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Permalink Reply by Lilly pizer on April 29, 2010 at 6:22pm

Keep it on the back burner, maybe someday you will want too. Writing things out can help you come to terms with things... or just say things you need to say. Exploring how you really feel about all that you went (and are still going through) can be cathartic, but may also be too much for you right now. Its amazing, how you will know when the time is right, you wont need to ask other people b/c you will know if you are ready. When my husband died, I just wanted to sleep all the time b/c I wanted to dream about him, I wanted to see him again and I prayed and prayed that I would be able to see him in my dreams even though it wasnt real it would feel real and I could pretend and just have a little bit of him back even if it was just a dream...but I didn't dream about him for 3 years. No matter how bad I wanted to.... Then one day I just started seeing him again in my dreams...I have chalked it up to mean a certain amount of healing had to take place in order for that to happen. Maybe that is the same for you. Just my thoughts....

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on April 29, 2010 at 7:11pm

This is hard to answer. I'd like to relive the experience to have my mom back with me again and for things to be temporarily back to normal. Its weird even though she had cancer and was sick as long as she was still alive things still felt normal. The day she died everything changed. I had my mom my entire life and she wasn't just my mom, but my best friend in the whole world. She was everything to me. I called her 10 times a day and counted on her so much for advice and everything. The day she died, a piece of me died. Although it would be awesome to have her back, reliving the experience would be so difficult. It was so hard at the time and I was going off of pure adrenaline and drive to do everything I could to make her better. Anything I thought might help, I would buy or research. If I knew then that none of that would work and that she wasn't going to make it, I think I would have ended up in a mental home. Hanging onto the hope that she was going to make it and hearing her say she would beat it got me through some of the roughest times. In December my mom took a turn for the worse and I knew the end was near when she didn't remember it was my birthday when I went to visit her. I had called her that morning and she had told me happy birthday, but later in the day she never remembered any of that. I think seeing her mind go like that was the most painful thing I will ever have to go through. My smart, witty and articulate 55 year old mom could barely speak. The pain of seeing her go down like that was unbearable and I don't know how I got through it. On the day of her funeral, I wanted to hold her one more time. She gave me a sachet of Rose of Sharon dried roses, she had one, I had one. It was a closed casket service, but they opened the casket for me and I kissed her check and placed the sachet in her hand. I wanted her to have hers and for me to have mine forever. I am glad I did that, but now I have a hard time getting that picture and the feel of her cold cheek out of my head. Despite it being hard I spoke at her funeral b/c I wanted to express just how much I loved her and how incredible she was. I didn't want people to forget just how special she was. Looking back I don't know how I had the energy, strength or courage to do any of that. My mom passed away on Jan 22 and that is the worse day of my life. I don't want to go back to that. I'd like to go back to 4 years ago when she and I were both perfectly healthy and on our girls trip to Maine...those are the things I wish I could go back to and enjoy. Sorry about this novel and this doesn't really answer your question, but it helped for me to get some of this off my chest. I will keep you in my prayers. I know God carried me through her diesease and I know he is carrying me now. I pray the Holy Spirit wraps his arms around you and comforts you during this time. Hugs ((((())))))K

Permalink Reply by Paige Anne Lovelace on May 12, 2010 at 3:59pm

I can't honestly say if I would or not. My mom's death was so hard on me. Her illness was so hard on me I am not sure if I am strong enough to do the grief all over again when I haven't finished it in the first place. I would fall apart I am sure because I fell apart the first time it happened.