Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on November 9, 2011 at 10:58am

Dear Kristy,

Your loss is gigantic and certainly VERY VERY painful. I los the only person I had in the world - my darling mother Nancy Preston June 26, 2011. She was my everything. She died of complications of chemo therapy secondary to throat cancer.

My life is so empty and I am so alone in the world. My mother is no longer suffering. She is in a beautiful place - The Garden of Souls is what George Anderson (get the book) calls it. Life on earth is just the beginning. We are all here to suffer, love, be humbled, be hurt, be loved, be abandoned...it is all about learning. You sister did not ask to be bi-polar. I know bi-polar as I had a niece that was very ill. I don't even know where she is now adays. But she lived with my for about 2 years. It is a horrible disease. You sister didn't say - I want to be bi-polar anymore than my mom asked to have cancer. It was part of their journey. Just like YOU suffering from her death is part of yours. Your life is forever changed. It is different. Take the rest of your life and do something meaningful. When it's your time and you have earned your way to heaven - you will be reunited with her. Her illiness controlled her thoughts. Therefore her suicide was not her fault. Love Sue

Permalink Reply by Kristy Fast on November 9, 2011 at 11:08am

Sue,

My deepest sympathy to you for your mother. I have to agree with you that her suicide was not her fault, and that is why I am not mad at her. I have helped her for all of our lives with her depression and bi-polar. It is comforting to know that there is someone like you who can tell me that it really is not her fault, instead of everyone telling me, "she had a choice to do this or not". I will look into George Anderson and his book. A friend of mine has written a book  and does seminars about his experience with passing, seeing heaven, and coming back. I feel comfort knowing she is happy, feels no hurt or angry; but pure bliss.

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on November 9, 2011 at 12:05pm

Hi,

George Anderson puts things into perspective for me. There are many unanswered questions we all have that we will get answers to when we are permitted to pass on to the next world. Your sister suffered from a disease - called mental illiness. It is a disease very few people recognized as a disease. Bipolar disease is one of the worst mental illinesses EVER. Very misunderstood. My niece - borderline personality and bi-polar. Comfort yourself that your sister is NO LONGER ill with this horrible disease. She is free from all of the demons and mosters that tried to make her life miserable. To be honest ...I think many of us have thought about suicide when our times were dark...because we are able to better manage our thoughts - we  did not follow through with our "plans". Suffering is something we must experience to appreciate and acknowledge the good things that God puts before us. Our bodies and minds are constantly being pulled by both good and evil. It is not always a "choice" for us to make. Evil is real. Hell is real. Heaven is real. Otherwise - what the hell is life all about? I am 55 years old and have experience LOSS quit a bit. I have also been given love, understanding, been shown compassion by many, been hated too I am sad to say....The love my mom has for me (she still loves me and she is still my mother) - that was the purest most wonderful thing ever. God made you the stronger of the two for a reason. Think about that. You took care of her and loved her for her entire life. Now it is your "time" to find your purpose for still being here. You have a passion inside of you. I can feel it in how you use your words. You and I are left behind to mourn and grieve. They are the lucky ones. Have your heart and mind open and your purpose will come to YOU.

Love Sue

Permalink Reply by Denise Murphy on November 10, 2011 at 10:30am

Hi Kristy,

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss, I believe she had a disease called mental illness and just needed the pain to stop.   Remember the love you shared, the good times you had and all the long conversations, one day this will bring you comfort.  Its great that you journal that helps relieve stress, I too lost a sister suddenly, she died in her sleep massive heart attack, she was 41 years old.  One of the first things I did was write her a letter expressing my feelings heart to heart.  I went to the library and borrowed many books on the grief process as it related to our relationship.  That help me a great deal because it made me realize I wasn't alone or crazy in the feelings I was experiencing.  She's been gone since July of 2010 and I am learning to live with it, I will never get over it.  I heard someone say to be grateful that they were in your life and still are because of the love you shared.  It made me realize my sister had two young children ages 9 & 10, everytime I saw them I would think she should be here.  I'm sure they picked up on that regret even though I tried not to show my feelings.  Now I try to think they were so lucky to have had her as a mom and still do because of the love they share.  They easily talk about her, share funny stories, she is part of who they are.  Let yourself grieve for as long as it takes, everyone grieve's differently.  Try to find someone you can share your feelings with, it helps to tell your story we all need that.  You came to the right place, people here are kind and compassionate and will not judge.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

God Bless,

Denise

Permalink Reply by Kristy Fast on November 10, 2011 at 11:23am

Denise,

 

Wow, your sister was so young when she had her heart attack. I am so very sorry to hear about the suddeness of your deepest loss. My sister has children also,  my niece turned 15 years old exactly 1 week after my sister died, and my nephew is 12 years old. She was also married for 16 years. I learned about the journaling when a close friend of mine and my husband suddenly died also from a heartattack in his sleep in 2010. His wife was torn apart, and my mother in law told me to suggest to her the journal, so I used that when my sister died. I feel this site will be as comforting as you expressed, puts a smile on my face. :)

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on November 10, 2011 at 11:08am

Dear Kristy,

How are you doing today? Sue

Permalink Reply by Kristy Fast on November 10, 2011 at 11:54am

Sue,

I agree that bi-polar, depression, and any other mental illness is a disease that is not understood as deeply as it should be. In 2005, I was documented as manic depressive with dementia tendancies, but yet mental help is not as available as one would think! I too, feel as if, I have a deep meaningful purpose on earth. I love to help people and children. I am in college for my ultimate career choice as a CPS social worker, but now I feel as if I should do something with mental health. My husband stated once, "don't change your career path because of something you feel right now". That kinda hurt.

 

As far as today goes, it is a big struggle. There is no school today, and I mostly refuse to cry in front of my 7 year old son, and today is 2 month since her passing. I went to one of my groups last night, and though I love going to them, last night I just felt like I was not walking away happy. Everyone just kept saying they refuse to be surrounded by negativity and negative thoughts. I came home to an e-mail from a lady whom I contacted with a group called Clear View (a therapy center for one on one care). She stated that for someone like me being "so new" one on one care is a better choice, because I will tend to walk away from group feeling worse, and it was exactly how I felt last night, so weird.