched as I loaded it in the trunk of my car. I then worked out front weeding and taking out all of the dead flowers in the bed. When the neigbor noticed I was not out front, she called and invited me to dinner, knowing how hard I worked and what I had done with the clothes. She met me with a hug and her family and I enjoyed dinner. Lots of big changes in my house this year...I don't know how much longer I can stay here. It was just beginning to feel like home before Jim died and now I am a lost sheep. Still so many decisions to make and I do not have the confidence or energy to make them. I just seem to be living day by day with my mouth shut and my tears held so that no one notices I'm still so lonesome and devistated over the loss of my love.

Comment by sara kephart on January 6, 2012 at 11:31am

I HATE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!I SHOULDNT HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT MY DAD

Comment by anna l. on January 3, 2012 at 4:41pm

Hi Sandra and Cari.  Im glad you found this supportive site where you can say anything or nothing and someone will understand.  Two months is such a short time.  I was just barely getting out of bed at the end of two months.  It has been 6 months since my husband died, and almost 2 years since my grown son died.  It did get worse for awhile because Im sure I was in shock for the first 2 months and then when the full reality that they were gone began to get absorbed it hurt so bad.  I can say now it isnt getting worse any longer thank heavens.  The holidays were hard, but more because I felt I had to keep it together so my grandkids would have a normal Nana around them, but Im glad they have gone home now and I dont have to make such an effort to pretend to be ok.  That is exhausting.

Comment by Sandra Nichols on January 3, 2012 at 4:05pm

Hi, my mom died from uterine/cervical cancer therapy. She was my best friend and I lived with her for the last 8 years. The doctors didn't think it was important that she be tested for cervical cancer at her age. I go through lots of angry and lonely spells - it happened Thanksgiving last year. I only want to talk to others who have had losses. I don't think the "others" really understand anything I am going through even though I know they mean well. The days are getting harder for me - i've read that it gets worse before getting better - hopefully in a couple of years some of us will feel better - it's just the time span  i've read about for grieving. the only reason i want to go on is because my dog depends on me - and my sister wants me here.  

Comment by Cari Combs on January 3, 2012 at 2:08pm

Hello All, this is my first time writing. Tomorrow will mark 2 months since my dad lost his battle with small cell lung cancer. He was diagnosed September 25th and he deteriorated from there. The holidays have been hard, actually everyday is hard as in my mind I keep replaying the day he passed. Everyone tells me it will get better with time, I know 2 months is not long but it still hurts like it was yesterday. I want to just lay in bed forever, but I know my dad would not want that. Reading the experience of others has helped, and I know life must go on, but why is it so hard? Happy new year to everyone! May 2012 bring better times. 

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