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Comment by Brett Bowman on June 21, 2018 at 11:06am

Avi, obviously you love your mom. But I know what you mean. If I had not lived with my mom I'm sure that I would not have called her as much as Theresa called hers. It's just having something wonderful and that something or someone disappears in an instant. Sometimes I will be at the grocery store and I will see something that my mom would have liked. And then I remember that I can't get it for her now. Sometimes I'll just want to tell my mom about something that happened to me that day, but then I will remember that she is not here to tell. You go from having so much of your mom to not having her at all. The person who loved us most was always there, waiting in the background, and then she's gone. That is so hard to accept.

I know my mom's gone but this is what it feels like... I can imagine driving to my mother's house, knocking on the door, and no one answers. I can imagine looking in the windows and seeing that all of the furniture is gone, and there is no trace that she was ever there. And I am left wondering where she is, but knowing that she is not coming back. I think that is what we are all experiencing now. Somehow our hearts and mines are still trying to figure out what happened. We know what happened but it just doesn't register the way that it should. On a conscious level we know, but deep down we just can't figure it out or accept it. The way things were before was all that we had ever known. We lost our security. The one constant in our lives, our mother's love, is gone. On a spiritual level we can hope that they are still aware of us, still loving us. But we can't hug them. We can't call them on the phone. We can't drop by for a visit. We can't hear their voice. That is a hard pill to swallow.

When I was little, my mom and I were at an outdoor market. I wondered away from her. I remember feeling an intense panic when I looked around and she wasn't there. I told someone that I lost my mom. In an instant, there she was, and I ran into her arms. I'm still at the outdoor market. Only this time there's no grownup to help me find her. I can't run into her arms. I will have to get by on my own.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 21, 2018 at 10:39am

Theresa, that is a wonderful tribute to your mom. That picture says a lot about the kind of person she was. I guess, for me, the only tribute to my mom is in my heart.

I didn't talk to my mom on the phone. I never had to. She was always with me. It's the silence that bothers me the most. Just hearing her television playing in the sun room. And if my dogs were not under me it was because they were cuddled up next to her. I miss listening to all of the phone conversations between my mom and her sisters. Mom always talked on speaker phone. I never realized the amount of security hearing my mom's voice gave me. As long as I could hear her laugh, all was right with the world. Without her the world just seems like a cold and lonely place. I have plenty of friends and I certainly get out enough, but there was a sense of security that being loved so much provided. I knew how much I mattered to her. I can't replicate that. I can't wave a magic wand and be loved like that again. I can't pray it back.

Comment by Theresa on June 21, 2018 at 7:34am

Yes it is 8:30 am

Have a restful night, namaste my friend....

Comment by Avi on June 21, 2018 at 7:21am

Theresa thanks a lot. I guess guys generally talk less on phone but yes it does not mean that they don't love their parents. 

It is 6 PM in India and I am just about to leave my office. 

Have a great day ahead, I guess it is early morning at your side. 

Comment by Theresa on June 21, 2018 at 7:11am

Avi you should not have guilt, my brother lived far from her and only spoke maybe once a month, it doesn't mean you don't love her.

Thank you for commenting on the pic

Have a good day or night I don't know what time it is there.

Comment by Avi on June 21, 2018 at 6:53am

Amazing Theresa. It is great that you used to talk to her multiple times in a day because few people like me will live with life long guilt of not talking to their mothers often. 

Thanks for sharing the pic as well. 

Comment by Theresa on June 21, 2018 at 5:44am

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Comment by Theresa on June 21, 2018 at 5:38am

Brett so touching, it hard every day, to get up and do the same thing over and over again, but with one thing missing our moms, it was a whole life change for me, I used to get up in the morning and call my mom before she went to 7am mass, just making sure she was ok, because she has lived alone for 17 years in the same house she and my dad bought in I think in 1955, then I would call on my way to work and on my way home, then to tell her about my day, and two more times before bed, and the last one at bed time where she would end our conversation by saying "Love you sweetheart".....she was the best mom, patient, kind, compassionate, she had no hate in her and I still am amazed at how many peoples lives she touched, from the 7 Eleven to the Wawa to the Acme and all over.  :(  The photo I am going to try to post is from where she used to go every day for coffee with the gang and sometimes for dinner, the girls who owned it loved her and she had one seat she would sit in all the time.  When I look at it my heart aches.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 20, 2018 at 10:33pm

I had a friend who lost her mom in high school. I remember feeling so sorry for her and thinking how horrible that would have been if that had happened to me. My friend was at my mom's funeral. She told me that she would have rather have lost her mom when she did, than to lose my mom when I did. I can kind of see her point. I not only had a lifetime with my mom, we just became inseparable as time went by. But this is not a competition. It's horrible for everyone. There is no ideal way for your mom to die. I will say that I wish I had been retired when my mom passed. I'm not even sure why. It was just hard to start over again after mom died. I was tired. Emotionally exhausted. I still am. It would have been nice to stay at home and collect a pension. But that wasn't how things worked out. I'm still tired. Emotionally, it is so hard to to try to get up the gumption to live each day, not simply exist, but to live each day. I miss her so much. I remember how many times I would sit by her bed and hold her hand while she slept. I would put my forehead on her hand and just pray that she would make it for a little while longer. I miss the feel of her hand in mine. I would kiss her on the forehead and say goodnight. I would always tell her that I loved her. She would mumble (half asleep), "I love you, too. Thanks for taking care of me." That was my purpose. It was as if my whole life had led up to that point. I wasn't ready for it to end.

Comment by Avi on June 20, 2018 at 10:06pm

Thanks for sharing the pic Bluebell

Love from India

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