Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on August 12, 2011 at 5:33pm

Dear Anna -

I don't know when your husband died, but I can relate to your feelings about his friends coming and taking away his fire fighting equipment.  They are just "things," but they were HIS things.  My husband died in November last year, and I had been thinking about donating his clothes.  I took them all out of the closet and left them on the bed in the spare room where they were pretty much out of sight, just to see how it would feel to go into the closet without them in there (it's a big walk in closet).  At first, each time I went in, I had forgotten his side was empty, and then I remembered what I did, and that I could put them back whenever I wanted to.  It wasn't the fact of his clothes being gone; it was the fact of the empty space that bothered me.  One night my daughter came to stay overnight with me because I had oral surgery and wasn't supposed to be alone that first night; so I had to clear the bed for her to sleep in and I put his clothes back in the closet.  That was about a month ago.  Then, the more I thought about it, I realized that he didn't need those clothes anymore, and neither did I.  I kept some of his sweatshirts, his flannel shirts and his bathrobes; I wear those things; and my daughters, for some reason, both asked me to not give away his ties (I am planning on making a quilt for the girls from his ties anyway).  As I was folding his clothes, I started to talk to him (I have a picture of him in every room I use in the house - I don't use all of it anymore...) and I told him, "these are just things, and they aren't you.  you will always be here in my heart, and I will always love you; and I know you are with me."  I took it all to Goodwill, and I know it will all go to good use.  But I can just hear him saying, "yeah, but they're MY things!" and laughing about it.  I still have a lot to go through, and a lot to clean up; I'm selling (or trying to anyway) the house; it's too lonely and big for just me.  I tried to list it a few months ago, but when I came home from meeting with the agent, I looked at the walls and it felt like they were part of us - i wasn't ready.  A few weeks ago, when  called the agent back, I was ready.  You weren't ready for your husband's friends to take his equipment away.  I don't know what kind of cancer your husband had either, but my husband had rectal cancer.  By the time it was discovered, the tumor had reached stage four, but the cancer was still stage one - it hadn't spread anywhere beyond the tumor.  But they missed the tumor on scans and colonoscopies they had done in November; his dr. found it by accident in January.  I don't blame anyone - he had excellent care and the best doctors for the type of cancer he had; he also had Crohn's disease - inflammatory bowel disease, so he had a lot of bleeding, but we always assumed it was from the Crohn's.  Now I think it was at least partly from the cancer.  And he was always thin because of the Crohn's; he had had his large intestine and part of his small intestine removed about 20 years ago, so when he lost weight, we assumed it was because he was having a flare up of his Crohn's. Neither of us ever suspected he had cancer; and when it spread, it spread fast, and suddenly.  It was a mess.  Sorry to blab on and on.  

My point is, you are not alone.  And of course it is so natural for you to be feeling what you are feeling. We all have to do these things in our own time, and it wasn't time for you.  I'm so sorry.  And please vent here whenever. 

Permalink Reply by K.T on August 12, 2011 at 6:17pm

Totally allowed to vent. Today was also a very hard day for me. I'm 20 years old and my mother was only diagnosed with cancer in January and was gone by April. I've had a problem with an ingrowing toe nail for a long time and last month it got infected. Today I had to go back to the same hospital where she spent most of her last weeks and also where she died. I had to have surgery to remove my nail, by the same surgeon that tried to do one of her surgeries.

I was lying on the table crying my eyes out. Not only because the procedure was so awful and painful!! But because so many fresh memories came rushing back and all I could think about was this surgeon operating on my mother's tumour just a few months ago is now operating on me. It was just awful. The nurses were looking at me horrified as I wept through out the whole procedure. The whole scene just felt so surreal and cruel.

Permalink Reply by K.T on August 12, 2011 at 6:19pm

I'm sorry, I was so wrapped up in my vent I didn't even say how sorry I felt for your loss, and yes I can totally understand why you felt this way. Everyone keeps telling me to give away my mum's things but I'm not ready yet. Vent and rant as much as you want, you're allowed to.

God Bless,

K.

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on August 12, 2011 at 7:13pm

Dear K -

I am so sorry about your mom, and also about your recent toenail experience!  How terrible for you to have to through that with the same surgeon, and in the same hospital!  That's traumatic.  I have a concern for you that this whole experience could lead to a phobia of hospitals and doctors, and who would blame you if it did?  

I can't believe they didn't give you any medication to help you deal with the procedure, especially when they saw you were crying your eyes out.  There are, unfortunately, many in the medical profession - doctors and nurses - who see a patient crying or emotionally upset and just say "she's just a drama queen... it doesn't really hurt that much, does it?"  There's an OB in our area who hadn't had children herself, and a friend of mine told me this doctor delivered one of her children and in the third stage of labor (the hardest) this doctor said that - "Oh,, it doesn't really hurt that much, does it?"  My friend wanted to just slap her!  I would have, too. 

Hang in there; I hope your toenail heals fast!

