Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Eunice Selewski on December 14, 2010 at 7:10pm

I know how you feel.  Sometimes I get so mad because I really I don't want to go on without my husband.  He died of cancer in September.  I knew he was not going to live long after the diagnosis so I decided I was not going to cry about it while he was still here.  It was a terrible year of hospital stays and painful treatments labeled paliative.  Of course, my husband, James, was convinced he was not going to die.  He died in September from a staff infection that he got during his last chemoembolization.  If it wasn't the infection, it would've been the cancer.  I have never loved anyone as much as James.  I have never been loved by anyone like I was loved by him.  I doubt that anyone else will ever love me as much.  I feel like crying all the time.  Then, I get pissed that I'm crying again.  I want to stop.  I want to move on.  I accept that he is gone, but I can't seem to accept that I have to live without him.  I hate feeling this way, but can't see to stop feeling it.  I wish someone could give me an easy way through this.

Permalink Reply by sheila kerr on December 19, 2010 at 6:53pm

I wish there was a easy way out of this but I not know what it is I feel the same way you do I cry a lot of the time but I can not get past the fact that he is gone and I will never get to see him again.I miss him so much I do ok some days but not lately we will get through this at least that is what that tell me.I will pray for you.

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on February 25, 2011 at 11:35am

Dear Eunice -

What really struck me in your post was that you have never been loved by anyone like you were loved by him, and you have never loved anyone as much as him.  That could have been me writing that.  My husband died Nov. 12 from metastatic rectal cancer - in Oct. they told us it all looked good; the tumor wasn't growing and didn't appear to be spreading; then in Nov. suddenly it just spread to his liver and his bone marrow.  We knew when they did the marrow biopsy that he wouldn't have long; from the day of the actual biopsy to the day he died was 7 days.  He was suffering in spite of the so called "palliative care" from the hospice and when I gave him the morphine, I would tell him each time to just go with the medication; it was okay to go and we would all be okay.  I talked to him like that for 48 hours and because he would suddenly say something lucid, and then just as suddenly be "out of it" again, we weren't able to converse much.  Like Sheila, all I could do was tell him how much we all loved him, how he had enriched my life and that I would be okay; although I'm not okay.  I held him as he took his last breath, and then I REALLY held him; I took off the rails from the bed and just laid with him and cried and held him and talked to him even though he was no longer in his body - he was gone.  I held him like that until the mortuary came for him.  I had my meltdowns, and my days of sobbing and yelling and being angry; now it's been three months and I feel like I'm back to being numb and the tears are just right under the surface but won't come.  I guess this grief thing just ebbs and flows.  Mostly I feel depressed and I just miss him so terribly; I never knew that anything could hurt so much or so deeply.  

Hang in there, because I know that it will get easier with time.  There is no easy way to go through this except to allow your feelings to come because if you don't, you won't get through it.  The feelings will just get stuffed down and come up later.  And I do believe I will see him again someday when I go to wherever he is - I am starting to believe there is something  after we die.  

 

Permalink Reply by Eunice Selewski on February 26, 2011 at 6:27am

Thank you, Cynthia.  It's been 5 months and I find that some days are really tough.  I have days when I sort of feel normal, but I miss James so much everyday.  I scheduled an appointment with a grief counseling place, but I am wondering what good it will do.  I think they are going to tell me my feelings are normal and it will get easier.  They will not be able to erase the loss.  I guess what I'm hoping for is a way to stop crying all the time.  I hate to have people see me cry and they never know what to do - because there is nothing they can do (they always seem to want to try and fix it, but it can't be fixed).  I don't like to let people know that I'm suffering because I hate to have people feel sad and powerless on my account.  Also, I protect myself from being vulnerable.  I did that with James, too.  He hated it when I cried, so I tried really I hard not to cry in front of him.  I never tell my daughter how I really feel and I feel like I'm cheating her out of a really intimate relationship with me.  I think I'm convincing myself that counseling may help, don't you?

 

Some things are good.  I am finding that I don't have problems with finances.  I'm realizing how much the medical costs affected our budget.  It seems like every month I'm finding extra money from somewhere - selling things, final checks, insurance payments, etc.  I sometimes feel like James is up there pulling strings to keep the money coming in.  LOL

 

Have you had any dreams of your husband talking to you?  I've had one where he was talking to me and another where he was sitting at a table with me, another widow, and the widow's husband's ghost.  I could see James and widow's husband, but she couldn't see either one of them.

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on February 26, 2011 at 10:03am

Dear Eunice -

I am a psychotherapist.  My first internship was with a hospice, and we did grief counseling - individual and groups.   A good grief counselor won't try to make it better or tell it will get easier with time (although I have to tell that it will; please don't give up on that thought!).  Crying is a release; each time you allow yourself to cry you are letting go of some of the hurt even if it doesn't feel that way.  A good counselor will mostly listen, give you place to let it out without having to worry about someone not knowing what to do or say when you do cry; mostly they should let you cry as you need, and not try to get you to stop!  The best way to stop crying all the time is to cry when you need to; then it won't "seep out" when you don't want it to.

I've had days where I've just let it all out; I call them "melt down" days.  I'm a fortunate that I don't have to be at work or anything right now; so if I need to just stay home and meltdown and cancel whatever plans I had I can.  I realize not everyone can do that.  

