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Comment by Avi on June 18, 2018 at 2:47am

Brett, amazing words. It helped me a lot. 

Bluebell, saw your video and felt amazing. It is great that you have such celebration of life. It is not very common in India. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 17, 2018 at 11:30pm

That is so hard to do. My mom would tell me that she wanted me to be happy after she was gone. I would say, "Mom, how happy would you be if I were the one who was dying?" She couldn't answer that question. Who knows? Maybe if I had been the one who had died, my mom would have been even more sad than I am right now. I would not want that for her. I couldn't be happy knowing that my mom was so sad. I also know that my mom had no reason to beat herself up. She loved me. She told me. She showed me. I would have left this world knowing that I had a wonderful mom. And I know that our mom's left this world knowing that their children loved them with all their hearts.

We should let that be enough. I hope and pray that we will.

This is what I know about you, Virginia. You love your mom. That is also what I know about Avi, Theresa, Bluebell, Crystal, Daylight, Joy, and everyone else who has contributed to this thread. If anything rings true, it's that. We are a collection of wounded people who love their moms with all of our hearts. I honestly do not think there is a place for guilt in all of that love. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 17, 2018 at 11:20pm

If we each go every detail of our lives with our mothers, each one of us will find ample reason to feel guilty. But what would be the point? None of us would be on this site if we didn't love and miss our mom's with all of our hearts.

Virginia, there is one thing that I hope you will understand. I am not a doctor but I am a Nutritionist and I have a good understanding of what depression is. There was a time, about a year after my mom died, that I was in a very dark place. I wanted to die. I just wanted to die. I would never hurt myself, and in a way that only increased my depression. There I was wanting to be dead, yet knowing that I probably had a long life in front of me. That's no way to live. I went to see a therapist. That didn't work for me. I went to see a psychiatrist. That helped greatly for the simple reason that she could prescribe medication that would correct the chemical imbalance that I had. Please understand what this means. When you are suffering from depression, seratonin is reabsorbed into your brain without utilizing it. I have a friend who committed suicide. He had been addicted to meth and his brain could no longer make dopamine, another feel good hormone. It was physically impossible for him  to be happy. His doctors were trying everything possible to correct this imbalance, but he was so far down in the dumps, at such a loss for hope, that he rarely took his medication. He did not give himself a chance to live. He shot himself in his mother's front yard. He never would have done that if he had been well. Now his mom has to live with the visual of seeing her son's dead body, bleeding on her driveway. His brother had to scrub the blood off of his brother off of the driveway.

I'm not mad at him for what he did. He didn't know better. He was in an incredibly dark place. His rationale was the he would be better off dead. You couldn't convince him otherwise. You certainly couldn't convince him in the frame of mind that he was in.

Depression is a disease. What starts out as grief can become full blown Major Depressive Disorder. When that happens, the person who is experiencing it is at an unfair disadvantage. Their greatest advocate (themselves) only sees darkness, a lack of hope.

What you are experiencing right now defies reason. You are determined to blame yourself for just about anything that has to do with your mother's death. What should be happy memories just cause pain instead. We start thinking that we can only be happy if we are with our moms. We know that we will not see them again in this life, and the pain of that is too much to bear. And we don't have the patience to wait around for 30 or 40 years, living in misery.

I'm not saying that you would hurt yourself. Only you know that answer to that question. I do know that you are living with tremendous grief, and that is no way to live. You don't have to live that way. Just taking an anti-depressant opened my eyes. It gave me the tools to fight back against the grief. It's not a cure all, but just giving your brain the chemicals it needs to feel like a regular person can start to lift the clouds of despair. Therapy can be an important tool as well.

I just want you to give yourself a fighting chance to be happy. I wouldn't tell you these things if I didn't care. Believe me... I care. I wish I could just hug the snot out of you and be your best friend when you need one, but sometimes we need even more help.

It's natural that we feel great sadness after losing our moms, but the guilt that we heap upon ourselves is is just a self inflicted punishment that we heap on ourselves. It's almost as if we feel like we don't have the right to be happy again. And what's so odd about that is that, as a people who love their moms so much that we are on a grief forum, we are not honoring their wishes for us. That we go on. That we live happy lives, even without them. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 17, 2018 at 10:06pm

This is a link of me speaking at my sister's husband's Celebration of Life party. I hope it opens for you.

Bluebell 

https://www.icloud.com/attachment/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fcvws.icloud-cont...

Comment by Avi on June 17, 2018 at 7:55am

Great words Bluebell.

I did not even leave my job as you and Virginia did so I have more reasons to feel guilty. I did not even tall to her enough before her illness.

But as Bluebell said guilt has life of its own. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 16, 2018 at 11:45pm

"I quit my job and had the most important job, to take care of her.  She gave me life and took care of me my whole life, only for me to fail her when she needed me.  But what do I do with this guilt?  How do I punish myself?'

