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Comment by Brett Bowman on June 12, 2018 at 6:39pm

I remember when I was a kid and stayed home from school with the flu or whatever. I would always try to squeeze as many days as I could out of it. I would always tell my mom that I was still sick, even after I was better.

I'm not lying now. 2 and 1/2 years later, I still feel terrible.

Comment by Avi on June 12, 2018 at 7:54am

Agree bluebell. Daily when I return to home from office and see my father alone I feel horrible. He used to take care of mother all day and now he has nothing to do. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 12, 2018 at 7:14am

I would like to add that it is difficult in the first few months and even years after the passing of our dear Mother's not to have many painful moments. They come and go and seem to have a life of their own. 

This comes from my own experience of grief I have suffered since Mom passed away Feb 14th 2017.

Bluebell

Comment by Avi on June 12, 2018 at 12:59am

Yes I completely agree with Brett. We need to let go the guilt. 

Daylight, thanks for sharing your story. Gall Bladder cancer is a cancer from hell as it is deadly and hardly medical science can do anything when it is in stage 4. My mother had the same disease. Please do not feel guilty that you did not tell her because in my mother's case I was telling her everything and it did not help. Whenever there was a blood test and I can see the disease progressing I used to inform her and it used to create a sense of anxiety in my mother. She used to think why the treatment is not working and become disheartened. Doctor already that the treatment is palliative and not curative so there was not much hope. 
Please consider that she is still with you in all your lovely and painful moments so if you have more painful moments, she will not like it. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 11, 2018 at 9:14pm

Daylight, first I want to thank you for sharing your story. And I'm glad that you were able to find some comfort from this site even before you posted. I have said before that I wish I had known about this site before my mom had died. Maybe I could have gotten some guidance from people who have lived this.

What you were able to do took amazing restraint. I just know me. Even if my family had made such a decision, I would have been the one to crack. I was mom's caretaker. There were so many nights even while she was on Hospice that I was alone with her. She would have seen it in my face. She would have wondered why I was all of the sudden giving her all of my attention. It's different from your story. My mom had a 12 year fight with cancer. She was ready. She had finally stopped fighting. I think that she was both scared and relieved. And I know she was worried about me. Was she ever. Your mom told you that she wanted to stick around for you. When I would make a joke about my mom living to be 100, she would say, "I can't do that for you. I'm sorry."

There is something else. Just a couple of weeks before my mom died, I was contacted by a woman who claimed to be my sister. My dad had an affair with his secretary. His secretary had a baby. The baby was put up for adoption. A lifetime later this lady found her family. Bad timing. I was to wrapped up with my mom to deal with her. I would answer her questions later. My brother's and sister told me to not say a word about it. I did. You have to understand that my dad was horrible. I had not seen him since my mom and dad divorced 40 years earlier. I told my mom. She just rolled her eyes and said, "There's probably more." It didn't even phase her and I am glad.

My mom was right. I have discovered two more sisters since my mom passed. The third, just last week.

Regardless of what road led us to this site, all I know is that we all miss our moms, and I know that guilt is an over riding theme here. Missing our moms so much makes sense, but I sure wish that we would let go of so much guilt. We do this to ourselves. I bet each one of us would have taken a bullet for our moms. That's how much we loved them, and that's how much they loved us. They would have done the same. for us.

Our moms know, God knows, and we know how much we loved them. Knowing that should be our strength and not our downfall.

Comment by Daylight on June 11, 2018 at 8:26pm

Brett, My mother has always been a very healthy human being. However, I think she did know something was wrong. She never phoned me when I was working. One November morning she did. I was busy but as soon as I could, I called her back because I thought something had happened to my pets. She answered and told me she wasn´t going to the supermarket that day because there was food in the fridge. I told her: "mom I know, we talked about that last night." She said: "Yes, you are working, see you later." I swear I knew something very bad was happening because my mother would have never done such a thing. Mind you, she hasn´t been to the doctor or anything yet, but that call meant something very important for us. Next, she began feeling itchy, and we thought she has been stung by a bug. Then, I told her to go to the doctor. Once the test results were ready, I received a call from one of my mother´s children. This was proof that something was terribly wrong because we were not close and they never called me. My mom had an echography and a PET scan, and she never asked a thing about anything. We went to an oncologist and told mother he was a gastroenterologist. The doctor saw her and didn´t tell her anything. Instead, the doctor talked to us. That was the beginning.  She was admitted to the hospital for the first time, and we ( children and grandchildren) did our best to prevent one doctor from telling the real diagnosis to my mom. It was really difficult. All the doctors that saw her wanted to tell her because it was her right to know. We kept telling them that it was a family decision, and when the time came we would tell her. The last doctor told us that mom knew but she was in denial.  Against all odds, that doctor wanted to tell her the truth that day, but I took my mom away before she even tried it. Mom died two weeks later. No time for doctors or family or me to tell her anything.  She was at home, she began feeling really bad in the morning.  She was admitted to the hospital. Half an hour later she lost consciousness, two days later she died.  Every night before going to bed I ask myself the same question.  Why did she never ask a thing about everything that was going on with her body and with her family? I think she knew and she was in denial because she didn't want to leave me. Two weeks before she died, she told me: " It´s not my time yet, you are too young and I can´t die and leave you alone." Those words are still resounding in my head and breaking my heart. Keeping doctors silent was certainly not easy, but neither was it impossible. Now, I feel guilty for not having the courage to talk to my mom about her real illness. I lived in hell every day lying about every new symptom she had. I would tell her anything and no matter how badly she felt she would believe me. I think she unconsciously knew and didn´t want to admit it. There are times in the day when I´m not busy, and  I also cannot believe all that happened is true. Deep inside,  I´m still waiting for her to come back home and tell me that it was a proof or a mistake and that she is back to stay with me.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Brett. I´m so so sorry that you have to say goodbye to your mom too. It is always too soon for us to say goodbye to our moms.

