Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Julie on May 11, 2010 at 11:46pm

Hi. My husband passed away 3 months ago and I feel like it was yesterday. I am so so sad and I miss him every second of every single day. He wasn't only my husband buy my best friend as well. We did everything together and now everything is so different. Most of the time I don't feel like I am going to make it to the next day. I don't understand how I am supposed to go on with my life when I am so heartbroken, sad and completely empty inside. Everything is so wrong with this situation. There are no answers. I replay everything in my head over and over again and it leads me to the same place, here, without my precious husband as I used to call him. It's awful. I feel that I cannot go on without my husband. I have never felt so lost and so alone as I do now. Everyone says time will help but what do you do in the meantime? I am struggling every single day. I have trouble sleeping because I hear every little noise and squeak in my apartment. I find myself walking around my apartment from room to room not knowing what to do with myself. I can't relax. I can't focus. I know that death is a part of life but I am having a very hard time accepting the fact that my husband is not physically here with me. It feels all wrong to be here without him. My Mom says it's important to try to take small steps. Some days I am able to and other days like today I felt like I took several steps back. Supposedly, this is all part of the process, the grieving process that we go through. I think losing a spouse is the worst thing that anyone could ever go through. I wish I had some answers but I don't. My Mom lost her husband, my Dad 22 and a half years ago and her best friend lost her husband 2 years ago, so I guess some people are able to get through. One day at a time, that's what everyone says. When my husband was sick, everyone said the same thing that they are saying to me now. After hearing it so much, it really gets to me.

Permalink Reply by Becky Petrie-Hamilton on May 12, 2010 at 10:12am

I know how you feel today marks 1 month that John passed and it so makes me mad that there is a cure out there but the "BIG MONEY" people have all the power to hold it back.You can bet that if it was one of their loved ones with cancer it would be availble. John was my soul mate, my dream maker,my everything and I feel so lost with out him. It is hard to go through each day knowing that this did not have to happen. Everywhere I look in this house I see him, I smell him, I hear his laughter, I see his pain and I hurt not to able to hold him, to kiss him,to just sit beside him and hold hands. I ask why I'm still here when I don't want to be. I read the poem " the Messenger" over and over. sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.
The Messenger
Weep not for me
now that I have passed.
Remember the laughter, the affection, the joy
not just the recent tears.
Cherish the memories, our hopes and dreams.
Hold fast to the love that we shared.
Be happy with the time we spent together
and being anew.
For I am not really gone,
I am closer than ever before.
As the morning sun rises
and throughout the busy day...I am with you.
Until the setting sun disappears on the horizon
and we watch the day turn into night...I am here.
You may feel a faint breeze stir round your head, while you slumber
as I gently kiss your forehead, "Good night."
The stars that shine so brightly in my heavenly sky
help me watch over you and keep you from harm.
I am the wind in the trees
and the song of a bird.
I am moonbeams in a midnight sky
and a glorious rainbow after the storm.
I am morning dew
and freshly-fallen snow.
I am a butterfly flying overhead
and a puppy happily at play.
I am a smile on a stranger's face
a gentle touch
a warm embrace.
Listen to the wind for my message of love.
Watch the sun rise and set in the sky with me.
Feel my essence encircle you with warm memories.
Open your heart to know...I am not gone.
Reach deep into your soul...You will find me.
I am here.
Have no fear.
I am with you, Always.

Permalink Reply by Julie on May 12, 2010 at 10:23am

Thank you for sharing that. I am going to print it out. I was just rereading the post that I wrote last night. My husband died 8 weeks ago not 3 months ago, I can't even think straight anymore. BTW who wrote the poem the messenger?

Permalink Reply by Becky Petrie-Hamilton on May 12, 2010 at 5:48pm

I believe it was Kristi Dyer of the Journey of Hearts. But not postitive.

