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Comment by Virginia G on August 4, 2018 at 1:05am

  Hi all, I want ed to say that I read all the posts and am happy to hear what you have to say.  Sometimes I don’t know what else to do but come on the website, but there usually isn’t anyone talking in the chat room.  I’d even like to talk on the phone but no one probably wants to do that.  Theresa, I agree that your husband should be supporting you.  I know some men are not emotional, and maybe he’s one of them, but he should care about your feelings no matter what it’s about.  Brett, I’m sorry your girlfriend didn’t work out.  I agree NO ONE could ever fill the void.

  My boyfriend told me he felt helpless and couldn’t stand seeing me like this.  He told me to call him if I wanted to try.  He had stayed with me through the past four years, even though I barely saw him as time went by.  My Mom needed me and I wanted to be with her anyway.  I told him to move on so he could have a normal girlfriend but he stayed because he loves me and my Mom.  

  As far as things around the house, it’s completely heartbreaking.  I live in an in law suite attached to the house where my Granny used to live.  The three of us (and the dog we had) were so close.  My Mom is an only child also.  I try to stay over here but there are still things everywhere.  And she got me almost everything in my place.  I love that but it hurts for some reason.  Everything hurts.  You’re out and you see something or someone says something and it’s like little knives in your back.

  I keep thinking why am I here?  How am I alive?  I didn’t expect to be that’s for sure and I don’t deserve or want to be.  Why arent I in a mental institution or running screaming through the streets.  That would be appropriate behavior.  I don’t even know how to talk to her or 

God because it seems impossible to convey the proportion of disbelief, sorrow, and guilt.  Sometimes when I’m talking about it, I think how am I even able to?  I don’t understand myself or feel like I know myself anymore. 

  I’m sure I’ve said a lot of these things before so I’m a broken record too.  I repeat things to my therapist every week but I need to.  Everyday I want to talk to my Mom.  I think of things from the past and think, why dont I know this or why didn’t I ask about that.  Or she would know the answer to this.  Some stories she told over and over but I’d never tire of them.  I just want her with me again and everything would be right with the world.

  

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 3, 2018 at 12:32pm

Avi, I would love to have one of those dreams. That would be wonderful.

Comment by Theresa on August 3, 2018 at 5:48am

Avi that is so great!!

Brett please let me know.

Comment by Avi on August 3, 2018 at 4:04am

hi Guys, 

Yesterday my mother came in my dreams. I do not remember the exact conversation but it was motivating. I feel better today to consider that she wants me to enjoy every moment because she loved me a lot. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 2, 2018 at 9:32pm

This is kind of off topic but I have ordered CBD oil. It is legal in all 50 states now because the THC has been removed. I am always looking for a natural way to ease anxiety and depression. Cannabis oil has the most potential of any natural supplement that I have seen. I could explain the science behind that, but it would take a long time. The problem is that our (my) amygdala is overactive. The amygdala is what causes the fight or flight response. It's why I can't sleep. It could be why Theresa wakes up so anxious, and why we release so much cortisol. CBD oil is now legal in all 50 states because the THC has been removed. That's very good because THC has psychoactive properties and can cause panic and paranoia. Cannabis minus THC has a lot of potential to relieve anxiety and depression because it can directly impact the amygdala. No other natural legal supplement can do that. 

I'll let you guys know if it helps. I did a lot of research before choosing one. This has become a huge business. If there is a way to overcome anxiety and depression safely, I want to find it. Some of the research has been incredible. For anxiety many people are getting more relief from CBD oil than Xanax. People are getting more pain relief than from opiates, and Cannabis is actually good for you. It may be too good to be true. I will let you guys know.           

Comment by Theresa on August 2, 2018 at 7:38pm

Brett, no I cannot fill the void no one can, we just have to continue on our lives.

Maybe just maybe one day the pain will lessen and when we think of our moms we can smile.

I am sorry about your girlfriend.

And of course I have my dog who is 11 and like you Brett I know I will have to say goodby one day, he is my world.  He is what gives me the reason to get up everyday......

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 2, 2018 at 3:38pm

I appreciate that, Theresa. I was walking my dog a little while ago. I was praying, asking for peace, and I finally just said, "if it's possible, can I just please talk to my mom?" I told her everything that I wanted to say. I have no idea if she heard me or not. I know this much, she didn't say anything back. It's not like I expected her to.

This is like being lost and not having GPS. I just gave up on my girlfriend. She is devoutly religious and her idea of a response is, "Ask Mary to give you strength." Well, I love Mary but I do not have peace. It's just so hard to find anyone who understands. I'm just treading water and I try to avoid things that seem tempting, like looking through a photo album. That's torture. I appreciate that you listen and understand but you can't fill the void. That would require someone who is right next to me. Some find that through immediate family, husband, wife, children. I just don't have that. I have a dog. I love my dog but it's almost like she is on loan from the library. She's 12. I know I'll have to say goodbye to her soon enough. That is going to be one horrible day.

If we can't find strength through other people, we have to find it in ourselves. That's where my hope lies. I just don't know how to find my way back home.

Comment by Theresa on August 2, 2018 at 3:03pm

Brett I think you hit it on the nose She is gone and she is not coming back that is what is so hard to reconcile.

I feel as though we are fortunate to have had loving moms, some do not they have self ones.

I would be more than glad to listen to  you anytime.

:)

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 2, 2018 at 11:49am

Theresa, it's the same for me. After mom died I saw all of the little things that she used when she was alive. It was so hard. Tee shirts, sneakers, her favorite drinking glass. There were so many things that she had used for years and it broke my heart to know that she had no use for them now. She was just gone. And she's not coming back. Ever. That is so hard to reconcile.

I have a friend who's mother, well she's not dying, but she is elderly and things are starting to happen. I wanted to find a tactful way of telling her to embrace every moment she has with her mom because the end is closer than she realizes. There just is no tactful way to say that. I'm not sure it would matter though. You can't know what it's like until your mom is gone. I get that your husband still has his mom, but you are his life partner and it seems like he would walk every step of the way with you through this, even if he doesn't understand.

That's what scares me. No one will ever love me like my mom did. My therapist has suggested that I fill the void that my mom left. That seems impossible. I know that I couldn't just get married and be okay. She would have to be one incredibly empathetic and caring woman.

I don't even feel like I can talk about this with my minister anymore. He's heard enough and I can tell that he's tired of it. It's a hard reality to realize that you are going through this alone. The one person who could give me some comfort (my mom) is the very person that I am without. It's heartbreaking. 

Comment by Avi on August 2, 2018 at 8:50am

Thanks Theresa and Brett. 

I agree with both of you that we are still broken but the group gives me peace because people here will understand what I am going through. 

Theresa you rightly said that we cannot win over this grief completely but need to learn to live with it now. 

I wish BlueBell is fine. 

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