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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on January 29, 2010 at 2:25pm

I just lost my mom to stage 4 lung cancer on Friday. We too missed the signs, in fact there were none until she complained of a bad back ache almost 2 years ago. She never smoked and was very healthy, had blood work done and everything came back fine...they thought she had just pulled a muscle or had fibromyalgia. The back ache continued to worsen and after many doc visits, it was confirmed stage 4 lung cancer. How in the world she got lung cancer, I will never know, but she got it. She never had a cough or anything and even with lung cancer her lungs were really clear and healthy, just a small tumor there that had sent off the cancer to her bones. She died last Friday in extreme pain and she was not just my mom, but my best friend. I love her so much and words fail to describe how much my heart hurts. It is so hard to see someone you love suffer this painful death! They call it the silent killer b/c it is often to late by the time signs show up to do anything about it. Don't blame yourself. I will I have a time machine and could go back 3 years and say go get a chest scan, but she would look at me like I was nuts b/c there were no signs!

Permalink Reply by Debbie Varga on January 29, 2010 at 8:23pm

Kirstine,
I am so very sorry for your loss. It hurts so badly, I know. It is so hard to watch someone you love so much suffer. The last week of his life, my dad was in a lot of pain. The medicine helped but then he was so out of it. It was very confusing for my kids (5 and 3). It still is. They miss him so much. We talk about him a lot, we are working on memory boxes for each of htem to put some items into, pictures, etc. We pray to him every night, and even set a place for him at special dinners (at the kids' request). We talk a lot about Heaven, and I have found some great books for them. However, they are both having a hard time, so I have them seeing a therapist as well. They have gone about 6 times since he dies in July. I am also seeing her because I am about to go out of my mind with thier incessent questions. I am finding it hard to grieve for myself and deal with thier grief at the same time.
I hear you about it being the silent killer. And it causes so much pain. My dad was having a lot of pain in his legs, cramping. So, as the hospice counselor suggested, we had the kids hlep massage his lower legs with lotion. Well, he thought it felt good for a little while, and he really made the kids feel good about helping him, but my mom said that after we left, he ws in so much pain from the pressure on his shin bones from them rubbing him. They still think they really helped him feel better, and it will of course stay that way but I feel so bad!
I don't know when the pain lessens. I miss him so much. But I can't seem to cry. It's like all my pain is frozen inside. My mom complains that she cries so much, but I wish I could. I have a good cry back in September, but since then, very few tears have been shed.
Again, I am sorry for you loss. It sucks. There's no other words. It just plain sucks.

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on January 31, 2010 at 1:21pm

I've got the opposite problem, I can't stop crying. I guess we all deal with things differently. I am going to try to find a therapist myself, I think that is a good idea. I just need someone to vent to. Like you, I miss my mom so much and I wonder how this pain will ever lessen. My mom stopped talking and we started to see all the end of life signs so I knew it was coming...she even got that horrible hard to even type it...death rattle. At the time she was suffereing so bad and in so much pain and I was ready for her to pass on so that the pain would end for her. She was in diapers and she could not move w/out being in severe pain, but now that she is gone, the finality has kicked in and I miss her so so much. I even miss changing her diapers b/c at least then I was still with her and doing things for her. I think I am going to put my focus into making a beautiful little stone planter near her headstone. Its not even there yet. I went to the cemetary yesterday and they removed all the flowers from the funeral and its just basically a mud pile. I am going to maks sure she has a beautiful site, at least then I will still be doing something for her.

Permalink Reply by Debbie Varga on February 10, 2010 at 1:19pm

Hi Kirstine,
Sorry I haven't been online in a while to reply. I envy you your tears. My therapist has assured me that my tears will come. I have cried a little bit, shorts little bursts of tears, but I am either interrupted by my kids, or work, or I just stop after a few minutes, like there is no more left. But I know from dealing with grief on other issues in my life, that there are many more tears to come. Right now I am just frozen.

I know what you mean about wanting the suffering and pain to end. I, too, prayed that my stepdad's pain would end and he would pass. But, when my prayers were answered, I was filled with regret. Though I would not want him back here in so much pain, and unable to enjoy the things he loved, I still want him back. I just want him back when he was healthy. I want to turn time back to 2 years ago, when we were all happy and my kids were thrilled to go see him or have him come babysit. They would run to him when he walked in yelling "Papa!" The joy on his face, and thiers, was priceless. That is one of the things I miss the most. The way he made them feel, the way he made all of us feel. Happy. Happy to see him. Happy to have him around.

