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Comment by Theresa on July 3, 2018 at 6:06am

Avi, yes world is short...

Comment by Avi on July 2, 2018 at 10:16am

Crystal, Like you I also feel guilty when I smile or enjoy. I was on vacation since 4 days but not sure how much I thoroughly enjoyed.

I guess this is natural and I hope we all overcome it and also celebrate one day to gether because the others may not understand our grief and feelings . World is short.

Theressa, same here rarely a day when I dont cry.

Comment by Theresa on July 2, 2018 at 8:30am

So today I walked over to my moms picture I have on my bureau and I cried and said please tell me when I won't cry anymore...

I just want to have one day when I won't cry.

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 1, 2018 at 10:40am

Crystal, I harbor plenty of resentment myself. My brothers and sister were not around when my mom was sick. They did not help her, yet when she died they wanted her money. Maybe one day I will be able to let go of that resentment but I am not losing much sleep over it. I just do not want them to be a part of my life. There are times when a person should feel guilty. They have ample reason to feel guilty, that is if they are feeling human beings. That's their baggage. I just do not want to know them. My mom gave too much of herself to have been treated the way she was. I feel like my relationship with them is toxic, and I choose to stay away from them. I feel no guilt about that. Sometimes for our own sake we have to walk away from a toxic environment.

I feel guilty when I laugh or smile, too. That's a problem. I just have to remember that my guilt in that case is unreasonable. It's like when we  were kids and afraid to turn out the lights. There came a time when we realized that the only monsters under the bed were created by our own imaginations. We were doing that to ourselves. Hopefully there comes a point when we say "enough is enough" and we stop torturing ourselves. It's the same thing that we are dealing with now. Your mom would want you to laugh and smile. Doing so does not mean that you love her less or that you have let her go. We have to stop torturing ourselves. That is a conscious choice. 

Comment by Crystal K on July 1, 2018 at 6:45am

Now Im more worried about my anger/resentment issues because its gotten to a point where I am so envious of others and Ive also avoided contact with family members because I havent forgiven them. And I know they must be going through their own guilt but I cant help it. 

Comment by Crystal K on July 1, 2018 at 6:41am

Brett, yes we do torture ourselves with guilt but like you said its so hard not too... I too feel so guilty over little things... I feel guilty just smiling sometimes... You’re right I do go longer periods now without thinking about my mother, but when I do grief hits just as it did the day I lost her. Maybe you’re right, even without the guilt the pain of not having our moms will never go away.. but itd be great to be able to deal with just those emotions without guilt always bothering as well... In the first few months of grief, I stayed in my room most days and cried over pictures and videos... then I decided that I needed to stop because it was overwhelming me.. so I went out, hung out with family and friends... I would like to think that that means Im moving forward, but I think alot of it is to keep my mind busy.. It works, but then I feel guilty for having a good time without her. We feel guilty for what we did/didnt do, how we deal with our grief, letting go of grief... it never ends... I miss her so much... Ive decided to look up a therapist to try and let go of my feelings of guilt and resentment towards others... 

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 30, 2018 at 9:37pm

Theresa, I just want to add that I think it's wonderful that you cry in adoration. I don't know if people who are not Catholic understand what sitting in adoration means. It means that you are in the presence of the body of Christ. Not a representation of Christ, but Christ himself. That you cry means that you have not been desensitized to what that means. And I can promise you, if you want to be in the presence of your mom, you picked the right place.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 30, 2018 at 9:31pm

Theresa, I made mistakes. It wouldn't matter. The pain of losing mom is so strong that I can feel guilt and remorse over the smallest things. I just went to Target and bought some new cups and glasses. That means throwing the old ones out. My mom bought them. I was going through the checkout line and started to cry. It's like throwing a piece of my mom away.

Last night my little dog peed on my mom's comforter. It was my fault. I got hot last night and pushed it off the bed. Krissy just has this thing about tinkling on anything that is left on the floor. I felt very guilty because my mom loved that comforter. I felt like I let her down.

None of it makes sense really. Mom doesn't need that comforter anymore. It still hurts. It still causes guilt.

And the reality is that we do not become perfect children after our mom's die either. I would bet my last dollar that if I could go back in time and do it all over again, even knowing what I know now, there would still be times when I would be selfish.

There is no easy way out of this. Even if I could somehow come to grips with all of the guilt I feel, there is still the realization that I no longer have my mom. There is not a psychiatrist in the world who can fix that.

Comment by Theresa on June 30, 2018 at 6:06pm

Brett By reading all of the things that you have done for your mom on here it leaves me at a loss for words you couldn’t have done any more you were They’re right next to her every minute I would say you should not have anything to feel guilty about I’m sure your mom is is and was so proud of you you seem like a wonderful intelligent kind and caring person of course if I look back in my life yes I do have things that I did that weren’t so kind being a little rebellious going through that stage but sometimes when I look back I know my mother did everything in her power to give me the best life possible.   Sometimes if I lost my patience with her even more than recently after I got a chance to think about it I felt horrible but my mother always looked at the brighter side she was always like OK don’t worry honey it’s OK.  When I go and sit at adoration on Fridays from 9 to 10 before I go to work I say every time I go please please don’t let me cry when I get in the chapel I feel like all I want to do when I am there  is cry and cry and cry I said if I don’t stop this I’m not Going to do this anymore then I say to myself knock it off get a grip

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 30, 2018 at 3:08pm

Theresa, I would say that in your case guilt is even lass warranted than mine. How could you have possibly known that your mom was dying? If the hospital had called you and said, "Your mother is dying. Get here right away!" I'm sure that you would have been there in an instant. There is zero reason for you to feel guilty.

And in my case, I focus on the things that I could have done better instead of the things that I did right. It's always easy to look back in hindsight and see our mistakes.

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