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Comment by Brett Bowman on July 12, 2018 at 1:50pm

Pamela, my dad was horrible. As great as my mom was, my dad was her polar opposite. Since my mom's death I have met three new sisters. All women that were born while my mom and dad were married. My mom didn't know anything about them. That doesn't even begin to cover my dad's flaws and selfishness. He finally decided that he did not want the responsibility of having children and disappeared. Good riddance as far as I'm concerned.

There is one big difference between our situations. You obviously love your mom regardless of what transpired. I'm a religious guy but I also think for myself. I want very much to be honest with myself. It's not necessarily a matter of forgiving your mom. There's an old saying, "I can forgive but I can't forget." My dad and your mom are gone now. Regardless of what they did, they cannot hurt us anymore unless we let them. My best advice would be this... you love your mom. Love her warts and all. You don't have to approve of anything that she did that caused pain. It's over now. The residue of what she did may still be here, but there is nothing you can do now to change anything that happened. All you can do now is allow yourself to heal. Let it go if you can.

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 12, 2018 at 1:26pm

Virginia, this is hard to answer because you are in a dangerous situation. Words carry a lot of weight to someone who actually listens. Please, if you ever feel the desire or need to harm yourself, call 911.

You identified the problem when you wrote, "That will never happen." You have given yourself a life sentence. You have decided to punish yourself for life. That defies reason. It's also heartbreaking to anyone who cares about you.

You know how to live. You breathe in and out. Having a quality of life is going to require work, and I am afraid that as part of your self imposed punishment, you don't think you deserve to be happy or even content.

That is a big problem. You know that God forgives you. You know that your mother forgives you. What your mom's doctor is doing is somewhat extraordinary. I imagine that he knows you have no reason to feel a lifetime of guilt. Everyone of us here feels guilt. Lord knows I do, but I also know that my guilt is undeserved and self imposed. It's just something that we do to ourselves, like we don't already feel badly enough. Our moms are gone, and it's as if the grief has us so beaten down that we feel guilty about even the notion of being happy again.

Virginia, make good choices.  Any choice that you make that brings you more self imposed pain is a bad choice.

Comment by Avi on July 12, 2018 at 12:26pm

Hi Pamela,

As your mom is not with you, I guess you can forget all lies she told you because those may be the situational action required at that time.
Now you can pray for her and as you told that you love her a lot, she is at peace for sure.

Comment by Virginia G on July 12, 2018 at 12:25pm

I’m so scared of everything.  Everything is so wrong.  Nothing makes sense.  I don’t know how to live or want to. 

Comment by Virginia G on July 12, 2018 at 12:14pm

Pamela,

if you want to tell, what kind of things did she lie about?

Comment by Virginia G on July 12, 2018 at 12:13pm

I already told the dr he could talk to my therapist.  I couldn’t get answers so maybe she can.  She was a social worker in a cancer center before.  The doctor said he wanted to take away my guilt.  That will never happen.  Besides what I did wrong in the hospital there is so much more.  I should’ve never let it get to that point.  Things were getting increasingly worse the month before and I should’ve asked for a scan sooner.  It’s so heartbreaking to think what she went through and that I didn’t help her.  She loves life and deserves to live.  How could I let this happen to the person I love more than anything

Comment by Pamela philipp on July 12, 2018 at 11:50am

next month it will be three years since I lost my mom the problem I have is eight days after I lost her I lost my husband as well and I honestly haven't grieved for her at all also I carry a lot of anger when it comes to my mother growing up with her was not easy and all the lies she told are by any standard impossible to forgive and I feel terrible that I feel this way because I do miss her everyday I just don't know how to let go of hurt and anger I do love her and pray to find forgiveness but I know its not working how can I truly find forgiveness when the pain and anger she caused is sitting in the fore front what do I do ?????

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 9, 2018 at 11:23pm

Virginia, that saying, "Everything happens for a reason", and "Why do bad things happen to good people", are all overused. Everyone dies, good or bad. God's not picking on the good people. Death is the great equalizer. No one can avoid it.

Like Bluebell, I am kind of shocked that the ICU doctor wants to talk to your therapist, but I do believe his intentions may be good. It could  simply be that he wants your therapist to understand that you had no fault in this, that there was nothing that could be done for your mom. His intentions may be very good. He may just want to help you. I've never even heard of a doctor being willing to go the extra mile like that after the patient has passed. But it could be that I am giving him to much credit. He may just want to give your therapist his own opinion of you, and that may not be flattering. I'm not saying that to be indelicate. I'm just trying to figure out why he would be willing to become so involved. He may want to help you, which could be a very nice gesture. It's completely your decision. If it were me, I would be inclined to let him talk to my therapist, but I don't want to steer you wrong.

Morphine does relax the heart. In my mom's case it relaxed her lungs so that she could breathe easier. But there is more to it than that. Morphine is usually attached to end of life care, just to make the person more comfortable.

I agree with Bluebell. I wish I could think of the right words that would give you peace. I feel a lot of guilt myself, but not about my mother's death. There was nothing that I could do. There was nothing anyone could do. I have said this before, but it needs to be repeated. People do not just die. My mom and your mom were very sick. The ultimate proof of that is that they did die. If you made mistakes, or if the doctors made mistakes, there was very little room for error. No one is perfect. No one is even anywhere near close to perfect. I can tell you that the Bipap is no magic bullet. At best it could have only extended your mom's life for a little while, if that. And there comes a point when the caregiver and the doctors have to think primarily about the care receivers quality of life. Something I learned a long time ago was that my mom reached a point where she was breathing (with help) but she was not living. As much as I miss her, I am glad that she has been released from that.

Comment by BLUEBELL on July 9, 2018 at 10:23pm

The ICU doctor has no right to speak with your therapist unless you give permission. Personally, I do not know why he would want to do that. How would it help you?

I wish I could say or do something that would click with you Virginia that would somehow release you from being so hard on yourself.

Her death was not your fault. It was the disease that took her away. 

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on July 9, 2018 at 3:30pm

The ICU doctor wants to talk to my therapist.  So I am thinking all about the hospital again.  How I didn’t talk to the doctor, know what was going on, what was I thinking???  Why did I switch to palliative care?  They said morphine would help the heart work less hard.  That sounded like a good thing to me.  Why didn’t they tell me how little time was left?  Why didn’t they try the Bipap instead of doing nothing?  Why did I let them do nothing?  I know I posted this before but I can’t believe I let this happen. I usually am very vocal about her care.  What was I doing?  They gave up and it convinced me to also?  Maybe I should have said to use the ventilator.  No one helped her, after she did everything for me.  Take me Lord I deserve it

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