Hi,

My best friend died 17 days ago. He was my only friend and an alcoholic. He drank because of deep emotional pain that he was not able to deal with. I understood that about him. I know he had struggles to do the right thing, I know that he did not want to drink, he just did not know how to deal with the pain so it was easier to drink the pain away and that is how he chose to numb himself. I understand that. Upon reflection after his death I realised how deep his emotional pain truly was.

My best friend was a very good man as well as a very gentle man and he loved me very much. I loved him very much too. We were there for each other through the good times and the bad times. We supported each other, had long talks about lots of different things, we learnt a lot off each other and I could not have asked for a better friend. He was a big man with an even bigger heart which sadly many times people would take advantage of his good nature which really upset me a lot. I am happy that in our friendship I was the kind of friend that never took advantage of that and was always so honest with him and always followed through on what I promised him.

I am so glad that I gave him the gift of my friendship and I was very loyal to my friend no matter what. I will carry my loyalty to him throughout my life. I am also so happy for the friendship he gave me and for the beautiful time we shared together. My friend was an alcoholic but he achieved so much good in his life. Him and I never argued and when we had a grievance withone another which was so very rare we could talk about it with each other openly and honestly and get it sorted out very quickly and move on from it. Our friendship was so good and it is very hard to find friendships such as this in ones life.

He was a well known athlete that made many achievements in different sports, he was very very smart and became a bank manager after just one year. He had the love of God in his heart. He was deeply sensitive and would give the shirt off his back to anyone even if it was the last thing he had. He had two beautiful children whom he loved deeply yet was sad as he felt he had failed them as a father and that tore him to pieces. In my heart he was still a very good father regardless of his alcoholism. I know he loved his children. He would help anyone out in need when he saw there struggles. He always had a kind word to say. He loved flowers,animlas, birds and nature. He was a fantastic story teller and prankster, something we both shared. He made me laugh, he made me cry, he made me sad, he made me happy, he made me angry but I loved him dearly the whole time. We understood one another.

There is an emptiness in my life now that I need to fill and it is a big space to fill. The only way I can fill some of it now is by remembering him and I will never be able to forget him. He had too much of an impact in my life and he was so precious to me.

We had a deep bond and love for one another. It was purely platonic. I am absolutely devastated by his passing. It was sudden and unexpected. Although he was ill I did not see it coming. I have no words to describe the pain I feel and I have literally gone crazy. My best friend died at home where we lived together and I am currently still living where he died which makes things even harder. I know it is not helathy for me to be here anymore but for many reasons I cannot leave. I am in the midst of grief and everyone really knows how stressful a move can be.

Leaving this house when I do is going to be hard. I feel that even though it is best for me to go, I will be losing him again because he is all over this house. I am aware I feel that way because I ahve not accepted his passing yet and not sure when I will accept it. For me it is hard to accept it now. I can tell myself he is gone now and is not coming back but believing that is another story. Some days I struggle to want to even get up let alone find somewhere else to live. My grief has totally consumed me. I am so angry and upset with myself that all the while I was at home he had passed away and I did not know it. It was one time I could not save him.

Three months prior to his passing my friend had a period of sobriety. It was so good to have my friend back again. We shared some beautiful times together. Times of tears, happiness, sadness, laughter, joy, deep and meaningful talks, doing things together, sharing about our life, the good and the horrible. He got back into healthy eating, he got cleared to go back to work as bank manager, he was weight lifting again as he wanted to compete again, he started taking care of himself and we started watching movies together again, he started to live again. I told him often how proud I was of him and how well he was doing. He was my rock. I am so grateful for that three months with him that I had yet sad I get no more special time with him ever again.

