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Comment by Philip B. on February 23, 2012 at 6:59pm

Thank you, Michael.  I have considered therapy and meds but thought I'd start here to get a feel for what people are going through.   My condolences, as well, for your loss.

Comment by Philip B. on February 23, 2012 at 6:58pm

Thank you, Cynthia.   I like your responses to "the question".   I will remember that!

As for the phone, everyone I care about calls my mobile.    I just disconnected his phone and the house phone.  No more calls.

Thanks for being there.

Comment by michael sandoval on February 23, 2012 at 6:28pm

Dear Philip,

My Condolences.  My Denise passed from colon cancer in 2009 and I am still grieving very hard.  I have good days and bad ones.  mostly bad ones.  but it has gotten better.  Therapy has helped me the most.  and medication.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on February 23, 2012 at 6:03pm

Dear Philip -

I agree; this is a crappy way to meet people.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband had rectal cancer, and Crohn's disease.  I think after all the years of Crohn's, (Inflammatory bowel disease), his body was so worn out even with the radiation and chemo, he couldn't fight anymore.  He, too, got weaker and weaker, and his organs just gave up.  

Even tho it's been over a year now since I lost him, people still ask me how I'm doing, and I'm honest - I always have been.  I say okay, if I'm okay, or it's really hard, or sometimes I just say "it sucks."  Sometimes I just say, "how much time do you have?"  The worst thing is when I still get phone calls with solicitors asking for him by name.  I just say "he's deceased."  That usually takes care of them; but I still get those calls.  Again, I'm so sorry.  You can visit here and say anything you want to or need to, any time, and what I love is that there is no judgment.  And you are not alone. 

Comment by Philip B. on February 23, 2012 at 5:50pm

This is my first post on the site.  Hello everyone.   This is a pretty crappy way to meet people!

I lost my partner to colon cancer on December 9, 2011.   We had 21 years together.   Some really good times and some really bad times, but we loved each other immensely.

I have good days where I can fully function.  Then, there are the weekends where I find myself alone with our three dogs and I become almost inconsolable.  

I realize "it" will never get better but "it" will get to be different.  His family and my family have, for the most part, been so incredibly supportive.

  

I'm becoming something of a liar when people ask me the dreaded "how are you doing"?    I just say I have good days and bad days.   Today is ok.    If I told them the depth of my sadness every time someone asked me that, I know they'd stop asking.

There are good friends with whom I can be honest.  They have come to visit me and check up on me tirelessly.   For them, I am very grateful.

The grieving process started while he was still alive.   Every week there was yet another thing he could no longer do.   We loved to go out for breakfast on the weekends, but he got to where he couldn't eat much of anything that he liked.  We would go shopping to Costco or wherever, but it got to the point where he either had to sit in the car because he didn't feel well, or we had to pick a store that had motorized scooters on which he could ride.  Little by little by little, our life together started to change and die.  

The anger that I feel toward cancer and the hand that I've been dealt is sometimes overwhelming.   It's anger mixed with grief - not a good combination for anyone's day.  

My only comfort is that he's no longer in pain.   He doesn't have to endure any more chemo.   He doesn't have to take any more pills or have any more transfusions.  

Thanks for setting up this group.   I'm glad I found you.

 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on February 23, 2012 at 5:24pm

Dear Terry - 

I understand how hard this is.  I lost my husband - my reason for living - Nov. 12, 2010.  I lost his dad two weeks later, and lost my own dad last month.  There were days after my husband died I would just have major meltdowns and stay home and cry all day, wondering if I had the strength to end my own life, but I have two daughters and I couldn't do that to them; they are grown up, but they have lost one parent, and I won't be the cause of them losing another.  But there have been those days when all I wanted to do was die, and the pain I felt was so unbearable; that deep hurt inside that nothing could touch; I just had to get through it.  We don't get over this kind of loss; we get through it.  And yes, its hard and it hurts and all I can do is say, cry.  Cry whenever it hits you that you need to.  Get angry; yell, scream, hit something, but don't stuff the feelings down; if you do, you'll never get to where you need to get to.  What would your dad want you to do?  One day I was looking at my husbands picture and realized he would have told me "I'm gone, and I can't come back.  You can't change that, and you should be wasting any energy stressing over it.  Don't stress about something you have no control over."  And I swear, I felt something heavy lift.  That was my process; we all have our own.  If you are finding you can't sleep, but you can't get out of bed, I would say, find a really good therapist who can listen, guide you, validate you and pretty much just be there for you at this stage.  You don't need anyone telling you that you "should" or you "must" or you "will feel....".  People who haven't lost someone they love like those of us here don't know.  One of my sisters in law recently told me "you're not going to get past Don's death until you get angry and take him off the pedestal you've put him on...."  How dare she!  She has no idea of my loss, of my process or what it is like to lose your partner in life.  I do know what it is like to lose your dad; and I'm so very sorry he had to suffer.  My mom also has Alzheimer's, but it's very early and she's still living in their home.  But that's another story.  I would urge you, as hard as it is, to will yourself to get out of bed one day, for as long as it takes to make an appointment with a therapist.  Then go back to bed if you want and stay there until your appointment!  But don't miss that appointment.  The first one is the hardest.  I don't know where you live, but most communities have low-fee therapy available if you can't afford to pay, or if you don't have insurance.  Or find a support group.  There are Wellness Communities all over the place that have support groups for people who lost someone to cancer. 

