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Comment by Karen Waldrop on June 9, 2012 at 9:12am

Good morning ladies, I was reading your comments and I can relate to what you are saying all too well. I have felt and continue to feel all of what you have expressed. I have just passed the 5 month mark of the loss of my husband and continue to feel the emptiness and loneliness that you mention. I agree that reading therapeutic books and journaling is VERY helpful. Each of these things has helped me tremendously. I also go on walks. It is on these walks that I talk to my husband, God and myself. Often times, I end up crying. I probably look like a fool walking down the street, but I don't care! It is also a time for me to think about what I want for my future and present myself with positive affirmations. 

I also understand the overwhelming loneliness. Sometimes it seems much easier to stay home where it is safe. Even when I am surrounded by friends, I feel out of place and awkward. But I know that I cannot allow myself to hide in my house for the rest of my life. I know that my life is changing and some of that includes changing the way I move in social circles, as much as that hurts. It doesn't mean leaving everyone behind, just adding to what I have. I think you must force yourself to interact.

As far as losing faith, it is easy to want to do that. Please understand, I am not an extremely religious person but I do have some fundamental beliefs. When we have tragedy in our lives, we want to blame someone or something. However, I do believe that God does not give us more than we can handle. I know it sounds strange and cliche' but I believe it. I, as well as my husband and family also prayed for cure, and finally for at least more time, but it was not to be. In the end, I did not wand him to go on living the way he was living. I believe that the answers we seek from God do not come to us immediately. We will not understand why the things that have happened in our lives or to our loved ones have happened right away. Answers will come to us in small life lessons. We may not even realize that they are there, we must be open to them and learn. Most importantly, we must teach these lessons to others. Although it is painful, there is reason for everything and there is great reward for us if we choose to accept the challenge.

Comment by Mary M. on June 9, 2012 at 9:08am

When I used to teach Sunday School, I remember a lesson about prayer.   Basics were that God does answer prayer but not always in the way we want.  Sometimes we do get what we pray for and sometimes God says No or Not at this time.  If we prayed and always got what we asked for we would have nothing to strive towards.  Think of it as if your child was asking you for something, if you always said yes, what would you be teaching your child?  Only God can see the future and knows what is coming ahead, so when he says No or Not at this Time, it's because of this knowledge that we cannot comprehend.  Don't give up on your faith or God, he is that intangible that can help you through this time and give comfort that you think right now will never come.   Think of your friend's son, in order for him to work through his loss and grief he needs to know and see you working through yours.  Always the spirit of your loved one will be with and around you, I truly believe this.  My sister-in-law calls these spirits angels and she tells me that they are all around us .. if we listen and are still we can hear and feel them.   Will continue to pray for you.

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 9, 2012 at 8:48am

Mary it makes a lot of sense.  I too have been journeling.  I write pages and pages every day.  I am angry at her for leaving me too and so angry at GOD.  Actually I am questioning whether there really is a GOD.  In many places in the new testament Jesus says "ask and you shall recieve....."  I asked and asked Jesus to heal her.  I had great faith and hope but NOTHING.  I am losing  my faith.  I wanted to die too and be with her and at times still do but I made her a promise that I would watch over her son.   I walk through the day like a zombie just trying to keep my self busy.  We did everything together and I really don't have many people in my life to do things with and those that I do have their own life and things to do.  I am very lonely and empty inside.  I lost my other half.  I don't know who I am.   Thank you for your prayers and hugs.  

Comment by Mary M. on June 9, 2012 at 8:14am

Kim, for the first two months I was pretty much like you are now.  Not sure what changed exactly, I started reading books on dealing with grief, continue to write a journal to my husband of what's going on in my life, how much I miss him, etc.  The first few weeks were angry entries, I was angry at God, angry at my husband for leaving me alone, angry at the world in general because life was going on and I didn't want to.   But this has helped me to the acceptance stage of grief, I am not sure which stage this is .. but apparently there are 7 stages of grief and I don't think we ever totally stop grieving, but somehow life has a way of moving us forward anyway.  Hugs to you .. sending prayers that you will feel the comfort of knowing that she is in a better place, free of pain and will be there when your time comes waiting for you.  (Sorry I am not good at expressing my thoughts into words .. but hopefully this makes sense.)

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 9, 2012 at 8:00am

Last night I woke up at 4am and the pain of losing her was so great.  I curled up in a ball with her picture and cried and yelled at GOD for an hour.  I pain just gets worse as time goes by

 

Comment by Debbie S on June 8, 2012 at 12:58pm

Anna, according to his doctors the PETscan showed no signs of cancer. That is what is making it harder for me to understand. When we were there the end of Dec they told us he would be dancing at our daughter's (my daughter from preivous marriage) wedding. That is June the 30th. I just don't understand!

 

Comment by anna l. on June 8, 2012 at 12:21am

Debbie, how long was it from when you husband had his first round with cancer to when it showed up again?  My husband had the original spot completely removed in March 2008.

 

Comment by Debbie S on June 7, 2012 at 10:52pm

Anna I'm sorry you had to go through this too. My husband had a PETscan and it came back with no signs of cancer. His main doctor called me when he found out he past away and said it sounded like he had gotten a bad infection in his chest and lungs. We were suppose to go back to the doctors the following week. Its just sad with all they have come up with cures for and shots to prevent illnesses cancer is not one of them!! I am so sorry for everyone on this site that cancer has affected but I'm so thankful I found it.

Comment by anna l. on June 7, 2012 at 10:21pm

Debbie in 2008 my husband had a spot removed from his calf.  It was melanomo and it took 2 operations to get clear margins.  They took the lymph nodes in the groin and biopsied those as well, which were clear.  Catscans came out negative so we were told they got it all and would only do blood work to keep an eye on it.  I pushed hard to have him get a Petscan but nope they wouldnt do it.  Tom had blood work done in January 2011 and it was fine but 4 months later he was in agonizing pain and dying.  It boggles my mind how his doctors let this happen.  What I did learn after he was diagnosed last year was he probably would have died within 3 years of the original cancer with or without treatment since it had spread.  The difference would have been the quality of his life during that time.  With us not knowing the cancer was spreading he was healthy and we lived our lives.  If we had known he would have had multiple surgeries to remove spot after spot after spot.  He would have endured rounds of chemo and radiation making him so sick.  I wish he could have been cured but I will live with his suffering being short rather than long.  It just friggin sucks that he got the stupid cancer in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 7, 2012 at 1:57pm

Debbie,

My best friend/soulmate had cancer and she passed 3 weeks ago

Cancer is a systemic disease.  Just because they told you they got it all doesn't mean they did.  Cancer is sneaky. It hides.   The day my she passed I tried gently rubbing her head b/c she loved that but she shook her head as if to push me away.  The hospice nurse said that she would probably pass in a day or two.  Well once we all left- I went to get her morphine liquid at the pharmacy,   her son and sister went to lay down for a bit-- she passed.  I didn't want her to pass alone and I felt so guilty but I believe now that is the way she wanted to go.  She wanted us all to leave.  This was her journey (passing) and she needed/wanted to do it alone.  It sounds like you husband was the same way.

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