The week before he passed away he was in hospital twice and it was serious. I was with him both times he was in hospital. I remember our conversations in hospital and the last time I was in hospital I knew there was just nothing more I could do for him. I ahd done everythingI possibly could, many people have said to me I went far and above what any friend would do but I think to myself that itis odd that a friend would not do this for their friend. My friend in the end was helpless literally. He was having a lot of falls, he could not even shower himself or sometimes even make it to a toilet. He was completely not well. How could I leave him and live with that. I could not.

All I could manage to say at one point when he looked at me with so much sorrow and guilt was God still loves you and I held his hand. It was so very hard to see my friend that way and I wished he would get better.  I am feeling angry with the hospital, very angry. I guess I am looking for someone to blame for his death but really what purpose would it serve, it would not bring him back or change anything. In saying that though I feel they were negligent in there duties and that I am not OK with. 

On the day he died his ex wife found him and ran down the stairs calling out my name, thankfully I was out the back and came inside. She said I think Jan's dead. I looked at her and I just SCREAMED. I started to shake, in hindsight I screamed because of such a sudden shock. I had only been in his room an hour before and it dawned on me that I did not find him. It was all so fast and my head seemed to work that out in a matter of seconds. I was in massive shock. My head told me that he was gone when I saw him but it would not accept it. The ambulance seemed to take forever to come and in my mind I was thinking the whole time when they get here he is going to be ok, they will bring him back and he will be ok. When the ambulance got here and did nothing, I just did not know what to do. I just walked out of his room. I was still in deep shock and wanted to scream. I really had no idea what to do with myself.

I know the police have a job to do and they were doing that job, however I did not make a very good statement that day. Who would in those circumstances? I was a real mess. It was a one page statement saying very little. A few days after my friends passing, I rang the police officer in charge of investigating my friends death and told him I wanted to re do my statement. I made my original statement under duress and I felt that it was not all the evidence I wanted to give. I wanted to do that for my friend. I did not want to live with it on my own conscience that I did not do something properly.

A few days later I went in ad re did my statement, end result 4 pages long. It was so hard to do and I had to just turn my emotions off and do it. I felt relieved and I am glad I did it even though it was hard. I wanted a proper investigation done. I am not sure if there will be an inquiry but the coroner is investigating. The autopsy hass been done and it will not be for another six months till I know how he passed away. COD unknown at the moment.

I still do not know what to do with myself really. I have not accepted his passing yet. I keep thinking he is going to come home anytime now. I really struggle deeply without him. There was no warning, it just happened. I don't think even he knew it was going to happen. I say this because he was talking about a future. People that talk about a future arent thinking about dying. Sometimes when I go out I forget he is not going to be home when I get there and then I remember. Sometimes I pretend it has not happened so I don't have to deal with my own pain but that is not working anymore. I have to face this.

It is hard, many things are hard. When mail comes pretty much everyday for him and he cannot read it and I cannot tell people he has passed away. When a delivery came for him of a book he had ordered. When people ring and leave messages on the home answering machine. When bit by bit the family comes and takes things that are a memory for him and I. The plans we spoke of that I wont get to do with him now. When  I look at his car and think about the times we wnt somewhere together, celebrating him getting his licence back. Millions of memories. I miss him so much every single day. Last night I put up the Christmas tree and I just wished he was there as we had spoken of putting it up. I do things everyday that honor my friend, I guess it is my way of keeping his memory alive and letting him know in my own way that I miss him and even though he is not here I still do things for him that I know he would appreciate. I have a shrine in my own room and that space is dedicated to him, filled with things that mean things to me and of our time together.

Even though I have written this and seemed quite with it, I am not with it really. I have had loss in my life however this is very different this time around. Each loss is different and this loss has affected me in a way that I have never experienced before. Everything is different to me. My inner world, my outer world, my beliefs, what I want to change about me, about my life, about how I live, what I do, what is important, what is not important, how to take care of myself during this time and how to deal with such intense grief. I know that no one can fix this or nothing can fix this but time. I do not know how much time and every day is hard. At this point I am existing but I am not really living. How do you live when your whole world gets ripped out from underneath you?