I think it's wonderful that you are going to make a planter at your mom's gravesite. We don't have a headstone yet either. My mom just hasn't been able to make herself go and choose one. And I am not going to push the issue.

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on January 31, 2010 at 1:13pm

Andrea,
Don't beat yourself up with the could have should have's. I feel the same way. My mom's doctor wanted her to continue chemo back in August b/c he said it was working, but my mom and step dad decided that she was going to stop chemo and trust in GOD for a miraculous healing. I believe in GOD with all my heart, but I also believe in taking advantage of modern medicene. I am doing the same as you, wishing I could go back in time and fight harder into convincing her to continue on with the treatment, but at the end of the day it doesn't change things. I wish I could have a back to the future machine, as I am sure you do, but we know how much we loved them and thought we were doing everything we could at the time. Its hard to imagine that your loved one will have cancer, I don't know about you, but I always thought that happened to other people's family. My mom had a backache, I never dreamed that would be lung cancer that had spread to her bones! We just can't go back. If we knew then what we knew now, it would be a whole different story, but cancer is one of those dieseases that just creeps up on us and is a total shock to everyone. Just like your dad, my mom was going to the doctor with this backache and they kept saying she had pulled a muscle and sent her to a chiropractor! When you know they are going to the doctor, you kinda just trust what the doctors are thinking...like your dad having allergies. If you ever need to talk, I am here. I just lost my mom on Jan 22 and it hurts so bad. I don't know when I am ever going to get my old happy life back, I don't think ever, I guess I will just have to get used to a new kind of normal at some point, but the sadness is so great right now it seems unbelievable.

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on January 31, 2010 at 1:25pm

to make things worse today my husband's friend said his mom has had the exact same cancer that my mom has for 10 years but the chemo has kept her alive all this time, like I wanted my mom to keep doing (the chemo), so the should have/could have's hit me too all the time! Why didn't I fight harder, I did, but I felt like everyone in my family was looking at me like a "trouble maker". Lets help remind each other that we can't go back...it is soooo hard when I hear things like this. To have my mom for 8 more years would have been great! My daughter would have been 13 and my son would have been 10, they both would have known her and remembered her.

Permalink Reply by Debbie Varga on February 10, 2010 at 1:45pm

Andrea,
I am sorry that your dad's symptoms were overlooked. I would feel the same way you do in your shoes. I know that my stepdad also knew something wasn't right, that he wasn't well. But, he was too proud or stubborn (don't know which) to do something about it. I keep thinking that if he'd told us he wasn't feeling well, we could have found out a couple of years ago and he could have had some type of treatment. Then maybe he would have been around for a few more years. Heck, I would have taken even two or three more years! My grandpa had lung cancer and he lived until he was in his 70's. My stepdad was only 62. I would give anything for that much more time.

Then, I think, maybe he was just going to die on July 24, 2009 no matter what. Maybe that was his time. I am really struggling with that. I am not sure what I believe anymore.

Permalink Reply by Marsha "Marcy" Welch on January 31, 2010 at 10:00pm

We missed it too with my Mom. She had fought the battle with cancer three times, and the fourth time, it somehow slipped past us, AND her doctors. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, and I knew something was wrong. She stopped eating and her skin started to look a little yellow. My Dad and I kept taking her to the Dr. and they kept telling us there was nothing wrong. She had been cancer free for a year, but had recently been in the hospital for acidosis because her kidneys weren't filtering properly. They kept telling us it was just the acidosis, that it would take her a little while to recover, to just hang in there. They even prescribed marinol to help with her appetite. She was in constant paid, her back and stomach were always hurting and she kept telling me she felt pressure. She went from weighing a healthy 165 to 130 in a short month.
Finally, my dad got frustrated with her one night because she hadn't eaten in a few days and took her to the hospital. Her Primary care Dr. was alarmed by how she looked and ran a full body scan. After ALL of those Dr. visits with her urologist and oncologist and it was her Primary Care Dr. that said "okay, time for a full body scan, this has gotten a little out of hand".
I have never been so furious with myself, or her specialists than I was when her Primary care Dr. came back and said the cancer was back and it was in her bones, liver, brain and kidneys.
I remind myself on a daily basis that there are some things we have no control over. It's been over a year and It still hurts me to think about it.