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Comment by Martha Moreno on January 10, 2011 at 3:47pm

Dad died of pancreatic cancer.  I get sudden bursts of grief at what seems like less than moment's notice.  I call it emotional narcolepsy.  I just wish it would go away.  Most people would not understand this, so I put myself under great stress to stifle it.  It's awful.  I fear I'll have a heart attack in the process.  Any thoughts?

Comment by Martha Moreno on January 10, 2011 at 3:44pm

It's difficult when the second parent dies.  I have mixed bittersweet feelings for Dad because he enabled my mother's alcoholism and drug abuse and did nothing to keep her abuse from us.  Any suggestions for reconciling this, for reducing the turmoil?

Comment by Colleen Grady on December 29, 2010 at 9:47pm

Hi Everyone,

Well, I've posted before in the I Miss My Dad Group and the Orphaned Adults group.  Some background on my grief story.  November 3, 2009 I lost my dad after he had a massive stroke.  He had his stroke on October 30th and was rushed to the hospital, but never woke up.  I'm orginally from Canada but live in Philadelphia.  I was able to get home and spend those last four days by his bedside, tell him that I'd be ok if he had to go and held his hand as he took his last breath.  I've never really been able to tell people truly what that felt like.  To tell one of the people you love most in the world that it was ok if they had to go.  I felt like my world had stopped turning.  My hero, one of my best friends was gone.  I was angry, upset and didn't know how to go on.  Once I came back to Philly I spoke to my mom several times a week, worried if she was ok or not.  On May 3rd, six months to the day from my dads death, my brother called me early in the morning.  I thought he was calling to see how I was doing since it was the six month anniversary of dad's death...well little did I know that my whole world was about to be torn apart...even more.  Mom had been rushed to the hospital with shortness of breath.  I was back home in Canada by that afternoon, when my mom learned she had a mass in her lungs that they felt was cancer.  She was to weak to have surgery to be sure.  The next day she seemed confused and in a significant amount of pain.  After more tests, they confirmed that the mass in her lungs must be cancer because it was now in her brain and her bones.  I just couldn't believe it!  She had been swimming with her brother 2 days prior to being rushed to the hospital!  On May 8, 2010 my mom passed away.  Someone else posted that their mother passed away because she wanted to.  I believe that to be true of my mother as well.  She and my dad had been together 60 years and I really believe she died of a broken heart.  She said, the night before she died in one of her few coherent moments "I just want to go and be with my love and if the fat lady has to sing, let her sing".  So once again, 6 months and 5 days later, I told my other best friend that I'd be ok if she had to go.  I was by her side as she took her last breath, just like with Dad.  So, Dad has been gone 13 months and mom 7 months and I just still feel so lost and alone.  I just can't believe that they are both gone.  I miss them so much.  Sometimes it hits me so hard that it takes my breath away.  I can't seem to find much pleasure in anything...work, spending time with friends...nothing.  The holidays have made it all seem like it's just all happened all over again.  On good days I can be thankful for some things.  I'm thankful that both of my parents lived until they died...that sounds silly, but I'm thankful that they didn't end up not knowing me or anything like that.  I'm also thankful that I feel like if it is possible for someone to have a beautiful death, they both had that.  There was no suffering really and they were both surrounded by everyone that loved them.  Although I would say I more spiritual than religious, I know, without a doubt that God was there in the room with them, guiding them up to heaven.  I could see in my mom's last hours that she was waiting for Dad to come and get her.  Some amazing things happened in that hospital room.  She kept looking out the window and then at the clock as if wondering if it was time for him to come yet.  My brother was holding her hand right til the end.  He said "I guess he can't come and take her hand until I let go".  He let go of her hand and that was when she took her last breath.  When my dad died, my brother was stroking my dad's forehead and I was holding his hand.  At the exact same time we said "mom come here".  It was when he took his second to last breath and mom came over next to him as he took his last breath.  I'm thankful for both of these things and can't explain to people how profoundly those events have affected me....so I guess that's what I mean by having "beautiful deaths".  It's so hard to talk to people about these things because I feel like everyone thinks that I should have moved on by now.  I feel like I will never be the same again and that this pain will never ever be gone.  I know you all understand how this feels and even just typing all this seems a little comforting.  Thank you for listening.

 

Comment by Rachel Moss on October 9, 2010 at 12:39pm

This is my first post since I joined. I lost my mom 2 months ago. She went to have a simple knee replacement in feburary and ended up dying 5 months later. 2 days after her surgery her large colon ended up perforated and she ended up needing emergency surgery which including taking out most of her large colon because she became septic. During the surgery she ended up coding and had to be put on life support. For 2 weeks I didnt leave her side hoping she'd end up waking up and breathing on her own. 2 weeks passed and she woke up alert and scared but willing to start breathing on her own. I thought she got a second chance at life. The doctors told me she was still really sick and they need to transfer to a long term facility about an hour away. She was there for 3 weeks until they sent her to a nursing home. There she wasnt getting any better. Until one night her fever spiked to over 105 and she was rushed to the ER nearby. That was an hour away too. She stayed in that hospital for another 2 months. Until the doctors wanted to do another surgery. So they then transferred her to the best surgical hospital in NY. But the surgeons concluded that she would die on the table if they tried. So my mom decided to come to a nursing home right by my house. She was there for 3 weeks, and i saw her every day.Until the last week when the nurses told me she didnt want visitors. I tried calling and she didnt answer. I was waiting to try again on wednesday on my day off. Until 430 in the morning i got a phone call that my mom had passed away.

