I just wanted to check in and I notice to those of you still here and that there are a few who are new.  I think that each of us has their own individual way of getting through these dark days and I have my own perspective that I have already mentioned in many discussions before, that I know in my heart my joy in this life is gone as my 'spirit' passed with my husband when he passed away 7 months ago on January 22, 2010.  I am so sorry for all of your sadness and sorrow and I know it's just so unbearable to get through each day, and I also wanted to let you know about a few things going on with me.  A huge issue with my family has been unblocked at least on the surface.  What I'm talking about is that two days ago my brothers and sisters and most of our adult children and their kids actually got together for a family cookout that I attended in which all of those that I mentioned before in another post had major issues.  My eldest brother who just turned 70 refused one of my sisters the knowledge of his upcoming fatal diagnosis that he only has 9 months to live due to liver cancer.  A month or so ago after the most horrific tension, past fights, anger and stress from disagreements which caused him to deny our sister the right to be at his wake and funeral when he dies, but I noticed after we were all getting along in one of the pictures that were being taken on Saturday, my brother's arm was around her shoulder and it's such a momentous occasion I had to share it.  I have nothing to do with the problem, but I think the help for our family being united came about from my husband (who passed as I said) together with one of my other sister's son who died last June of 09 and this is nothing short of a miraculous event.  I prayed for their help (my husband and my nephew) in the afterlife after I received a message that they are helping our family unite.  Never thinking this would ever happen this has changed my views about some things.  But it any case I now truly believe that my husband is aware of what goes in in this life with me and all of us ( I didn't before because I felt disconnected from him as we were together for 39 years and then there was nothing,) I still find it hard to talk to him because of the fact I am still deeply depressed and I want him here and now.....I don't want him to be a memory.    Well, the other thing I wanted to ask of anyone who wishes to comment that lately I've been getting a lot from different sources that we have a choice in how we feel.  But I don't believe this, I think Abraham Lincoln was wrong when he said, "We are as happy as we make up our minds to be."  (I don't think he was talking about widows) and I am adamant about how I feel that how can I choose to feel joy if my beloved husband is not here physically, how can I feel happy is beyond me.  I know I will never feel happy again, but others, even widows from my grief meeting which really kind of annoys me (sorry to say) that they love life and they are living again and they believe I will too one day.  This really gets to me because I know in my heart that my life in this world is over and I just wait for God to let me know His will (which I've said hundreds of times) and I just wait for God to call me home.  Does anyone here have any thoughts that we can choose how we feel???  I just don't get it.  But I will do my best to accept differing opinions.  I just know how I feel and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Well, I pray you all have peace and (((hugs))) to everyone here.
God bless,
Suzanne