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Comment by Karen Waldrop on June 10, 2012 at 12:40am

I do feel sadness at night, however, I feel more sadness in the morning. I guess it is because when I wake up, I look at his side of the bed and it is still empty. The house is still quiet and it is a reminder of the permanence of his absence. This weighs heavier on me than the night time.

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 9, 2012 at 9:17pm

I feel the same way.  The loneliness is almost unbearable.  The sadness is overwhelming

Comment by Debbie S on June 9, 2012 at 7:58pm

Is it just me or do any of you feel more sad when nighttime comes? Its like I feel a wave of dread and more alone at night.

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 9, 2012 at 4:50pm

michael I totally understand.  I know she would want me to be happy too but how can I be happy without her.  She was my world, my life, my soulmate.  It has only been a month but the pain just keeps getting worse.  She loved summer swimming in the ocean, on the waverunner,  in the kayak, on the paddle board, on the boat, fishing, crabbing,etc.  We loved doing all those things together.  We will never do those things together again and I don't want anyone to replace the things we did. 

Comment by michael sandoval on June 9, 2012 at 3:54pm

To everyone who is feeling guilty for being happy or moving on,
I agree, it is very difficult. I think of my Denise, how can i be happy, when she is not here. how can i be happy when I miss her so much. I feel guilty when I smile or have a happy thought.

I know that Denise would not want this. She would want me to be happy, to smile and laugh and enjoy life. She would not want me sad, crying and feeling guilty. even though I know these things, I sill feel guilty and horrible that she is not here and I am.

Comment by Debbie S on June 9, 2012 at 3:29pm

I reaaly feel blessed to have found this site. Like I said in my other post my heart aches for each of you but I thought I was going crazy with my emotions so all over the place.  Mark, we did know my husband had cancer. He had finished his treatment and had went back for his PETscan. It is just so heartbreaking to know everything he went through and still lost his battle. I am so sorry for what your sweet mom went through. I prayer someday they will find a way to prevent this evil cancer!

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 9, 2012 at 3:21pm

I don't feel any happiness or joy.  Last week I did something with my brother and his family that her and I would be doing (on boat fishing).  The whole time I felt guilty that I was alive and she was dead in a casket.  I cried and cried when I got home.  Any time I do anything I feel this way.  Today it has been a month and now I know why today is so damn hard on me.  I can't stop thinking about her laying in the casket.  I feel at times I want to die too but I know I can't b/c I promised her I would watch over her son.  My life is NOTHINGNESS!!   All the joy and happiness and  love is GONE.  Emptiness.  Thanks to everyone for the support. 

Comment by anna l. on June 9, 2012 at 2:59pm

Debbie I do know what you mean about feeling guilty for being happy.  Way back last fall I was laughing with my dogs when it hit me I was happy and I completely lost it.  How could I possibly be happy when my son and my husband were gone!?  I wrote about it here somewhere and it helped when others wrote back that they had that happen to them as well.  I really thought at that time I was losing my mind.  I have never been bipolar but it sure felt like that was where I was headed.  It still hurts sometimes when Im enjoying something and think about how much Tom or Karl would have loved to be there too.  Like today at my youngest grandsons soccer game.  I was cheering him on and clapping like crazy when he scored his second goal and then I was crying because his Papa would have loved to see that!  I have learned to accept that I bounce from happy to sad like that and dont worry to much about it any more. It is just another aspect of grief that I cant control but I have to deal with. 

Comment by Mark on June 9, 2012 at 2:36pm

Debbie, I caught your comments about your husbands PETscan and how surprised you were that it never showed.  I can relate.  My mother became ill at the end of Jan 2011.  Initially we were told because her bloodsugar leval was so high she had mysteriously become diabetic.  I won't go into how inprobable it was but we went with what they said and started insulin shots.  She got worse.  At the end of Feb 2011 she was back in the hospital unable to keep anything down.  This time I had them run every test out there.  The first response back was, "NO CANCER" the conclusion was gastroparesis which occurs with some diabetics causing the nausea.  We went with that.  From Feb to July of 2011 I was taking my mother to see her Dr. every 2 weeks.  On July 15th at my request I asked for one last MRI because none of this strange vomitting was making sense given all the meds and the fact she just wasn't getting better.  Out of nowhere they found a blocked bile duct. She was rushed to another facility and we heard the words pancreatic cancer.  All those months. All the testing and it took that long.  She was rushed to San Francisco for what is called a Whipple.  A major redisection removing the cancer which was located on the head of the pancreas.  When they opened her up it has spread to the base of the Aortic Valve on a blood vessel.  There was nothing more they could do.  Chemo and Radiation could "maybe" shrink but not kill this type of cancer.  It would be considered palliative or prolonging the inevitable.  So I took her home.  On Dec 14th 2011 my precious sweet little mother died in my arms.  I am still stunned at what took place.  I'll always wonder if way back in Feb 11 had it been found if we could have gotten it all before it spread.  I despise the word cancer.  Specifically pancreatic cancer.  There is little to do in the way of fighting that type of cancer once it sreads.

Comment by Debbie S on June 9, 2012 at 11:07am

Sitting here reading the new post and it makes my heart ache for each of us. I too feel like my pain is worse now at the three month point. I dread Weds so bad because thats the day he past. To make matters worse his birthday would have been June 13th of course thats Wed. I've been trying to think of things to do to help me that day but I have to make myself leave the house. Then when I do I end up just turning around and come back home. The loneliness is bad but I still find myself wanting to be alone. Do any of you feel guilty if by chance you find yourself happy if just for a minute? I know he wanted be to be happy. Before he had his surgery he wrote a journal to me. I was only to read it if he didn't make it through surgery. He did so we put it up until....... I read it over and over but its still so hard.

 

How do I go on when the love of my life is gone?

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