Take care

Permalink Reply by Jackie on August 12, 2011 at 9:20pm

That is a hard day. I am sorry, I know every little change is difficult. It's very normal for you to be upset. It's been 6 months for me and I still haven't gone through my husbands stuff. I think about it, but it makes me start feeling stressed out so I leave it alone. To have things that were part of your husbands belongings removed involuntarily would be very upsetting. Next time something like that happens, I would arrange for someone else to be there and go somewhere with a friend. At this point self-preservation is important. Plan ahead whenever possible to make your life as pleasant as possible.

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 12, 2011 at 10:06pm

My husband passed on July 1st, so it is pretty fresh.  It was just shocking how upset I ended up getting and it kind of surprised me.  I knew all along those things were set aside in the garage and had been bought and paid for.  I remember the day he got it ready.  He asked our oldest son to come and help him clean out the garage and they made a list at that time of what he could get rid of easily.  I had a good cry then because I knew he was accepting he was going to die and I hated he was getting rid of stuff, like giving up.  It seemed like that to me at the time and I was really angry.  Today when I got the call and they asked if they could come in 10 minutes I was ok saying that was fine.  It wasnt until they were actually carrying them out of the garage and loading up the truck that the mind numbing pain hit again.  Does one ever get used to that blindsided attach of grief?  Longing for what was and will never be again?   

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on August 13, 2011 at 11:40am

Dear Anna, Mercy and everyone -

When my husband first died, and we knew he had only a few days left when we got the prognosis; well, when he died I climbed onto his bed (we had hospice and we had a hospital bed brought in for his comfort) and just held him and sobbed into his chest until the mortuary came for him.  I was numb for a while; I remember making the arrangements for his memorial, and my daughters and my brother in law were with me - thankfully because I don't think I could have gone through that alone.  At the memorial service, I think I was teary, but I didn't "cry" or sob outlaid; I was just going through all the motions - I think making the arrangements, and planning the service gave me something to focus on, as strange as that may sound.  Then I was kept busy with paperwork and settling insurance and trying to pay the bills that were due, and all that stuff - then when everyone had left and gone home - my brother in law, my daughters - and I was alone, the meltdowns started.  Something would trigger me, and I'd just sob and sob and cancel any plans I had for that day and stay inside and cry.  My dog seemed to not really know what to do with me, but he just followed me around and stayed by my side.  Gradually, I had fewer and fewer of those melt-downs, and now I still have my moments when I get emotional talking about Don, and I knew that when I started going through his things I'd know when the time was right to give them away.  Grief is a process; we all handle it in our own way, and sometimes it handles us.   Just when you think you're past a "stage", wham - that wave comes back and hits you again.  And you go through it again, but maybe each time it gets a little bit, just a tiny bit, less hard.  But it's a process.  When I hear about someone who's had his wife's clothing in the closet for over 2 years, I know they have gone through the process; they're stuffing it down, and eventually it will come back up.  

Anna, it is very fresh for you.  Be kind to yourself; give yourself permission to feel how upset you are, and know that it is so very normal.  This takes time.  Does anyone every get used to that blindsided attach of grief?  I don't know.  I only know what my experience has been, and that is that when I allowed myself to have my feelings, and let them out, and sob and cry and yell and be angry, that it did slowly get better.  I know my Don is in a better place; he's not suffering and he's finally out of pain.  I also know he's here with me when I need him to be; he visits me and I feel him around me sometimes.  Sometimes his presence is so intense, if feels like there isn't' room for anything else here.  And other people have told me they've felt his presence, too.  So I believe that he visits me, and that he'll be here as long as I need him to be.  I talk to him a lot; I don't know if he hears me or not, but it makes me feel better.  Hang in there.  It will get easier eventually, but I can't say when.  I am thinking of you and sending hugs. 

Cynthia

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on August 13, 2011 at 11:40am

P.S. : I'm sorry I tend to ramble a lot; I'll try to keep it shorter!

 

Permalink Reply by mercy on August 12, 2011 at 11:46pm

Anna; I'm so sorry; this is a normal reaction. Mom died two months ago and given that my dad is also gone; soon we are going to have to make a decision about all their stuff and decide who will stay in our family home. Everytime I think about getting rid of moms stuff and the big empty house and our estate; I get sick to my stomach and sometimes I have to take a shot of something just to dull my feelings. I know this is the wrong approach but I'm just a big mess these days. To answer your question Does one ever get used to that blindsided attach of grief?  Longing for what was and will never be again?   It happens to me all the time. I still mourn my three brothers and my dad even though they've been gone for a while now. The longing for them is paralysing sometimes. What I know now is death will be a welcome break for me, since most of the people I love dearly are now gone. I feel for you since I know exactly what you are going through.

Permalink Reply by mercy on August 15, 2011 at 1:00pm

Cynthia, you don't ramble; everything you say makes sense and its comforting. You pour your heart out and you intentions are always to help us through this process. I love reading your posts.

Mercy.

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on August 15, 2011 at 3:46pm

Thank you, Mercy.  You mom knew what she was doing when she named you "Mercy."  You have a giving and goodness that shows.  

And yeah, it's been a rough couple of days for me, too!