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on May 12, 2010 at 4:45pm

The pill they are talking about is called Tarceva. They offered it to my mom, but sadly you have to have a certain gene (EFGR) for it to work. It works better in women, particularly Asian women, but you have to carry that gene. It only works for certain kinds of cancers too. I too look back on things and get angry and all the what if's, its normal because we so badly wish things could be different. My step dad was really adamate about my mom stopping treatment and not trying out a clinical trial b/c he wanted for God to heal her and not medicene. I am a very strong Christian and love God with all my heart, but I also believe in modern medicene and God being behind some of these doctors and the things they come out with. So my step dad refused to let my mom participate in the clinical trial that some thought could have saved her life. Luckily, I went behind my step dad and contacted her oncologist myself and had her tested for the clinical trial and once again she didn't carry the gene for yet another pill they had come out with. Sadly, these pills only work for select pill, so its not a cure all cancer pill. Its a targeted therapy that works only if you carry the defective gene. Like you, I watched my mom go from being a healthy 55 year old vibrant woman to a skinny handicapped cancer patient who couldn't even drink or take pills anymore. It was awful to see her suffer so much and I will never forget how bad cancer was to her. Like you, I dread all the holidays. I am about to have a baby in November and my mom was there for the delivery for my last two children. I am excited to have a new baby, but dread her not being there with me to hold my hand during the delivery. I couldn't go to church this past Sunday b/c I couldn't face seeing people stand up to hug their mom's when the pastor said to knowing I would break down into an emotional mess when I couldn't hug mine or take my sweet mom out to dinner. I dread birthdays, holidays, you name it, I'm right there with you. My mom was my best friend and when she died, part of me died. I came from her and never knew life w/out her. Its just so painful and hard. I KNOW I will never get over this, there is no way, but hopefully in time I will learn better coping strategies, that is what I am hoping for and I will pray for you as well. My mom told me something wise and this may help you....remember our life here is temporary, our final destination is in Heaven with all of our loved ones and we won't ever have to part again. As hard as it is, know that this is not the end and our seperation is only temporary. I am not sure if you like to read and I may have already suggested this, but I read the book "The Shack" by William Young and it is about a man that goes through a tragedy and is so mad and upset about loosing his daughter, the book has an awesome way of showing you how God never left his daughter's side or his side throughout it all. We see things from our perspective, God's sees the big picture. I am praying for you! Email me if you need to talk! Hugs ((()))) kirstinerushing@hotmail.com

Permalink Reply by Julie on May 14, 2010 at 5:42pm

I really liked what Kirstine said, thank you. Our separation is only temporary. We will meet again. I miss my husband so much but I am trying to accept his loss although it is very difficult for me. The bottom line is that this is my reality and my husband can't be with me right now. I am completely heart broken and I don't think that I will ever be the same person again. My Mom told me that my husband would not want me to be so upset and sad and cry every single day. I know that she is right. My husband only wanted me to be happy and he still wants me to be happy. I am going to try and focus on that for now because I think it will give me some strength to help me get through each day a little easier. I have to be strong for my husband because that's what he would want for me. An online friend said to me, what if the situation were reversed and you passed away? Would you want your husband to be upset daily or would you want him to grieve, hold onto the wonderful memories that you shared together and try to move forward, taking small steps to move on with his life? I would not want my husband to suffer at all because he was and is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. He gave me a world of happiness and filled my heart with such love, joy and beautiful memories that I hold in my heart for always. I have to remember this. I was so lucky to have experienced such a beautiful sweet love, even though it was only for a short period of time. What a terrible situation to be in? I never thought in a zillion, gazillion years that I would be in this situation, but I am and so many of you are as well. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts. I get a bit of comfort knowing that there are other people like me in a similar situation. I joined a support group at the Hospice where my husband died and it seems to be helping me a little bit. When it's so fresh, I think it's all about taking small baby steps because that's all we can do. Some days will definitely be easier than others, but this is what it is. I hope in time all of our hearts feel a bit lighter because no one should have to suffer. Our loved one suffered enough for all of us. Think about it? Sometimes I do feel like I torture myself by thinking about something over and over again and asking "Why" repeatedly? It's so mind boggling because there are no answers and it feels like I am just banging my head against the wall. I don't want to make myself crazy anymore because I am pretty good at doing that. It's not good for me or any of us. I have to try for my husband and for myself. Dealing with things one day at a time is how we will get through this extremely difficult time.

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on May 15, 2010 at 11:36am

This is so true as to how your husband would want you to be. I am not sure if I told you, but I asked my mom to come to me in my dreams in the final weeks of her life. I told her to come and see me in my dreams and tell me she was ok if she went to heaven. She said she wasn't sure if she would be allowed to do that, but she would try. I wondered if she really even understood what I had asked her b/c she was taking so much morphine for the pain. Well its been 3 months and I was starting to give up hope, but I finally dreamt of her. It was the most amazing dream, but in the dream she told me she had seen me crying and upset and she didn't want me to worry about her. She was more alive than ever, Heaven was just like we talked about but better and that we would be together again soon. She told me she hated to see me so sad and told me that no matter what she was always with me even if I couldn't see her. I don't even think this was a dream, I think it was her for real, but some may think I am whacko for thinking that, it was just too real and for the first time in months I was comforted. This happened right before MOther's day so perfect timing. I think all of our loved ones feel like this about us. So Julie, your attitude is perfect. Its so hard and even when I cry now I apologize to my mom b/c I know she doesn't want to see me sad, but I remember her words and I am comforted in knowing that no matter what God is always with me and he will never leave me.

Permalink Reply by Julie on May 15, 2010 at 12:11pm

Wow about your dream!
Thank you Kirstine for replying to my post. I printed out the "Messenger" and taped it to my kitchen cabinet and I added some pictures of me and my husband last night. Whatever helps is what we have to do to get thrugh this.