Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kim on September 15, 2012 at 1:15am

the guilt will always be there... believe you me... that takes forever to reconcile... and you hope that one day it will go away... but if there's any solace... just know that.. at the most pivotal time, he didn't hold you responsible for anything... rather... none of the 'what ifs' mattered.  I know that Matty, like my Dad... wasn't thinking about the 'what ifs' when he passed... he was thinking about the wonderful, loving times that he had... Death is most difficult on the living... those who have passed are rejoicing for they are no longer tolling... I hold that close to my heart... be strong...

Permalink Reply by Mary M. on September 15, 2012 at 9:25am

TamLyn, I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband passed in March and I still feel guilty about so many things I wish I had done differently.  He suffered so much the last few months, it was hard to watch, and when the nurses told me he was holding on to life just for me, well you know there was more guilt.  His last night I laid with him in the hospital bed, telling him that we would all be OK, he could rest now was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.   But it was what he needed to hear, he passed in the early hours of the following morning.  Since then I have felt guilty for not spending more time at the hospital (I had a 3 year old and a 9 year old at home, so it was not easy), for putting blinders on as to how fast he was declining.  Despite the prayers of our family and our church family I even felt guilty that I didn't have a priest/minister there at his final passing.  Was it wrong to to cling to hope that we would have more time?  You are not alone with the guilt feelings.  We all feel them, maybe not the same ones but we all regret what we didn't do when a loved one passes.  Just hold on to the knowledge that he knew you loved him, that you were there through all his pain, and that he loved you very much!  Blessings.

Permalink Reply by TamLynn on September 15, 2012 at 11:47pm

 Thank you so much for your replys and I am so sorry for your losses.

 Today was not even a quilt day just an all out horrid painful want to die day....I just can not comprehend living the rest of my life with out him.

  I am trying to look at the good things like I was lucky I could be with him the whole time.And didnt have to leave him alone.for any amount of time so hopefully that took a lot of the fear from him/

 We didn't have children together and I see a lot that is the only thing that keeps the surviving spouse going in many cases.

 He had children but not with me and they are in their teens.

We would get them every other weekend and all sleep in the living room with movies and pizza thats all gone now...Here with out their dad is to painful

We had our cats..honestly if I didn't have them I would just lay down in bed and never get up again...but they where our family and I can't just abandon them.

 And on top of grief I have to get my head together to get a job asap and that's not going well I can't stop crying. How can life do this to you? What am I going to do, I don't even know how I am alive. I have lost #20 since he passed I can't eat, all I think of is how he suffered and how I miss him

 Still I cry every day I wake up that I too didn't pass in the night.

Permalink Reply by Raven on February 20, 2013 at 8:53am

Hi TamLyn, I am so sorry for your loss.  It has been 9 months since my husband died.  I have terrible guilt and remorse too for what I didn't do in the last months of his life.  Hang in there.  Your feelings are absolutely normal.  

Permalink Reply by marsha on February 27, 2014 at 3:19pm

This will sound mean, but I am so glad to hear you feel guilty for things you didn't do in the last months of your husband's life. I feel the same way. I think of the times he wanted to just go to bed and hold each other and I would have to go to work or some other stupid thing. I think of the times he wanted to talk about dying and his final wishes and I would put him off because I thought he was being morbid and would not die. I didn't want to face facts and now I know I deprived him and myself of the change to be really close in his final days. Even the night he passed away, I felt as if I should stay but I had to be to work the next morning, so I left. At 3 am I received a call telling me had passed. Now I read all the obits saying so and so passed away surrounded by their loved ones and I can only think of my husband dying all alone. No one was to comfort him or hold his hand. How do you get passed letting someone down at the end of their life after being there for them so many times before?

