So i lost my baby sister two weeks ago. She had just turned 18 this year. She was trying to throw money to a friend in need from the edge of the terrace which had no boundary, at night. She lost balance and fell down three floors to probably die on the spot. I was inside my room, she didn't tell me that she's going out to the terrace. 10mins ago she was playing the piano, and the next thing i know, the cops are questioning me about the *deceased*. Oh, how I hate that word.

So I saw it all. Her cremation. Mom crying uncontrollably. But I didn't. I didn't cry properly for a week. I was guilty, confused and most of all, I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. It seemed like a bad dream that I'd wake up from. Actually, a few years ago, I had a dream where my sister died in the same manner. I didn't pay much attention to my dream because my dreams have never meant anything. Now my worst nightmare has actually come true.

For the past week, I manage to be normal around people, I try to keep myself occupied. But when I'm alone, it hits me really hard. Like when I'm sitting in my car or when I'm in bed at night and I can't fall asleep. I cry and I miss her like fuck. She was just 18, but she was so special, so different, she had a hold on my heart. She was my absolute fave person on this planet, and my best friend. I loved every little thing she did, I loved her tiny hands, the sound she made when she had a cold... I loved her like I've never loved anyone else. I used to call her *kitten*. Since childhood, we'd always been inseparable. We'd fight but we always had each others back. It was like US against the world. She was a darling lil creature, but she usually wasn't very happy. She's known many people in her life, and most of em have hurt her, so she took to smoking and drinking to lessen her pain. She was innocent though, she always tried to help others, she died helping a friend with money. She'd told me that she's been hurt a lot and that she didn't want to be born in the first place and that she was gonna have an early death. I don't know how she knew, but she just did. Although she was happy during the few days before she passed away. I guess God decided to end her pain, and I'm sure she's at peace now, finally. I know you're happy, my lil kid.

But she was my companion, the person who was supposed to be there with me forever. We were supposed to rock the world together. We had so many plans. I feel really lonely now, and the thing is - no one can replace her. She was so different, I've never known anyone like her. I can't bring myself to express my feelings completely right now, I am scared of the moments when realization hits me and I get desperate to get her back and I ask myself "How can I live in a world without her? Where is she? Surely I'm gonna see her again? She can't just leave me alone like this?" 

I hate every second that passes by, because that means I'm another second away from the last time that I saw her. I want my memories with her to last forever, to never fade even slightly. Right now I can completely picture her in front of me, and I fear that I might not be able to, someday. But I know I love her, I loved her like crazy. And I know she loved me too, she was my baby.

I don't know how I'm gonna face this. She was the person I faced everything with. And now I have to face the bitter truth that I'm never going to see her again, and God knows how my family is gonna go on now. 

I've lost faith in anything and everything, and my optimism has been questioned. I constantly have strange thoughts about death. This is it huh? The turning point in my life? Its never ever going to be the same, is it? I know I will never be the same again. And neither will my family. Mom's heartbroken.

And I hate seeing the world move on. It does move on. Normal people don't understand me, they don't get it. Okay, they're sympathetic and everything, but only I know how bad it hurts. I decided to look for people who'd understand me and what I'm going through, and so I'm here. Will put down all the other associated thoughts later.

I love you little sister, I know you're looking out for me. <3