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Comment by Erin on April 25, 2023 at 3:32pm

Thank you so much Nicky, that is a perfect way to put it, "you lose you past and your future".  You hit the nail on the head.  I appreciate your reaching and may take you up on reaching out when I need to.  Thank you for responding.  I really appreciate it.

Erin

Comment by Nicky Hutcheson on April 25, 2023 at 9:53am

Hi Erin

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is, I am sure, very raw as it is very early days still. When I lost my sister, I read somewhere that when you lose a sibling, you lose your past and your future. Your sibling is the one that knew everything before and, in the usual stream of things, would know everything after as your grow older together so it is really a double whammy. Although I still have my parents and we are very close, if you ever need to reach out and chat, please do. The grief journey is complex and a real rollercoaster, as I am sure you know. The most important thing is to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel. Take good care. X

Comment by Erin on April 24, 2023 at 6:57pm

I lost my only brother, my only sibling,4/14/23. I am the sole survivor of my family of origin. Our father passed away in 2010 and our mother passed away in 2020 (non-covid related), I am grateful that my brother was able to help me grieve those losses, I am really struggling as to how I grieve his loss without him. I am “only” 52 and to think of the rest of my life without anyone left who remembers me as a baby, or the stories we shared with and without our parents, to not have one of the 3 left if I need to talk, need help, or guidance or just to share joy with anymore. Not many people truly understand where I am coming from, because most people my age still may have both parents, or 1 parent, all of their siblings or some of their siblings. There’s just some solace even as a 52 year old woman to know there was one person on the planet that knew my back-story and would always have my back no matter what, in a way only a parent or sibling can. Sometimes when I think about the gravity of this loss, the pain and loneliness take my breath away. Most of the information I can find on-line is geared to elderly people who have lost their last sibling. I haven’t been able to find much coping info on mid-lifers or younger who find themselves as the “last ‘man’ standing” of their family of origin, so to speak. I hope more people will join that I can connect with, no one really understands what this is like.
Thank you,

Erin

Comment by Sarah C. on November 3, 2017 at 2:12am

My brother, sister, and dog died in a murder-suicide a year ago when I was 19. I'm 21 now and it feels like some things just get worse with time. I never get to see my brother go to college or my sister go to prom. There's just this deafening silence of them not being there. I am lonely a lot without my siblings. It's so exhausting to deal with this everyday. Nobody I know is going through something like this, something that literally is so traumatic and rips your whole life apart. My parents aren't really in my life very much. I just don't know if I'll ever feel okay again. It seems that as much as I try to get better and fill my life with people I still end up empty and feel alone in the end. 

Comment by HollowHeart on May 4, 2016 at 11:02am

Patricia, thank you. It's truly a new miserable world without her. All I can think about everyday is the unfairness of it. I'm still in shock and can't truly believe she is gone, but to some people I don't say that. I've been on a couple of forums and said that and they just want to analyze that and make me feel like something is wrong with me because I'm in denial. Whatever. I"m fucking miserable on a daily basis. I talked to her more than anyone in her life or my life. We talked EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don't think anyone realizes just how horrible this is for me. It is absolutely unbearable and this feeling will never go away.  In 10 years I know I will feel the same way because I have nothing else going on in my life. 

But it's good to talk to others mourning siblings because I don't think people think that's as much as a tragedy as losing a spouse or parent or child. Our pain is always overlooked.

Comment by Patricia on May 3, 2016 at 8:18am

Hoolow Heart, I lost my sister and truly my best friend one year ago. The entire year is a blur of pain. I was doing a little better until the anniversary, then not so good again. I have a friend who lost a brother 20 years ago and she told me it takes a year or two. So I guess it will take me two. I know what you mean when say no one will ever know you like your sister.she and I both had degrees of n biology, no one else understands the look that passed between is when one Christmas we watched a flock of roseate spoonbills take flight, or warched a cloud of moths in the moonlight. That's just an example. We had so much more in common. After she passed I was so angry, and angry at other family members for reaons I won't get into. But, what I found most helpful over the last year and a half is going to the gum. It's the only thing that has consistently helped me. The booze and drugs are temporary and often made me feel worse. At the gym I am in my own little world, there are people but they keep a respectful distance and do their own thing. I take out my anger and frustration on the weights. It's just an hour a day. I'm stronger, and I know she would want me to be. Things will never be the same, but we have to try and make a new life without them. Good luck.

