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The unanswerable question..... Why?
On September 19th, 2011 my fiancee passed away from pancreatic cancer at the tender age of 34 years old. When we met each other it was love right away. We were both working professionals with busy lives and had always endured bad luck in love. Neither of us were interested in dating anyone until that day I walked into Starbucks to order a coffee that I never crave. For some reason that day I wanted a coffee and 3 hours later I walked out and called my mother to let her know that I just met my future wife. I learned later that she emailed her sister when she got in her car to tell her the exact same thing, that she had just met her future husband. We took off on a whirlwind romance, falling head over heals in love. I had never known love like that nor did I ever dream of such a thing knowing that life could never live up to such extreme expectations. But it did, and she was the most amazing woman I've ever known. She was an obviously beautiful woman, but the difference between her and other beautiful women I have known was her beauty inside. She always made it a point to befriend anyone who wanted/needed a friend. It didn't matter who you were as long as you were nice she would share a laugh with you. Her beauty could only be surpassed by her intellect. She was an impressively intelligent woman who had taken the world by storm. She was very successful in so many aspects of life. She had more talents than I could possibly speak of but most of all she knew how to love unconditionally. She brought joy into my life every day and has forever changed who I am. I've never known love like I knew with her, I never knew strength until I watched her fight this horrible disease, and I never knew who I was until I saw myself through her eyes. She brought out the best in me, and made me believe in myself, made me believe in her, but most of all made me believe in love. I will always cherish every moment that we shared together, and always wish there had been more time.
Losing Emily was hard enough, but anything that could go wrong afterwards did. All of Emily's possessions that she had with her in the hospital were in a family members vehicle (including our wedding rings, her wedding gifts to me, and even her ashes that had just been picked up). While his vehicle was parked someone broke in and stole everything. In this very sad moment someone ripped away so much from myself and her family. Not only did they take things that we could have to remember her by, but they took her ashes. That was our way to say goodbye to her. Her request was that if she passed away before our wedding day for me to go out to the ocean on that day and spread her ashes. I feel so lost, and not having the ability to say goodbye makes it even worse.
I waited my entire life for her and now she is gone. I feel so lost, numb, and angry. Everyone in my life.... friends, family, and her family, keep telling me the same thing..... That God brought me into her life so that she would know true love before leaving. She told me the same thing, and that she would have never made it as long as she did without me by her side. They all say that God wanted me there to take care of her and that they couldn't imagine a better person to be there for her. I take pride in the fact that she loved me, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have had her for the time that I did. Also, knowing what I know now, would I still walk into Starbucks that day???? A million times over I would!! I was able to be there for her and help her in a great many ways, but it's the current situation I find myself in that has me paralyzed. How do we go on? How do we pick up the pieces and start putting this puzzle back together again? The puzzle can never be complete as she was the most important piece of the puzzle.
I guess we all come here hoping to find the answer to one simple question.... Why? I know there is no answer to that question, but like many of you.... I just hope to find a way to cope.
Views: 284
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by mercy on
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Ben; I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s true; we will all have these questions until the day we die. I’ve suffered so much loss even though I’m not 40 yet (I’ve lost both parents, my three brothers and a niece and nephew). They all had long lives ahead of them and suffered various degrees of pain before their death; but I know I’ll never stop asking God why? We just have to settle for the fact that we will never know. I know God never makes mistakes and our days on earth are numbered. That’s my only comfort. I wish you peace in this journey; you came to the right place with some of the most caring people you’ll ever meet.
Take care,
Mercy.
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Dear Ben,
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a heartwrenching time and I know you must be full of "whys". My husband passed away on September 27. He had 3 inoperable tumors on his trachea. He had finished all his chemo and radiation treatments. The treatments had made him very weak and for weeks he had not been able to eat anything. He went from 205lbs to 140 lbs in less than 6 months. The irony is that on Sept. 26th we were scheduled to have a new cat scan and MRI to see the status of the tumors. That morning he passed out in the floor and I called an ambulance to come get him. The ER doctor came out after about 30 minutes and told me he had pneumonia so bad he would not live thru the day. My entire world caved in and my heart shattered. Not for a half second did we ever think he was not going to be coming home. He was admitted into the ICU and passed away at 5am the next morning. We never even got to know if the cancer was gone.Like you, I feel blessed to have had every precious moment we shared but it does not help ease the pain or answer the why? So far I just take it day by day and sometimes it is hour by hour and that's ok. I hope you find some peace and comfort in your family and friends and in your wonderful memories of your Emily.