My best...

Comment by Theresa on June 11, 2018 at 8:01pm

Daylight My whole body fell apart I blame it on the stress my stomach is so bad I have to watch everything I eat and I find it to be so strange I hardly eat anything but I’ve gained weight and my anxiety was so bad after my mom passed that I would shake when I was walking I couldn’t control that feeling that would be of a big dark heavy blanket it covered me for one year  after my mom passed it was all  just nothing but a blur the second year reality hit ....

if I was to describe to someone how I feel now December will be three years sometimes I cry sometimes I sit in disbelief sometimes I cry all the way home from work and ask her why she couldn’t wait till I got there at the hospital before she went to cardiac arrest I  have to say  I watched my father suffer it was not good my mothers instance was unusual and unexpected.  

My heart hurts I miss her every day sometimes I’ll get through a day without her coming into my mind constantly and then sometimes she’s always in the back of my mind she was all  I had of course our instance was a little unusual she had me when she was 42 and my brother was already 17 years old so there is quite a gap between him and I so I was like an only child so her and I were close always she was the best mom I could not have asked for  anything more

Comment by Daylight on June 11, 2018 at 7:12pm

Dear Virginia, Theresa, BLUEBELL, Avi, Bret Bowman

Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts with me.  This group has helped me during the worst days. Since my loss is very recent I´m still feeling an intense grief. Although, in the last couples of weeks I have allowed myself to feel a bit better. My grief is emotional and also physical. I have neck and back pain, and they don´t go away.   It´s true what you mention about guilt. It seems to be quite common among us. As BLUEBELL said we don´t need to carry the burden of the "what if" but sometimes it is just impossible.  

My best...

P.S: Brett, I´m going to answer your questions in another post, so I can explain better what happened.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 11, 2018 at 6:37pm

Daylight, this is one of the few times in my life when I have been at a loss for words. No, I do not think you did anything wrong. You just wanted your mom to know some peace in her last days. What is kind of a head scratcher for me is just wondering how you were all able to keep this from your mom. I only have my experience with my mom to draw on. My mom was sick for so long and there had been so many doctors. She was made very aware of everything that was happening to her. Even in your case, it is kind of surprising to me that you were able to keep a doctor from talking to her about her illness. Even in  the end of my moms days, before she went on Hospice, her doctors would come to her room and talk to her. Even if I had been at the hospital 24 hours a day, I don't think I could have kept my mom from finding out. And she certainly knew what going on Hospice meant. I imagine that most doctors would say that a patient has a right to know. I would want to know. But knowing does put a heavy burden on the person who is dying. They suddenly have to deal with their own mortality. That can cause a ton of fear and sadness. Some people are terrified by the notion of closing their eyes for the last time. I know it scares me. Death is something that we cannot control. We have no say in the matter.

I realize that sometimes sickness happens very quickly. It can also happen over the course of just a couple of days. Sometimes the person is just too sick to grasp what is happening to them.

Do you feel like your mom knew that she was dying? Even if she didn't know why? It could be that your mom was being protective of you as well and kept that knowledge to herself. My mom realized for a long time before I did that she was dying. She didn't tell me. She wanted to protect me.

I'm sorry that your mom is gone. I'm sorry that you had to say goodbye. Sometimes we don't say goodbye with words. It's just an inner feeling that we have. I had never really looked at my mom until I knew she was dying. And then there was so much power in our gazes. We were speaking to each other without words. Who knows us better than our moms?

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 11, 2018 at 6:15pm

Crystal, sometimes I think I miss my mom most when I am in a crowd of people. I don't know why. I do feel closer to my mom when I am alone. I can focus on her more. I don't have distractions, but it all hurts. There was a time though when it helped me to keep busy. That was very hard at first. I had quit my job to be with my mom. Months went by before I was working again. I tired to find other ways to stay busy. I volunteered, I took care of the gardens at the church. I went to church a lot more. It wasn't enough though. Having a career like yours would certainly be a blessing. You are not only working hard and keeping your mind occupied, you are also helping others.

Sooner or later we all have to face ourselves alone. We have to make peace with ourselves. For me it's still not guilt that keeps me up at night. It's simply missing my mom. I just miss her so much. I used to be afraid of alone time. Now, I can bear it better. I don't know why. Maybe that is just grief's natural progression. It is a low hum, but even a low hum can drive you crazy. Just remember that your mom is okay now. Take solace in knowing that she is at peace now, and that is no small thing. My mom suffered greatly before dying. It gives me peace to know that she will never be sick again. There is no need for Medicare in heaven. I know my mom's okay. I hope that we will all be okay, too. It sure doesn't happen over night. We have all learned that. It has not been long since you lost your mom. There was a time, before my mom died, that I would have thought that several months was a long time. I know better now. It's been two and a half years for me and I still think it's early. But this is not like the flu where a doctor can guesstimate the length of its course. It is different for every single person.

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