Most people do understand when you cry; this month (he died Nov. 12) I've found myself just feeling mostly sad or depressed, sometimes wanting to cry but the tears don't come, until someone asks me about how I'm doing, and then I get "teary", but don't actually cry.  I'm not trying not to, it's just where I am right now.  sometimes I also thing I've gone back to feeling numb most of the time.  I think if I didn't have my dog I'd be in worse shape.  he makes me get out of bed in the mornings and he makes me get out and walk him, and he even makes me socialize; he doesn't like other dogs, so I'm taking him to a class once a week.  I have my daughters, too; one is 30 and one is 27; the younger one is the one who talks to me more about losing her dad and her feelings and experiences but she is in NY and I'm in CA; my older daughter who lives closer doesn't talk about it much.  Honestly, I don't know who she talks to... but it isn't me.  That's hard for me, because I need her, and I want to also be here for her but she needs to let me know she needs me because I know with her I can't go where I'm not "invited."

I'm sorry this is so long.  I'm tired and I think I'm rambling... 

Take care.  Hang in there.  I know this is hard.

Oh - you asked about dreams.  Yes, he's definitely been in my dreams but mostly it's more of a feeling of him being here; like I wake up and am always surprised because he's not here with me, and I wonder where he went.  I have had some very strange experiences; one night I swear he was in bed with me; and it's new bed.  And one night, about a week or so after he died, I woke up and there was a very strong odor of incense in the bedroom - we would burn it in there sometimes; it was so strong I had to get up and light a stick.  Now I light a stick next to his picture on my dresser.  I've been distributing his ashes around the world; every time someone comes by who is traveling or who is going to another state (like my nephew, my brother and sister in law live in different states), my daughter and her fiancee were in Denmark for Thanksgiving; I ask them to take some of his ashes with them to scatter; his brother took some to Maryland where he lives; my daughter in NY took some to NY; we talked about this before he died and we both liked the idea of him being all over the world if possible.  

Again, sorry to go on...and on...

Permalink Reply by Eunice Selewski on March 5, 2011 at 7:30am

Thank you for your reply.  It was not too long and you were not rambling.  It helped me a lot!  I saw the grief counselor and she and I agreed that professional counseling will not fix it for me.  She said I am a resilient person and to trust my intuition.  She said not to let other people "should" on me, because our society wants to fix it and there is no fix.  He was my best friend, my lover, the best part of my life - that is not coming back and I will miss him and cry for him.  No magic pills.

 

I am really tired of crying but I guess I need to do it - like you said.  People say that time will help but I doubt it will ever get "better" but I will learn to live without the greatest love that I've known.  I want to celebrate the fact that I received that love - many people never do.  Thanks, again.

Permalink Reply by sheila kerr on March 5, 2011 at 7:47am

That is exactly how I feel I felt soooo very much LOVED by Marvin I knew that he pit me above everything else and I felt so safe with him.I think we loved more in the short 14 yeaes we had together than most people do in a lifetime and I am so grateful to GOD for bringing him to me.I see him in all the things that I do yesterday my youngest cleaned my house for me and she did it just like he used to do it.I am one of the mosr messy people on earth but he was very neat and organized when I got home I just had to laugh at her because she sounded so much like him.She was only 9 when we got together so he helped raise her and I guess I never knew how much he had infulence her or my other daughter till yesterday, it was so great.I will always miss him as he was the LOVE of my life but I look at our 4 children and our 4 wonderful grandchildre and realize part of him will always be here in them.WE both were very lucky to have had such men in our lives even if they left us way too soon.Thanks for reminding me of that

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Lange on December 20, 2010 at 9:04am

Our losses are fresh---yes losing our best friend is terrible.  Know that they want us to be happy---so try a small smile tonight---take a deep breath---and rest well.

Permalink Reply by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 10, 2011 at 9:52am

I dont know what the answer is, how to go on, I have been since losing mom, but its the hardest thing....you just lose that momentum, the will to live....so many times i wanted to give up, "this is too hard"....and she was my best friend which makes it all the harder....I know she coulnt help what happened to her, I just wish things had been different....I just miss our talks, etc...but I am handling things ok....half of me is gone too, but I am better, with therapy, with positive outlook, and its very important to try and do some things you enjoy....it brings you out of it for a little, at least for me...its real hard hun, but god bless and we are here for you....rachel

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on July 2, 2011 at 8:35am

I lost my husband 2 years ago - not to death but to divorce. I have never seen him since the day he walked out the door. We were together 20 years. I have not dated since. He was my world. Somehow I made it. This reason I am writing this today is...my mother nancy who was my best friend died Monday of this week from cancer, emphezema and COPD. I was with her when she took her last breath and her beautiful heart took it's last beat. I wish I could have crawled in bed beside of her and died with her. If taking your own life was something I had the courage to do I would do it. I have no desire to continue anymore. I am 55 but feel 100. I am empty. My 2 younger sisters have just gone their own way. Our family has always been very fractured for many reasons but I had hoped moms illness and death will finally bond us and let us let go of our differences. My two sisters took charge of all the memorial plans without ever asking me if I wanted any of moms ashes ect. I had to call the funeral home and request this BUT they had to clear it through my one sister first. My sisters have planned a memorial and "celebration" of moms life in Michigan for next Friday. The booked flights for themselves and told me to make my own and I would be "reimbursed" for my ticket. Two of us live in the same town and will probably be flying on the same plane but for some reason not toegther. I feel like a total outsider. Mom and I had the closest bond. We share the same birthday. We spent the majority of our lives spending every weekend together. She told me a few weeks ago that I was her sensible, grounded one and that she was proud of me for surviving my divorce, going back to school and doing it all on my own - never asking her for financial help. My two younger sisters took some advantage of her financially. How do I survive being alone? I have my dear wonderful friends but no family anymore. My dad left us when I was a kid and died a few years back. I am so lost.