2 months later im still numb. I lost my way of life, my nurturer. Not a lot of people know what Im going through. So that's why I'm here. To talk to people who are going through the same.

Comment by Nancy Echols-Suich on September 15, 2010 at 12:46pm

To F J McCoin,
First of all...here is a big hug!!!! YES it is not only alright to talk about your parents...You NEED too! I lost both of my parents within a couple of months. My father did of renal failure also, my mother had dementia and died mainly because she wanted to. Sounds strange I know but trust me she wanted to go after dad was gone. I too was the caregiver for both parents. gave them their morphine...all of it. My heart goes to you ...I know what you went through. It is horrible. You do not wish what we went through even on your worst enemy. You need to cry. You need to let it out. If you need to go to the cemetery and cry...Go then. As for you wishing you had gone with them...No..you are needed here on earth. It helps me to think this...they are no longer hurting...they are together...happy and painless. It is us that are left behind that are hurting. When you are hurting the most...close your eyes and remember one good time...one funny time and just linger in that moment. I am here as a friend if you need one.
Nancy

Comment by Byron Eugene Jordan on July 22, 2010 at 11:21am

Hello to all
This is my first day on here and second post. I lost my father, this pass feb.22 to an illness that I cannot spell. My mom passed away sept.27,1995. My brother was killed at the age of 12 Oct.25,1969 in Venezuela by a drunk driver. Now I am the only one left, and I am not married and have no kids. But I do have aunts uncles and cousins. To those that lose both parents at once I feel so and hurt with you. Reading Fl McCoin & Andrew Tucker oh my heart just goes out in pain. You all like the rest on here have my deep prayers.

Comment by FJ McCoin on July 20, 2010 at 2:21pm

I lost both of my parents last November. My mother passed away on the 14th from renal failure and my father passed away on the 19th from renal failure. My mother also had Alzheimer's and my father had dementia. My father took a fall and had a severe brain injury that he could not recover from so we decided to just let nature take it's course. He was able to talk to us for a few days but when the blood from the injury started filling up in his brain and the poison from his kidneys, (since he was already on dialysis) started filling up in his body he went into a semi coma. He was in and out, sometimes he would act like he knew who I was and other times he wouldn't. My mother had to be kept sedated because she was out of control. The poison from her kidneys and her already declined mental state made her a basket case. I had never seen her like that before. It took several people to keep her in the bed. I will never forget her face. It still makes me cry to think of it. Her last words to me were "Mommy". She didn't even know who I was. She always knew who I was. I took care of her. She knew me when she didn't know anyone else.. It is the 8 months mark today. I went to their grave and laid on it and cried my eyes out. I told them I wished I could of went with them and its so lonely without them. I am trying to go on without them but they were such of big part of my life, that I am having a hard time. I have lots of brothers and sisters but I feel like I am so alone. I so wish I had some one to give me a hug and tell me its all right and talk to me about my parents and let me cry until there are no more tears. I am married but my husband just tells me not to cry theres no reason for it. It won't help any thing. Does anyone have any advice for me?

Comment by Kirstine Rushing on May 23, 2010 at 9:57pm

I lost my mom on Jan 22 of this year to lung cancer. She never smoked a day in her life, but was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer after having a bad back. My mom wasn't just my mom, but my best friend. The pain in my heart is beyond what words can describe. I thought things might seem to get better as each month passed, but sadly reality has set in and I am utterly crushed. The pain is unbearable at times. I am pregnant with my 3rd child, a child she will never get to hold. Things never should have turned out this way for her. She was such a good person and was so full of faith. All she wanted to do was start a Christian ministry for women and watch her grandchildren grow up, sadly all of that was taken from her and from us. I love her so much. Thanks for listening.

Comment by Courtney Adams on April 28, 2010 at 11:05am

I just want someone to help me figure out what I can do to help my mom thru this because I know she acts ok but you can tell she is not I want to help her but how????

Comment by terri on April 3, 2010 at 7:30pm

im here for support for myself and my husabnd lost my mom s2yrs ago in oct to cnacer and he lost his parents 4yrs ago but with him he was never able to tell them bye he didint find out tell after the fact that they were gone can any one realte and find words to help him thnk u miss my mom too been two yrs i alomst didnt get home tell it was too late saw her maybe twice and then went into a coma and all

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