Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Meggie Meg on July 26, 2011 at 8:57pm

Death, unfortunately is a part of life. So it's coming whether we want to admit it or not. But none of us wants to be in pain before we go. Suffering is not part of our plan. For that reason, I understand your feeling of relief at the end of your husband's suffering.

When my dad died of cancer after an 18 month battle with it, my heart was broken. But in the end, I was super relieved that he was free from pain. In that way, I understand. I don't think you're wrong. It's understandable to feel that way and I've felt that way myself. You are not alone.

 

Tiffany, I am truly sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Tiffany on August 7, 2011 at 2:43am

I am sorry to hear about your dad. death is really hard to deal with. it means alot knowing that i am not alone on how i feel.

 

Permalink Reply by Maura Simms on August 6, 2011 at 9:58am

Wow, I see someone stronger than myself in how you are dealing with children too!  At least I am learning or trying to turn the pain off and on but to be constantly reminded of it would be excruciating.  I think your survival mechanism is kicking in to bear this trauma, and I think its okay to just be blase for now to cope, but keep trying to look toward and be open to beauty too; the arts, nature to lift your spirit once in a while. Hopefully the pain will someday pass and your whole world will be bright again. 

Permalink Reply by Tiffany on August 7, 2011 at 8:42pm

I really dont see myself as being strong. My mom has always told me that the lord will not put anything my shoulders that i can not handle. at times i question that but i still cant give up. my kids have lost enough and dont really understand why. or even how, i would love to just give up and lay down and say ok i am done but where would my kids be if i did that. thats what i keep tellin my self. but at the same time. it sounds bad but in a way i am kinda getting used to death. the worse part about it is i push everyone away but my kids because i am always asking my self who is next.

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 7, 2011 at 10:54am

You are not alone in this feeling, nor in losing your husband to cancer recently.  My husband had uncontrollable pain from the cancer in his vertebrae, skull and brain in the end so as devistating as it was to let him go, it was a relief to see the physical as well as mental pain gone for him the morning he died. There is nothing wrong with feeling relief, for him and possibly yourself too as caring for someone you love so much and not able to help them is hell on earth.  I know. 

Permalink Reply by Tiffany on August 7, 2011 at 8:45pm

the worse part about it is everyone was around so much i never had the chance to tell him everything i wanted to. we never did get a chance to be alone. there is so much i wish i could have said. did you get to say everything you wanted to?

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 7, 2011 at 10:57pm

No, we did not get much alone time.  But I did make that time we needed so I can say we didnt leave much unsaid.  That is not to say I said everything I wanted to because every day I want one more time to tell him how proud I was of him.  How honored I was to spend my life with such a gentle loving man.  How much I love him, more every day.  We had our problems but our love for each other was strong and never in doubt.  He was the my first adult love and I was his last love.  There will always be things I think, "I wish I had told you this".   Not having him to talk to is absolutely the worst part.

 

Permalink Reply by Stacy Jinkins on September 15, 2011 at 9:28pm

I just lost my father to Leukemia less than a month ago. I too am happy that he is not in anymore pain. I can't imagine the pain of cancer, but I saw what it did to him. He was the strongest man I know, and to see him like that was horrible. I am happy he is not hurting, but so sad that I won't be able to see his face, hug him, or talk to him. I am sad he won't see my children grow up, he loved them so much.

Don't feel like a bad person for feeling that way. It's called compassion. You have suffered a lot of loss, and it's a miracle you are still going strong for your children, but you are. I've been told it gets easier to cope with over time, but my missing him will never fade. I am so sorry about your husband.

Permalink Reply by Judy Winchenbaugh on September 26, 2011 at 5:48pm

I just joined this site this weekend, so am still learning how it works.  Please don't feel guilty your husband is no longer in pain; that is a very selfless act. You put your husband's pain as more important than you not wanting to let him go.  This is love. 

My husband wasn't in much pain, thank God.  He had stage four lung cancer and the two grandchildren that live with us saw all that Grampy went thru.  They are five and nine now; I can't imagine how you are dealing with two small kids that aren't able to understand the concept of death yet.

 

 I lost my Paul last November 16th; ten days before this 59th birthday, we were only married five years.  As as we get closer to one year since he died, I find it harder to cope than it was a few months ago.

 

I admire your strength and courage.  Yes you are strong; even though you might feel weak, you are very strong to keep on  raising your children with love and compassion.  Your husband would be very proud of you.

 

My daughter gave me good advice; if you can't cope for a day, cope for an hour, if you can't cope for an hour, then a minute at a time.

 

Permalink Reply by Dusti L. on October 11, 2011 at 9:52am

You feel what you feel.  It's not wrong.  A friend of mine just gave me the book "Tear Soup".  It's an AMAZING book for adults and children, too.  Everyone deals with grief differently.  I just lost my mom to cancer, and though I had 3 1/2 years to prepare for her death, it was still incredibly hard.  I don't cry as much as my sister does, and I felt like, somehow, that was bad.  After reading "Tear Soup", I realized I'm just dealing with it differently.  My grief is not her grief, and hers isn't mine.

Be happy for him that he's not in pain. It's OK.  Hug your kids and tell them how much you love and need them every day.  Remind them of happy times with their dad.  They will adjust and be OK. 

Don't think of yourself as weak--I admire your strength to get through every day without your Love.  Your family and friends can help make you strong, as I have discovered.  Lean on them, and on the Lord. 

I don't have all the answers--I'm going minute by minute some days, too--but prayer helps, as well as family support and friends.  Knowing I have to be somewhere also keeps me going--especially the days I'd rather just stay in bed.  Some days I even "fake it till I make it".  Probably not the best advice, but there are days I can't do much else.

Stay honest with your feelings, and don't try to live by others' "rules of grieving".  I hope you check out the book, and I hope it helps.