Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by carma on May 4, 2016 at 5:38pm

Hi  Donna....

I think so.....my dad died 4 months ago and I am feeling guilty like their was something more I could have done....He had prostrate cancer stage 4 that spread to the bones.....he seemed to be doing well but the dr changed his shots and 2 months later that was that.....in n out of the hospital for the next 2 months, if he was home a total of 10 days during that timeframe i'd be surprised.....good over last summer, stable but then in October things turned....they took some tests and it was now in the bone marrow.....he passed dec 30, 16.....he didn't want to take these big pills anymore in early dec...not sure if they were helping, I was doing a lot for him including helping him get out of bed etc.   Yes he got mean at times too, stressed cuz he wouldn't eat or didn't like it etc..I was tired as I slept with an ear open or would check a few times a night......We had to put him in hospice care the week prior as I just couldn't do it anymore and was hurting myself sometimes.......We got the call in the morning that day and I knew it was 'over".....I feel really bad and guilty too....Don't think that I will ever get over it.....I miss him so much as he was my buddy and of course I was daddy's little girl.....I did a lot of "boy" things with him too.......plus I have no other siblings...........watching someone go thru stuff is not fun and very hard...........I felt a little relieved that life can maybe go back to normal but what really is normal now after almost 2 years?  It's true what they say, they do come to visit.....I have regular dreams about every so many days that we are doing things.....yes it is hard and no you are not alone

Permalink Reply by Patricia on May 4, 2016 at 7:30pm

Yes!!! My sister had brain metastasis at the end of 5 years of cancer. I cared for her for five years, and at the end she was a handful. She seemd angry at me, always yelling at me and mad at me. It was so unlike her. I was so stressed and I felt the same, at the end it was a relief. But it was! Don't feel guilty. It was a relief for the patient too. My sister's boyfriend was so great. He was the one who told me, she wasn't mad at you, she was just very sick. The same with your husband. That kind of sickness in your brain makes you crazy. Forgive him it wasn't his fault, and forgive yourself because it certainly wasn't your fault either.

Permalink Reply by Donna Doucette on May 4, 2016 at 8:40pm

Everyone tells me...you are only human. We kept him home on hospice but he didn't want anyone doing anything but me, and it was hard. I know he wasn't himself, but I'm 130 lbs and he was over 200 and trying to move him or roll him over was quite a challenge and he couldn't understand I just couldn't do it alone. I used to think he was testing me to see how I would handle it.  His brother stayed and helped me, if I was eating or in the shower he would call for me. No one could feed him but me.  I look back and I hate myself for the thoughts I had. I talk to him everyday and try to say I'm sorry. I talked to some one at my church and she said he hears you but sometimes I can't wait till I see him again to tell him!

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on May 5, 2016 at 4:01am

Hello Donna,

Since I lost my wife to Bowel cancer in 2014 after 22 years of marriage, and while out walking "our" little Yorkie, I have met so many people, men and women, who have, and are suffering grief from the loss of their husband or their wife, and one or two people suffer guilt due to being relieved their spouse has passed.

My beautiful and lovely wife during her last days cut me right out, even when she came home from the hospital to rest up the last time but we didnt know it then, her personality changed towards me, putting it mildly, I couldnt do anything right, but I understood the situation and I loved her, and did everything I could to help her.

I wrote to my local paper two articles about grief from the left behind spouses point of view, in the first article I also paid a tribute to my wife.

If you would like to read these article's, one at a time, please send me your email address if you wish, and ill forward them to you one at a time.  My email address is michaelthompson533@btinternet.com

Sincerely

Michael UK.

Permalink Reply by Donna Doucette on May 7, 2016 at 8:19pm

Thank you Michael. Can you post the article on this site?

Permalink Reply by Fran on May 5, 2016 at 9:43am

In January 2000 my father had a "brain bleed", eventually diagnosed from brain tumors working their way around blood vessels. No previous hints of anything being wrong. He was well into his 80's and still been chopping wood that fall and doing most of the things people do. Only thing was he developed a headache that last day and went to bed a little early. Once we had the diagnosis and decided there was nothing that could be done I had him transferred to my home in March and helped my mother take care of him. His speech was garbled and guttural, his ability to eat was generally soft or ground foods. However, for a while his eyes were so expressive and ?happy?. His last "decent" meal was Easter when we had the whole family over, including 2 out of state sisters(mine). My guilt with him was "Why didn't I see something was up?" I'm an RN...I dealt with sick people all the time...yet I didn't, and still can't remember anything that would send up red flags.
More recently, I lost my husband to Stage IV lung cancer. He died Nov. 2014. Really had no clue that he was that sick until Jan. of 2014...He would go for doctor visits every 6 months just because of thyroid medication he was taking...nothing earth-shattering. He had a couple of surgeries in the previous 5 years like gallbladder removal and sinus surgery...had an xray of his back and hips because of pain. But any "ACHE" or PAIN" he complained about could be contributed to "arthritis" or all the manual labor or hunting/fishing he'd do. He was very active and didn't let anything slow him down until his diagnosis. Doctors said the cancer had very likely started 4 years prior and were also amazed that he had been as active as he was all this time. By the time he was diagnosed he had metastasis to just about everywhere including the brain. He tried the chemo and radiation and even had a couple of the brain tumors lasered. He handled things better than I did, but there was a change emotionally in him. I watched him go from around 240# to 160#. I begged, pleaded, cajoled, bribed him to eat. I monitored his meds. When he got to the point where he needed oxygen I dealt with that. As sick as he was he still looked out for me...had work done on the house so that I wouldn't have to deal with anything once he was gone. But, I started to pray to God to take him sooner than later if he was going to continue to deteriorate. I felt guilty doing so, but I loved him so much and didn't want him to suffer. Like you, we had been married for 27 years. He traveled for work alot, so when he was home we did everything together. I miss him everyday and still look back and wonder if there was anything I could've done to save him....

Permalink Reply by Donna Doucette on May 5, 2016 at 1:22pm

What was so hard is that he died a slow painful death.  No, he didn't take very good care of himself in his life, but I try to understand.  My mother the same way.  She was screaming up until she took her last breath from cancer.  I think we all hope and pray that when it's our time, we'll go peacefully in our sleep, but I guess the good Lord makes that decision for us. 

Permalink Reply by carma on May 5, 2016 at 2:11pm

It's very hard...I'm not married but having been close to my parents it's just as hard....yup dad went from around 155 to 80lbs when he died as they had to weigh him...there were times he would forget or ask questions from long ago etc.....lots of fighting, etc....I am glad I am hearing this of others....then I know it just wasn't me...or my mom......yes I too asked god to take him and then I thought that it was selfish.....most nights I do ask god to tell him I am sorry and I too wish I could have done more.....

 

Permalink Reply by Donna Doucette on May 5, 2016 at 4:54pm

If my experience has taught me anything is that life is too short and I don't believe my husband would want me to feel this way...at least I hope not. As time goes by, the guilt seems to ease up, something always reminds me though and I feel I'm back to square one.  Most days are easy and I try to smile when I think of him,and I know it's normal to feel this way, but I wish it would go away!