I lost my 18 Year old Sister to Cancer on May 14, 2014. This day has changed me forever, I wasn't and still aren't the same person I was. When we first found out that she had cancer - we knew that time was very precious. At first it was rough on so many levels, she started losing hair - instead of watching her hair fall out she decided she wanted to just shave it and get it over with. I loved her beautiful bald head and sometimes we'd call it "Peach fuzz" haha. She needed humor to look on the brighter side of things. Soon enough she was being made fun of at school, people would make comments. If only I was a teenager for just a little while, I surely would have taken care of that problem in heart beat. I know that's not the answer to the problem - but its surely what I had in mind. 

After awhile Sarah couldn't go to school because her treatments. But by damn she still did all of her work on time while feeling crappy and stuck at home in bed. She worked so hard, kept in contact with all her teachers to make sure things got done. I was so proud of her and how much she accomplished during her difficult times, she worked so hard for what she wanted. Having her diploma was very important to her, she wanted to be able to cross that off her bucket list and she did!

I could talk about my little sister for hours and tell you all the things that we've had to endure or what she had to go through. But for right now, I am STILL struggling after 2 years, I still feel what I felt the day she passed away. The pain, the thoughts, the images in my head, the smells, the memories, EVERYTHING about Sarah - it never leaves my mind. My mind is still so wrapped around by the thought of her, and this exhausting journey without her is draining. Apart of me still believes that she's just on a really long trip far far away and eventually she'll come back. But then it's like reality hits me all over again and pushes me back down.

I miss her dearly, and recently I found out if you see 11:11 on the clock or just randomly see the numbers together somewhere that it means that it's your angel. I'm not sure how true that is, but I do see 11:11 at least once a day - and I could be doing ANYTHING but always managing to see those numbers. Its crazy, but cool at the same time. So being told that, kind of gives me a little comfort. But at the same time, I feel that its not enough. I want more, I want her to come into my dreams and visit (I've had family say that they've dreamed about Sarah). I am ever so jealous of them, I have yet to dream about Sarah - I want to hear her, I want to see her smile, I want to hear her laugh, I want to hug her and catch up with her. She was my human walking diary, she was my other half, She was my person. I know I'm not alone and I have people that love me and care for me - but I've never felt so alone in my entire life now that she's gone.

Like I said, I could talk for hours about my sister - But life calls and I must go lol. I'm hoping that these groups will help me, seeing as how I really don't have the greatest support system. And talking, writing - helps me so things don't build up because I HAVE to talk about her in order to survive this. Everyone is living their lives and here I am......lost. I lost myself and I'm trying to get her back. 

<3 <3

~Amber