Permalink Reply by marsha on February 27, 2014 at 2:05pm

I am a friend of guilt. I know guilt very well. My daughter passed away September 2009 of an undiagnosed blood clot. I spoke to her the night before and she was gone without warning the next morning. Guilt was my companion for 4 years. As a mother, I should have saved her. I knew something was wrong and kept begging her to go to the doctor, but she was a busy mother and kept putting it off. I should have forced her to go. I should have taken her by the arm and led her to the car. I didn't, and she died. My soul ached for ever. Only now, four years later, am I able to think of her without crying. I have spirit guides who tell me she is always at my side, always telling me to quit blaming myself, that she had done all she was supposed to do in this life. She is happy in her new position in the spirit world. But it didn't help until now. I think that is because my common-law husband passed away Dec 18 2014 and my focused moved on to him. Now, like so many of you, I feel guilty because I didn't spend enough time with him when he was fighting the cancer. He would want to talk about death and his wishes, and I would tell him "NO" you are not dying. You will get well and we will grow older together. Now I feel so guilty all the time for not sharing our souls like we should have. When I realized he was not going to make it, I tried to speak with him, but he couldn't talk very well by then and we just sat in the hospital and stared at each other. I wish I could re-live those 4 months after he started chemo. I would do so many things differently.

Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on March 28, 2014 at 11:47am

Dear TamLynn,

After reading your discussion and the guilt you are struggling with, I looked up an article I read and I quote it here:

"As noted previously, some have feelings of guilt after losing a loved one in death. This may help to explain the acute grief of the faithful man Jacob when he was led to believe that his son Joseph had been killed by “a vicious wild beast.” Jacob himself had sent Joseph out to check on the welfare of his brothers. So Jacob was likely plagued with guilt feelings, such as ‘Why did I send Joseph out alone? Why did I send him out into an area abounding with wild beasts?’—Genesis 37:33-35.

Perhaps you feel that some neglect on your part contributed to your loved one’s death. Realizing that guilt—real or imagined—is a normal grief reaction can be helpful in itself. Here again, do not necessarily keep such feelings to yourself. Talking about how guilty you feel can provide a much needed release.

Realize, though, that no matter how much we love another person, we cannot control his or her life, nor can we prevent “time and unforeseen occurrence” from befalling those we love. (Ecclesiastes 9:11) Besides, no doubt your motives were not bad. For example, in not making a doctor’s appointment sooner, did you intend for your loved one to get sick and die? Of course not! Then are you really guilty of causing that one’s death? No.

One mother learned to deal with the guilt after her daughter died in a car accident. She explains: “I felt guilty that I had sent her out. But I came to realize that it was ridiculous to feel that way. There was nothing wrong with sending her with her father to run an errand. It was just a terrible accident.”

‘But there are so many things I wish I had said or done,’ you may say. True, but who of us can say that we have been the perfect father, mother, or child? The Bible reminds us: “We all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.” (James 3:2; Romans 5:12) So accept the fact that you are not perfect. Dwelling upon all kinds of “if onlys” will not change anything, but it may slow down your recovery.

If you have sound reasons to believe that your guilt is real, not imagined, then consider the most important factor of all in allaying guilt—God’s forgiveness. The Bible assures us: “If errors were what you watch, O Jah, O Jehovah, who could stand? For there is the true forgiveness with you.” (Psalm 130:3, 4) You cannot return to the past and change anything. You can, though, beg God’s forgiveness for past mistakes. Then what? Well, if God promises to wipe the slate clean, should you not also forgive yourself?—Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9.


I hope you find some relief and comfort in the scriptures in the article.

I sent you a friend request and look forward to you accepting my request.

Brenda
Mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Permalink Reply by Raven on March 28, 2014 at 12:07pm

Thank you Brenda.

I carry so much guilt with me over my husband's death

from colo-rectal cancer.  I am filled with regret that I didn't help

him more.  Your Bible verses really helped me today.

Permalink Reply by Barb Yenolp on March 29, 2014 at 10:16pm

Hang in there Raven. I know the guilt. I am sending good thoughts and hugs.