Comment by HollowHeart on May 2, 2016 at 12:46pm

It's very hard to find a discussion group for siblings that is very active. If you have lost a spouse or parent you are always in luck, those are always active. You are right that losing a sibling is worse than people think it is. Your sibling is with you your entire life, just like your parents, but for most you are closer to your siblings.

I lost my older sister and I think I'm losing my mind on a daily basis. Everyone things I'm "doing better" because it's been some months, but I'm getting worse. Basically, everyone else has moved on or don't want to bring it up. We were together all the time and basically did everything together. She was my main social hub, the one I hung out with, so without her I have no outlet. I have nothing.  I'm seeing a counselor and she wants me to go to meet up and such. I have looked into it and even joined some but overall it's just depressing. I want what I can never have again. The comfort and ease of being with someone that gets me and knows me. She knew what I liked and always looked out for me. It was fun to have someone care like that.

I know people and I would talk about certain favorite things all the time, yet they would be clueless if I said something like "oh why didn't you get that for me. You know that's my favorite?" They go "It is? I didn't know" and it would be something that I bring up multiple times a day. She knew and remembered and if she saw something like that it would job her memory that it was my favorite. I will never have anyone that will think about me like that again. I would do the same for her, and now I have no one to do that for. Actually, I would do it for other people, but don't give a shit now. No one would think of me like that, so I don't care about anyone else. I'm just miserable. I'm tired of having no one to talk to, no one to make plans with. I only really have my Ma, but she is old and she's my Ma. I don't even want to hang out with her like that. She don't want to do what I want to do. Life is just miserable now.

Comment by tiffiny on April 26, 2015 at 8:37pm

His family sent flowers to the funeral but they didnt show up. The only one in the car that night that showed up was the girl that was in the back with him, but she didnt stay long, she didnt want to talk to us. But none of thr other kids came. I am doing a little bettet with being angry, i dont like talking about the driver much, in a way i blame him but at the same time i know it really wasnt his fault. And yea i am sure it was a reaction to surve. I also got upset after the girl told us she went and knocked on doors to get someone to help and no one answered their doors. But we did find out that a nurse who was off duty amd a firefighter who was also off duty stopped and called it in, and the nurse posted on the funeral home site said she stayed with andrew till the ems got there, and she done cpr on him twice before they got there, and we where thankful for that. It's hard and i am still trying to take it one day at a time.

Comment by Gabrielle on April 26, 2015 at 5:36pm

Hi Tiffiny,

Yes I can see why you're angry, especially because just the simple action of putting on a seatbelt (like he always did) may have saved his life. I guess possibly the driver swerving was an immediate reaction and unfortunately he probably had no time to think about what he was doing, otherwise I'm sure he would have done whatever had the best chances for everyone in the car. Of course I'm just speculating and have no idea about the details of the accident- how fast the driver was going etc. Does he feel remorse for what happened? Has he spoken to you personally about it? Was he close to your brother?

The circumstances around my sisters' death means that I've also experienced a lot of anger. It was through negligence and careless mistakes that she died. She was the only innocent party in the whole sorry mess. No matter how angry I get the outcome is always the same: she's dead, she's not coming back. No matter how many times I run over the 'What ifs' and 'Whys', I can't change a bloody thing. I understand your heartache xx 

Comment by tiffiny on April 23, 2015 at 1:37pm

Gabrielle, yes it's hard. Everyone else in the car with Andrew came out with Concussions or a couple of broken bones. What upsets me the most is that he didn't have his seat belt on which is unlikely for him, he never went without one on. But we still don't know what exactly happened and how he got the worse of it. I am just upset at the driver mostly because everyone knows if there is ice on the road and a deer jumps in front of you, you don't try to miss it, you hit it, even if it messes up the car but at least everyone including my brother would have been ok. I am still dealing, and still trying to forgive the driver and my brother for not having a seatbelt on. And it's ok about my name, most people spell it wrong. 

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