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Comment by anna l. on April 1, 2012 at 4:32pm

Mark three months is just a blink in time.  Your friend must be one of the lucky ones who has never had someone they loved more than their own life die.  One day they are here the next, just gone.  It is not like divorce where even if you are so angry with them you never want to see them again you know they are still out there somewhere breathing, and you still have the chance of seeing them again.  Death steals that.  Divorce might be a mutual decision, death never is. 

You need to give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling and make no excuses for it.  It is the only way you will make it. 

Comment by Laura Salefski on April 1, 2012 at 3:40pm

Mark, I understand your Pain, as only those of us on this journey can. I lost my mother 40 years ago and it still hurts. Not to the degree it does for you, but my God what is wrong with people.

My husband of 25 years died 15 months ago to metastatic melanoma. I hear ALL the time "it's time to move forward". How can one believe I can forget about a love that lasted 25 years in one shirt year. Grieve the way YOU need to grieve. Keep her things as long as you need them. Jons are still hear, I am not ready to "throw" him away, just as you are not ready. Sending you "big hugs" as my grandson would say.

Laura

Comment by Mark on April 1, 2012 at 3:08pm

She actually just asked me....Whats Wrong?  Are people really this insensitive and selfish or am I just personally surrounded by idiots? 

It's been just a little over 3 months since mom passed from Pancreatic Cancer.  We were champions when it came to performing for the public when some would ocassionally stop by to watch.  Privately it was literal hell.   From the moment my mother expelled her last breath I've been treated as if I was suddenly suppose to jump with glee and be excited about life.  I took care of this precious woman my entire life.  Cancer was the final Coupe Detat against a life filled full of physical challenges.  The enormity of this loss has been a daily shock for me but again through that life of daily struggles I learned quickly how to put on a good face for the public.

 

When I'm alone in my own home I release the pain.   Some days it's very intense.  I have no family left. They are all gone and the close relationship we shared was equal to one person using the same breath.  I was her arms and legs my entire life.  People don't get that because it's a very unique life.  They only understand what they've lived.  I've seen and done things that grown adults couldn't handle if it were just suddenly thrust on them.  It requires handing over your own life to someone else and never looking back and going withtout.  If you are born into it, it's all you know.  If it's handed to you later in life I'm not sure many would want to take the journey once the novelty would wear off.  Like I said unless you live it there's no way to understand the journey. 

Unfortunately yesterday someone knocked on the door while I was having a moment to myself.  I'd heard that song by Carole King "now and forever" and basically lost it. It's my right to grieve and my private moment was none of her business.  So I answer the door and this friend looked at me in complete confusion and disgust while I was blowing my nose and wiping my eye's and asked very rudely ... Whats wrong with you?  I looked at her wondering whats wrong with her?  Did she need felt people to put it together?  My God it's only been 3 months.  I haven't even removed the ramp to the front door because my entire life thats all I've known.  One of her wheelchairs is still sitting on the porch.  I'm human for god sakes.  This woman divorced her husband of 20 years and lost it for about a year emotionally.  I envy her emotional rollercoaster over that.  The person I've cared for my entire life ( over 40 years ) just passed away in my arms 3 months ago and she's asking me rudely  WHATS WRONG? and screwing her face up like I've passed gas.  She's not the only one that treats me like this.

 

Comment by mercy on March 29, 2012 at 1:04pm

Michael, am so sorry for your loss, its so apparent that you loved Denise so much, all of us would give anything to attain that kind of love in this life. I know we shall never be the same. My sister just lost her husband who she had been married to for more than 32 years, I can only imagine her heartache. I feel for all of you here and you are always on my mind. God Bless.

Comment by michael sandoval on March 29, 2012 at 12:39pm

I spoke to my therapist about guilt.  She mentioned we feel guilt about surviving, because we feel helpless when our loved one pass away and we cannot help them.  we feel guilty because we couldn't do anything for them and that guilty feeling can remain as guilt for moving on.  Sometimes i cry out loud, "I don't want to move on without my Denise!!"  and  "There is no point in moving on!!"  I miss her so much after 2 and a half years i think i will never stop feeling guilty for moving on and i will be crying for the rest of my life.

Comment by anna l. on March 28, 2012 at 4:52pm

Joni, I hate the roller coaster too.  It was a shock the first time I laughed out loud after Tom died.  It hit me like a slap in the face, with guilt, and then huge sorrow.  That was months ago and sometimes I still find myself feeling guilty for feeling even ok.  But we do know, in our hearts, that our loved ones would want us to go on a live a happy life.  They would not want us to feel the guilt.  Now if I could only follow this advice it would be great.  I hope you're right and tomorrow will be better. 

 

Comment by joni on March 28, 2012 at 4:36pm

so sad today .... sometimes not even sure what i feel-allthough i almost felt good the other day and then felt quilty and condemned for feeling good-like how could i possibly feel good when melvin is dead , just dosent seem right-on the rollercoaster of ups and downs, with no way to get off....ugh ...God help me (us) to deal with this pain and sadness....tomorrow will be better....love and hugs to all

Comment by michael sandoval on March 27, 2012 at 8:06pm

Dear Mercy and Meghann,

Well, said.

Comment by mercy on March 27, 2012 at 7:10pm

Meghann am so sorry for your loss and no one should tell you to just get over it, that is so insensitive. There is no time limit for mourning a loved one. I lost my dad in '94 and whenever I hear of someone who died of the same injuries he died of, I still cry. Since then, I've lost two brothers, my mom and just over a week ago, my sisters husband. I feel like am in mourning all the time, and will not apologize for it. This is the one place you can come and you will feel embraced and have all your feelings validated. I don't even talk to my family or friends about my grief anymore, it just feels like they don't get it, I just come here and pour my heart out, I feel understood.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 26, 2012 at 12:22pm

Hi everyone.  I'm hearing so many people here talking about what others say - about you have to let go.  They have no idea what they are talking about it's something people say to avoid their own fear and discomfort.  My soulmate, my heart, my love, my Don died Nov. 12, 2010.  I will NEVER let go.  He will always be in my heart.  I think what's hard for me are the reactions of people when they learn I am a "widow."   Yes, I still have meltdowns occasionally, but nothing like when the loss was "new."  But there's been so much loss in my life since Don died, that each new one just triggers losing him.  So I get more emotional, feel more vulnerable.  I keep thinking - I just can't help it - why won't G-d take me?  I'm ready.  If I didn't have my daughter's and grandsons, I'd probably have found a way to leave this world.  And what's strange for me is that neither Don or I were religious; we didn't hold much of a belief in G-d, but after Don died, and watching him at the end reaching out to something that no one else could see, and then KNOWING he's been here from time to time has really changed my belief system. And now there's apart of me that is afraid if I take my own life, I'll never see him again; that G-d would keep my spirit or soul or whatever there is from being with him in the next life.  

So anyway... it's just weird for me.

And I would agree with those who said you never let go; and when someone tells you that you have to "move on;" "get over it;" "let go;"  I just say, thank you for sharing.  Please don't tell me how to grieve unless you've been here.  No one who hasn't lost the love of their life has any idea what it is like.  

Thank you for letting me ramble.

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