Hang in there; know you are not alone.  

Comment by Terry on February 23, 2012 at 4:12pm

I lost my dad to cancer on Nov. 10, 2011. My father was 88. My father was so healthy all his life, he retired with 11 mos. sick leave saved up. In 2009, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, chemo, radiation (no side effects except for fatigue and a tinny bit of haor loss) the cancer went into remission. Then he was diagnosed early last year with a tumor in the tube connecting the bladder/kidney, to keep the tumor from spreaing, they removed a kidney. Within 4 weeks he was out and driving, going places. At this time he was also diagnosed with prostate cancer and multiple myeloma. The latter was depleting his energy, and he needed blood transfusions every 6-8 weeks. The week before he dies, he was still active, but went into the hopsital with pneumonia, his kidney was shutting down, bleeding internally from the recurrence of esophageal cancer, he desiced no more treatment, he was ready to leave us. He visited his wife, my mom, who is in a nursing home with alzheimers, he told her goodbye before he went to hospice, she was totally unaware. He passed away 3 days later, that was Nov. 10. I have pretty much been in bed ever since. Not working, Ive gained 20 lbs, went from sleeping 12+ hours off and on day and night, to now restless sleep, no more than 4 or 5 hours. Please help me.

Comment by mercy on February 21, 2012 at 11:21am

Rita, I feel the same way. The grieving started for me while mom was still on earth. I don't feel like I have a soul anymore, just a body walking through this earth. Many people seem to have moved on but I just cannot move on and leave mom behind. My daughter is the only light in my life; sometimes when I feel like I cannot go on; she'll say something out of the blue that just stops me in my tracks. She's 28 months old but she was able to articulate my grief at a much younger age. I've been grieving since June 2010 when my favorite brother died suddenly at age 43. My daughter is always telling me momma, you're my best friend. When I hear her say that, I feel that I have to go on, I don't want to take away her "best friend" We are in this together Rita, many people say its gets a little easier to live with the pain as time goes by. 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on February 20, 2012 at 3:48pm

Rita -

I'm sorry about your dad.  My husband died Nov. 12, 2010; almost a year before your dad.  My dad died last month, but not from cancer.  Yes, people will tell you to get over it - but it's so soon since you lost your dad!  It takes time as you know.  Your 4 year old is really too young to understand the permanence of death; let her believe whatever works for both of you for now.  I have a 4 year old grandson who was not quite 3 when my husband died.  He know's Grandpa isn't with us anymore, and honestly I don't know if he remembers him by anymore than seeing his picture on the walls a lot, but my daughter did tell him that Grandpa can't be with us anymore.  But whatever you do please don't tell her he went to sleep, or he's sleeping - that could lead to her having sleep problems later.... in any case, I'm so sorry.  On of my sisters in law (I have 3) recently told me that I'm not grieving "right;" that I need to get angry and take my husband off of the pedestal I put him on.  Well, to  make it shorter, I'm not talking to her now. She has no idea what it is like to lose a spouse, she has no idea what my process of grieving has been, and my husband deserved to be on a pedestal - I only wish I'd done that more when he was alive.  But he knew how much I loved him, and that is enough for me.  

So you just take your time, cry as much as you need to, scream, yell - whatever helps, and if other people have a problem with that, it's their problem, not yours.  

Comment by michael sandoval on February 20, 2012 at 1:23pm

Denise prayed for me too.  

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