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Comment by Brett Bowman on June 23, 2018 at 10:23pm

Buebell, do you know what caused that, and how did you discover it? That sounds scary.

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 23, 2018 at 10:07pm

I just got out of the hospital today after being there since the 21st. I had a minor bleed in the frontal lobe of my brain. I am going to be okay. I am just left with a headache and some nausea until the blood is reabsorbed and the swelling goes away. 

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 23, 2018 at 9:46pm

I feel like the day my mom died, it was like I pushed away from the dock in a little boat. Now I am way out at sea. I've got provisions, food and water, but I'm just surviving. I hope things will get better. I can't do it on my own. I know. I've tried. I need help from up above. I need a miracle.

Virginia, if you are still reading, I think about you and pray for you each day.

Comment by Theresa on June 23, 2018 at 7:00pm

You said it facing today and tomorrow that’s the hard part now

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 23, 2018 at 4:00pm

Theresa, for me it was a lot of smoke and mirrors. I tried to convince my mom that I was okay. I tried to convince myself that I was okay. I was fooling myself. And deep down I knew that. It wasn't a matter of having the strength to do it. I didn't have a choice, and I sure wasn't going to let my mom see me panic. She had her own worries to deal with without me giving her even more to worry about. It all just makes me miss the days when everything was okay. What I wouldn't give to just be sitting here watching tv with my mom, steaks marinating in the kitchen. I can't have those days back, and that's what breaks my heart. I can close my eyes and remember those days like they were just here, but I can't go back. No one can. Now the issue is facing today and tomorrow.

Comment by Theresa on June 23, 2018 at 3:48pm

How true Brett

I truly do not know if I would’ve had the strength to watch my mom die I watched my father die and that was bad enough mesothelioma

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 23, 2018 at 1:47pm

When I look back, some things are becoming a lot more clear. There was too much pressure. I always wanted to do what was right for my mom but that was so hard. I remember when I was working at AA full time. I would have to leave my mom for eight hours. I would go through my work day just hoping that my mom would be okay. I always made sure that she had her medical alert button around her neck, but I also knew that mom may not push that button. More than likely she wouldn't call 911. She would wait until I got home. One night I got home around 4:00 am. Mom had cut her leg. She was on blood thinners and she would lead profusely. I said, "Mom, why didn't you call 911?" She told me that she wanted to wait until I got home. She could have called me at work but she didn't want to "bother me." I got her to the hospital. They patched her up and sent her home. But that only made me feel worse about leaving her.

There came a point when they would not let mom come home. She had to have a caretaker. She was at a rehab center for a few days. I hated the way they treated her. They weren't mean to her. They just seemed indifferent and they treated her like a child. I got her out of there quickly. That place was breaking her spirit.

I left my job and we had some good days. Mom got to the point where she could drive and shop and enjoy life. And then her body just started to break down. That led to Hospice.

That was a hard experience for both of us. For me there was just so much fear. That first day, after the nurse had left, it was just me and mom. All I had to fight with was a Bi-Pap machine and some medicine. I felt so helpless. I knew that something bad could/would happen and all I could do was call Hospice. I knew that I was just going to have to watch my mom die. I had no control. That is such a hard pill to swallow. My mom had so much faith in me, but I knew that I could only do so much. Her doctors couldn't even help her. Looking back, I believe that I was in constant fight or flight mode, and I didn't even realize it. I was cool on the outside but inside I was experiencing intense trauma. Life is hard. We can't realize how hard it is until it slaps us in the face, or kicks us in the gut.

Comment by Avi on June 23, 2018 at 1:11pm

Yes Brett. Hope drives us through life and gives strength to live. Hope that someday somewhere we will meet our loving mother. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 23, 2018 at 11:48am

Theresa, it only makes sense that you and I would be worry warts. Life has shown us that the worst can happen. I could face almost anything in life when I had my mom in my corner. If I lost everything else, I still had my mom. That meant everything to me.

I have been amazed by how well some have been able to cope with the loss of their mothers. And I also wonder how and why. Some are lucky enough to have a spouse and children to lean on. That is how the circle of life is supposed to work. Didn't turn out that way for me.

Yes, we were fortunate to have had such wonderful moms, but that they were so wonderful only makes losing them harder. I will always give thanks to God for blessing me with my mom, but life's not over yet. We just have to keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. It's when we stop looking that we lose hope. I have no idea what the future holds for each one of us. I just wish that my mom could have been part of it. Losing my my mom was like Samson losing his hair. She was my strength. If my mom were still alive she would tell me to find strength within myself. That's what she did. It's just not that easy. In fact, it's easily the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and this is not a movie. Happy ending are not guaranteed. I'll keep hoping though. And I will keep praying. That's all I have.

Comment by Theresa on June 23, 2018 at 8:15am

 I do have to say I’m the biggest worry wart I wish I wasn’t but I am sometimes I think worrying will not change anything nor will it make it better but it sure does make a difference when I had my mom here she would  give me the strength that I needed sometimes I say to myself is this going to be a battle the rest of my life my sadness 10 years down the road if I’m still here will my heart ache as it does now I don’t know     From what I’ve noticed since losing my mom some people take the death of a parent differently I’ve noticed some people that were caretakers were relieved some people say well my mom was old I feel like besides you all on here I’m the only one that feels that way the way I do but I still miss her and it’s almost been three years    Maybe I should say I was so fortunate to have such a great mom and to have had the relationship that she and I did 

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