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Permalink Reply by Melissa Broome on
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So very sorry, what I find the saddest part is that some low life stole her ashes from her family. That's got to be the worse thing I have ever heard. I think you are both amazing, I'm glad you found each other all though your time together was short. you'll see her again :)
Hugs to you,
Melissa
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Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on
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Can you believe that someone would steal ashes? I just feel sick for Ben. - Sue
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Dearest Ben,
When I read your posting I thought...my God to be loved like that what a lucky woman she was. The answer I am going to give to you is this: We are brought into this world to experience life ...to experience joy, love, humility, pain, anger, abandonment, cruelty and all of the things that come and go whether we want them to or not. If we are blessed in some ways we are tortured with others. God is good. He does not create cancer or want any of us to be devoured by it. Evil is part of our world. Evil is responsible for that car crash that takes a loved one as much as your lovely Emily getting cancer. Never in my life will I understand why you were gifted such a beautiful soul mate only to loose her to pancreatic cancer of all things. Who gets pancreatic cancer? Not a lovely young woman in the prime of her life. Ben, part of your lifes journey was to meet Emily. Not many people listen and walk through the door at Starbucks when God plants that seed. You both did. That is the beauty of it all. You have a lot to over come. You will never stop loving her..you do have to learn to live without her. Ben, you have to be strong for many reasons. Emily's time was short but she lived powerfully! She made the world a better place because she had the gift of loving and living beyond what most people can ever do. You experienced the most prescious gift of all - the love of another human being in a way that most people will never have. I have never been loved by a man in such a way. I think what you experienced was very rare. God gave you Emily, she is and always will be the love of your life. I will leave you with this...I believe that when we leave this earth we go to a place called the Garden of Souls...where we are reunited with our loved ones and have earned the awsome privilidge of spending eternal life with God surrounding by only happiness and joy. This earth and this life we are living is just the smallest part of the big picture. Let your feelings out..here on the site you now have sisters and brothers who will support and love you from today and every day afterwards. One hour at a time...sometimes..one minute. I am here for you Ben. You may write or call me if you need to talk. 941-809-8673. You are not alone in your pain. Hugs Sue
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Permalink Reply by Mary Elizabeth Dolnick on
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I am so sick tired of hearing God has a plan...there is a reason for it...well ...someone please tell me his reason...I can't figure it out
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Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on
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Mary,
I can certainly understand your frustration because so much that is said and attributed to God is untrue and not founded on the truth from the Bible. John 17:17, "your word is truth." Some of the untruths I have seen is that had a plan when he took their loved one in death. God is NOT the cause of death, Satan is the cause.
Understanding the real source of injustice can especially help us when hardship hits close to home. When we are treated unfairly, we may cry out as did God’s servant Habakkuk: “Law grows numb, and justice never goes forth.” (Habakkuk 1:4) God did not chastise Habakkuk for saying this. Instead, God reassured His servant that He had set a time for correcting matters and helped Habakkuk to find joy in the face of trouble. (Habakkuk 2:2-4; 3:17, 18) Similarly, trusting in God’s promise to correct injustice can help you gain serenity and peace of mind in an unfair world.
I am disabled and truly enjoy talking about the Bible. I f you would like to really get into what the truth is, please contact me at mawmaw1591@gmail.com - I have an article you will find helpful for all of your questions. The answers will help the frustration.
Your friend,
Brenda
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Ben, are you a writer? You should be... what you have written has made me feel like I have been making this journey of love and agony right with you.
Do you believe in God? I find one of the big reasons people are so perplexed is because they do not understand that this world is in the control of Satan the Devil.
(1 John 5:19) "We know we originate with God, but the whole world is lying in the [power of the] wicked one."
That is not to say that Satan directly sprinkled cancer dust on Emily, I would certainly say, though, that the one responsible for taking your wedding things and her ashes were definitely from their father the Devil.
(John 8:44) “YOU are from YOUR father the Devil, and YOU wish to do the desires of YOUR father. That one was a manslayer when he began, and he did not stand fast in the truth, because truth is not in him. When he speaks the lie, he speaks according to his own disposition, because he is a liar and the father of [the lie].”
Also, as the father of the lie, Satan is the root cause of sin and death.
(Romans 5:12) “That is why, just as through one man sin entered into the world and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men because they had all sinned.”
There is , however, a wonderful hope that the Bible tells us about when God will step in with his King Christ Jesus and put an end to Satan”s rule:
(John 5:28, 29) “Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.”
(Psalm 37:10, 11) And just a little while longer, and the wicked one will be no more; And you will certainly give attention to his place, and he will not be. But the meek ones themselves will possess the earth, And they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.
(Psalm 37:29) The righteous themselves will possess the earth, And they will reside forever upon it.
If you would like to ask questions or hear more comfort from the scriptures, please let me know. . . lean on God – he will help you through.
(Isaiah 41:10) Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not gaze about, for I am your God. I will fortify you. I will really help you. I will really keep fast hold of you with my right hand of righteousness.
(2 Thessalonians 2:16, 17) “may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, comfort YOUR hearts.”
Always here to talk,
Brenda
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