Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Monica on September 14, 2014 at 4:43pm

Hello Chris, I'm sure your mother loved you just as much if not more than you know. It is in fact very natural to cry especially all day if necessary. It's the way you yourself are dealing with the ebb and flow of emotions through such a deep loss.

It has been 3.5 years since my father passed away and we too were very close. I can only speak for myself, but the first year after his passing was a big blur since I took care of him and all of a sudden it stopped and it was a big change. But once I realized that he was free and understanding what a rich and meaningful time I had spent with him during his life meant I could also let go of the pain that was attached with his years of suffering.

Everyone grieves differently so if you find yourself crying all day then just let it happen. Acknowledging moments as they happen wether good or bad helps you see a little more clearly as you move forward. Getting lost in a loss is tough. Stay positive, write, meditate, draw, exercise- as long as you get it out, you can keep moving forward.

-M

Permalink Reply by Betsy Arnold on September 14, 2014 at 11:05pm

Hi Chris,

     I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It is definitely okay to release our emotions, in fact, it can be a cleansing release. I wish I could release mine now, but I haven't been able to. I lost my Dad almost 16 years ago, a close friend 7 years ago, my husband 5 years ago, and my Mom less than two months ago and I grieved in different ways for each of them. With my Dad, I cried a lot after his passing,  but didn't have a lot of time to grieve because my husband was very sick and almost died then and I was taking care of him. I cried for some for my friend, but again, didn't have time to really grieve because my husband was diagnosed with cancer right after, had a stem cell transplant, and died two years later. I had been his caregiver, and he knew he wasn't going to live a long life because of rare blood diseases along with the cancer. He tried to prepare me the best he could for the stem cell transplant to fail, but I didn't want to believe it was going to happen. He tried his best to prepare me for his death, but I didn't want to accept it. I lost the love of my life and he was so positive about life and everything and even in his death, he taught so many people how to live, and how to die. I've gone on with my life in some ways only because I've had to, but I haven't dated anyone at all, and it will be 5 years October 31. My Mom's death was completely unexpected. She'd been battling COPD for the last two years, but that wasn't what took her life. A week before she died, we found out she had liver cancer. We had her home on hospice for 5 days, and she died. I was her primary caregiver, as I was my husband's primary caregiver. Those were my "jobs" as I only had part-time jobs so I could be there for them when they needed me. I am still in shock about her death. My heart and my brain haven't processed things enough to let me cry. But my body is dealing with it. I've lost 15 pounds and a lot of blood...from the trauma of losing my Mom so unexpectedly. I want so much to cry...to have that release. I realize that I need to let myself do that. My pastor had a good answer about that...that I have just grieved so much over the last 7 years, that I am exhausted. It doesn't mean I don't love and miss my Mom. I definitely do. She and my husband were my life. So was my Dad. I'm 50 years old, have no children, and my husband and my parents, who were all of my life, are gone and I have to start over. If that isn't something for me to cry about, I don't know what is.  I'm really sorry...I didn't mean to ramble on. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Those triggers that bring tears come when we least expect it and it's okay to let it out. I am finding out the hard way how bad it is to keep everything in. You are in my thoughts.

                                            Betsy

Permalink Reply by Sandi on September 14, 2014 at 11:06pm

Chris I know exactly what you are talking about. At 12:15 am it will be 12 weeks that I lost my husband to cancer. I lost my mom in 2005 & I thought I would never recover. I can't honestly comment on a day of crying because that's what my nights consist of. My husband was the only one who could get me through it & he did. I am so saturated in grief & the only one who can make it better is my husband who all my pain is for. I wish I could give you the golden answer when it will get better but I can't. Everyone seems to have the answers about how long you should grieve. Ironically most of them have never lost anyone! I wish there was a magic cure but there isn't. Please know that you are one of many that are consumed with pain & longing. My husband & I were married for 38 years & I never knew someone could endure this kind of pain but it seems like God won't let me die to be with him. Just know that you are not alone. There are more people then you can guess who have a similar pain.
Kindest Regards,
Sandi

Permalink Reply by Shirley on September 28, 2014 at 9:50pm

Hello Chris, 

Going to try and answer your question as far as I am concerned. Lost my first husband in Sept 1969 with Lung Cancer.  He was only 38. We had four small children that was left without their Dad.   Tears helped me get through about six months and it dawned on me that I had kids to raise. It is okay to ask for help and talk with others who have experienced the same as we have. We do draw strength and comfort as we cross hurdles in our lifetime. Got all my children raised, and now have Grand kids by each of them... Skipping into 1999.  I married again and we had 15 years together. Both of us were a lot older and somewhat  smarter than my day in 1969.  He first got  Cancer of the Prostrate in 2000, treated, got Lung cancer in 2008 treated, second Lung cancer appeared in 2012, could not have any more treatments and the Cancer jumped into the right side of his brain in March 2014, then on to the spine  and he passed this past April 29 2014. Never dreamed I would have to repeat the loss of a second love with the same illness... Tears again  and trying to get through each day has gotten easier as each day  passes. It is now five months and the Comfort and Strength, Support Groups and talking with others have helped me once again. We love our loved ones and hate to have to let them go, but cannot question what Fate hands us. I know where my loved ones are and hope to join them in the near future.  I do so hope my words will help you as you go forward day by day.