Virginia,

Quitting your job to take of your Mom was a very selfless thing to do.Remember that when you are getting down on yourself.

In my opinion,  guilt has a life of it's own and a timeline of it's own. My suggestion is to just let the thoughts come, but let them pass through you. Do not analyze them or dissect your feelings of guilt. It will lessen with time. You did nothing wrong. You did what you thought was right with the knowledge that you had. You did not know that your Mom was going to die on the day that she did. With her disease, life is fragile and unpredictable.

Your guilt is unfounded and intensified by your grief over the loss of your Mom because it is so horribly fresh. There is no need to punish yourself. It was your Mom's time and there was nothing you could have done about that. God called her home and she went to be in his house. You will see her again when it is time. 

There is no need to hurry that time up. Your Mom loves you and wants you to live, have children if you want to, get married if you find the right person and be a success.

Being successful in life has a different meaning for everyone. You have to decide what it is for you. Maybe right now it just means that you get up in the morning, brush your teeth, get dressed and eat breakfast. Maybe it means that you are still breathing and are putting one foot in front of the other to go sit on the couch. Maybe it is keeping busy, working, and taking care of what is most important to you. It is whatever is right for you now. 

You are not going to get the answers to what you want from the hospital doctor or your Mom's doctor. They are on a different plane than you are. I think therapy is a good choice and I hope you find one that you can develop a trust with and who also gives you comfort. A therapist's office should feel like a safe place to go and be whatever you are on that particular day, because right now your emotions and thoughts are going to be all over the place.

Hugs,

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 15, 2018 at 11:41pm

Virginia, I never, ever want to give anyone the impression that I did everything right. And I got way too much praise through mom's illness and after her death. I knew better. They were right about one thing. I sure loved my mom. I could have been a better caretaker though. First on my list is sleep. I'm a night owl. I always have been. Mom rarely slept past six in the morning. Even when she was on Hospice I tried to transition her to my schedule. I slept very close to my mom's hospital bed, but I would wake up when I woke up. Mom, being who she was would have wanted me to get some rest. I imagine there were plenty of times when she would wake up but wouldn't wake me. She may have been thirsty, hungry, and I know she wanted that Bi-Pap off of her. But she never woke me up. I should have adjusted to her time. I knew that mom would call me if she needed me. That's why I slept so close to her, but my mom would not have wanted to be a bother. She always waited patiently for me. I sure wish I had that time back. My mom waiting for me. What a dream come true. To know that I could wake up and see my mom.

The hospital. My mom spent a lot of time in the hospital. I visited her every day and every night, but I have to admit that the hospital just bored the crap out of me. Mom did everything she could to try to make it more fun for me. She would hand me her television remote (like it was about me). Being a mom, she would even try to give me her food. If it looked good I guess she thought that I might want it. I never took it. I actually looked forward to when they would put mom to bed because it meant that I could go home. I took my mom for granted because I had always had her. I lived in fear of the day that I would lose her, but I still had many selfish moments.

Years ago I was knocked down the street by a car. I was walking my dog and a car hit me from behind. For weeks my mom was my caretaker. She was there when I woke up and she was there when I went to sleep. Now there was a caretaker. I didn't match up.

I have lots of reasons to feel guilty and I do, but I also know that I loved/love my mom more than I have ever loved anyone. And I know that punishing myself with guilt is not what my mom would have wanted. In her eyes I was doing the best that I could do. And Lord knows, mom knew how much I loved her.

Here's the reality of the situation. Even if I could have mom back and do it all over again, I would still have selfish moments. We are all very human.

Comment by Virginia G on June 15, 2018 at 11:00pm

I saw my therapist today.  I was telling her most of the time I am feeling strange, like I don’t have emotion.  Then I get upset about it.  Do I forget my memories?  Do I not care about my Mom?  She said it’s the “numbness” I keep reading about, that especially happens in the first year.  I can be crying one minute then numb the next.  I hate it all.  I just want her back. 

Comment by Virginia G on June 15, 2018 at 10:46pm

Brett,

  I don’t understand how you could have guilt.  It sounds as though you did everything right.  I keep saying I could write a book of my mistakes and add something I remember everyday.  The reason I can’t forgive myself is because I did so many things wrong and they were big things.  Things that may have ruined her chances of getting better.  I quit my job and had the most important job, to take care of her.  She gave me life and took care of me my whole life, only for me to fail her when she needed me.  But what do I do with this guilt?  How do I punish myself?  

  

Comment by Virginia G on June 15, 2018 at 10:35pm

Theresa,

I can’t believe they were asking you those questions while doing cpr!  Heartless!  I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

Avi,

congratulations on your car and glad you got your mother’s favorite color. 

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