Comment

Comment by G. on February 20, 2012 at 9:00am

Rita I've been told get over it as well and everyone knows that it takes different amounts of time for each individual...I think they just don't want to hear about it and that is sad...that's why we have to turn to these forums. I can't imagine telling a child about The death of their grandpa :( that would be so hard but I think if you can't do it yet then maybe someone you trust should do it before they hear it from someone. You take your time and ignore anyone that tells you different. Your father loved you and he is alive In you and in your Daughter and with you always...I know exactly the feeling of missing my heart. I was getting so bad that I just recently got a puppy...she's a wonderful ball of life that has begun to heal me in ways nothing else has worked so far. When I get up in the morning instead of thinking right away of my losses...I see a beautiful happy face full of life and it turns the light on for me. I hope you can find a way to help you find your heart. Your dad is with you...just believe that.

Comment by rita on February 20, 2012 at 8:42am

I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer on Nov.18 2011. I feel like someone came and took out my heart and cut it up and OK now you can continue your life, but how can you continue your life without a heart? I still cry every day I will not let anyone go in his room and touch a thing. I have a four year old and she thinks that her papa (my dad) is still at the hospital. my family tells me I need to get over it but I just can't

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on February 15, 2012 at 10:53am

Laura - I wouldn't call it a can of worms; just another topic for discussion and apparently one that many people feel strongly about.  It's all just grist for the mill, isn't is?  

Comment by Ron on February 15, 2012 at 8:57am

DITTO

Comment by Laura Salefski on February 15, 2012 at 8:39am

I guess I opened a big can of worms when I commented on my frustration with dating sites sending me unwanted date info. Sorry guys for getting feathers ruffled.

Comment by Lori B. on February 15, 2012 at 7:54am

I agree, it's not anothers place to judge our grieving process.  I will say, loosing a spouse to cancer, you're never "ready" to say good bye, but at least we had the chance to say it, both of us, in our own ways.  I Hated to watch the cancer take my husband a little more each day, but it the end it was just a week that he wasn't "himself".  Until them we could talk and smile and sleep in the same bed each night...the last week was hard, but in a way it was easier then the 18 months leading up to it.  "barring a miracle" the doctors said he would die from the cancer.  This was on that day we stoped treatment and we went on to have 6 weeks of the most precious time I have spent on earth.  I know there has to be a differance between a sudden unexpected phone call and having the knowledge that your time together is, in fact, short.  We used that time on each other and our family, we invited our families amd closest friends to join and participate in those last weeks, we got affairs in order and grieved together.  My husband and I grieved together, before he died, and we loved each other that much more.  I tell peole that those weeks were both the hardest and sweetest weeks of my life.  Grief is such a personal journey, we all travel it differantly, some people can't bare to be alone while others remarry very soon...there is NO right and wrong, it's a personal journey.  I loved my husband with all of my heart, i miss him everyday, every minute I miss him, but I am looking to the future, and taing all the godness and love we had into life.  I can't imagine being "alone" as life goes on. He was an amazing man and an amazing husband, I want that again...HE and the wonderful way he loved me leaves me wanting that again.  When? I have NO idea, but I think that being open to it is a good thing.  Todd will always be a huge piece of who I am, anyone who shares my life in the future will understand and respect that, and of course he'l have to love me...and I him.   I'm not ready right this minute, but i sure plan to stay open to the possibilities.   It's hard to think that others may be watching in order to judge.  I could not have loved my husband more..i loved him with all that I am, and the love we had leaves me hopeful for the future.  Be kind to people who are grieving.  It's an intensely personal journey, and it has NO rules.

 

Comment by anna l. on February 14, 2012 at 8:49pm

Ron, Im sure you didnt mean anything by what you said.  We are grieving and at times say and do things that are not always nice.  I think we all have been told things like: You have to get over it.  Or, You had 30 years, you should feel lucky.  etc.  No one should ever assume to tell another person how they should be grieving.  We each have our own circumstances, and we all have to find our own way to live each day.  And the goal has to be to Live Each Day! even when we dont want to.  I dont want to be in a relationship again, but I know I might not feel that way on another day.  It would be a shame to shut ourselves off from life and love and if we do what really is the point in going on? 

Comment by Barbara Sutton on February 14, 2012 at 7:47pm

The problem with writing our thoughts is that we tend to possibly read more in to them that there is. I hope that Ron's comment was intended as a positive not a negative. I read it 3 or 4 times and then re-thought it out.

I too miss the touch and the kisses and the simple words that my hunny had for me, and I am not quite in to a full year of him being gone. I go through the fear of being alone the rest of my life intamently, then I flop back to what for? I am so exhausted from my 2 months of watching my hunny die that I don't see the point of going through it again, or the possiblity of putting a partner through that if I go first. It is just devistating. So for now, I will enjoy my daughter and 1 year old grandson and my 2 dogs and just try to find strength that this will be enough to hold my passion that was lost. I am still so raw. When I divorced at the age of 34 I did not think I would ever be loved and I was so wrong, and I do not regret my falling in love again, I am thankful. Thankful that I found a man who was faithful and carried the same morals and values as I did, but to do it again...today I say no. This day of Valentine has taken its toll on me as well and I am hurting as though I lost him today. It's rough..and I try to remember that this too shall pass, and try to remember that my grief is not over and it is okay. Bless you all for who you are and warm hugs to all.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on February 14, 2012 at 4:50pm

I can understand wanting to have what you had with your spouse again.  I miss that intimacy and being held and holding and touching and kissing and most of all the emotional intimacy of being with someone who knew me better than anyone else; someone who loved me no matter what.  Some of us will find it again, some of us won't; some of us will actively look for it; some of us won't and it'll maybe just find us.... personally, I simply cannot imagine myself being with anyone else in that way.  I'm not ready to think about being with anyone else.  But for those of us who are, that's okay.  As Jeanne said, we all grieve in our way and at our own pace.  Grief just does what it needs to do.  I find it interesting that Michael made the comment he did about it sounding like some people are no longer grieving and should find a dating sight; Statistically, men who were in a good marriage are much more likely to remarry after being widowed than are women who were in a good marriage; women tend to stay single by choice after losing their husband.  It's just statistics; what matters is the individual and how he or she decides on his or her own life.  

I like to think there is no judgment here, only love and support to help heal this terrible pain we all deal with.  

Comment by michael sandoval on February 14, 2012 at 3:22pm

I would never tell anyone how to grieve.  I still cry to this day.  my life will never be the same, no matter how well i may appear to others.

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