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Comment by dream moon JO B on August 22, 2019 at 5:59pm

i do not luv bigc

now iv fw mro frinds its got termil big c sum few yrs oldr thnme just undr 50 

few peppel weari livs gotbig c'

wish i cud shoot big c lk dem/ALZ in to md of nowear sp no 1 cud get it'

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 11, 2019 at 5:59am

Hi M Adams,

Thank you for your kindness. Each year on his birthday I plant a tree or bush in his memory. Yesterday I bought this plague for my garden.

Comment by M Adams on July 10, 2019 at 7:10pm

Linda, hope your day is uplifted by beautiful memories of celebrations you shared with Julian.  Do you have any special ritual or observance for his birthday?  Acknowledging such days is challenging for me, yet I do want to honour them.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 10, 2019 at 6:07am

Today is Julian's birthday. I miss him so much

Thanks for your post Morgan. You put into words what I have a hard time expressing.

Comment by morgan on July 9, 2019 at 10:47pm

Michael,  

Wish I had an answer to: "just how are we Widows and Widowers supposed to pick up the pieces. ? I am battling my emotions every day, the mood swings are awful.."

I am not sure if I am really picking up the pieces.  What I have done is practiced staying really really busy when my energy allows it.  For five plus years it was a daily if not hourly struggle. Crying every day sometimes several times a day.  Stumbling, fumbling my way through the necessary stuff I had to do.  Now I am in the sixth year and in the last couple months I have gotten better at functioning through a whole day without crying.  That now extends into a second day and once in a great while into a third.  I feel like my brain has become numbed by some drug it created internally to keep me alive because the crying was destroying me.  Its like my vision doesn't focus on the reality in front of me because my heart just wants release but because I am still breathing it is insisting that I do something to avoid thinking of him.  

I hate it.  As I work along I will then remember that I am alone and in that moment I know the only option to ever feel better is to die, because the other moments while I work I am figuratively unconscious.....  in outer space.....And in that moment I get angry that I am being forced to live longer.  I don't know why I am living longer and I really don't care about the reason because it doesn't make it any easier to keep living.  I pretend alot, I isolate alot and I still cry routinely.  Its how I cope.  And the isolation adds to my loneliness but I choose that over having to explain how devastated I am because inevitably the conversation leads to the big question.  Why are you doing what you are doing?  I can't talk about his death to this day.  When I have to, it makes me cry uncontrollably and that is in addition to to the times I cry because I miss him.  Its been very destructive.

Life is just not necessary for me to live anymore.  I hate being left behind. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 9, 2019 at 5:49am

JO,

I read this each morning but it does not help. I just struggle through each day.

Comment by M Adams on July 8, 2019 at 11:46pm

Michael, just wondered if you would ever be interested in something like a book club?  A friend of mine who is a widow joined one recently and getting together with people to talk about what they’ve all read seems to be helping her, not just the engagement in the book but meeting the people in the club.  Not that she is looking for a new husband but just connecting with people is helping her loneliness.  It is not a grief book club or anything like that, and I don’t think people there even know that she is bereaved, but it seems to be good for her.  She had been like me, having trouble focusing on reading after her husband’s death, but Now seems improved enough to read and discuss.  Don’t know if it would help you, but thought I’d mention it.

Comment by dream moon JO B on July 8, 2019 at 1:46pm

yep

linda

senetty of prey 

i get

or a versee i herd it a funrell im in nxt room waitin for u

or god willget room reddy fro u 

to day had bit of wobllcry to day but neededd to cry 

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 8, 2019 at 6:11am

Michael,

After 7 years I still remain lost and I know I will be until my Husband and I are together once again. As in the Serenity Prayer, God can not grant me serenity to accept things I cannot change. I just try to live each day.

Comment by Michael Thompson on July 8, 2019 at 5:50am

 I am at my wits end with loneliness.  Losing my wife in 2014 has taken away a certain confidence, and this happens to those left behind. Being married is much more than a ring, it is a friend, and companion, someone who knows you better than anybody else situation that you lose when one of you dies. This cannot be replaced. I am completely and utterly lost, and as such im at my wits end to know what to do to reverse things ???. I know it would be great for me to have a female companion, but I am not going looking. She and I met in passing in 1991, and it was instant, we met in a local bar, and she had just walked out on her second womanising husband after 18 years of married life. We hit it off famously, and we married in 1992, and I miss her. They say death is part of life, and of course it is. But just how are we Widows and Widowers supposed to pick up the pieces. ?. I am battling my emotions every day, the mood swings are awful..

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