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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 28, 2012 at 7:33am

Linda - the rest of my message - I ran out of room on the first one.  I honestly did not think I could make it through the funeral.  And, when I got to the funeral and saw him in the casket - I just started screaming.  I ran halfway down the aisle and then couldn't get any closer and just fell into a pew and started screaming.  I couldn't believe that body that I had so many times washed would never need washing again.  A bunch of people who worked at the nursing home though came and picked me up and helped me calm down and get through the funeral.  They are trained to do that.  They go through it every day.  So, I'm sure someone at your funeral home or someone from your church will pick you up and help you stand if you get to a point where you can't do it.  And, don't hesitate to tell people what you need at the funeral - if those brothers of yours won't help you then tell the funeral home staff what you need.  They see this every day, so they should know what to do. The sad part is that as much as I wanted to just get through the funeral, at least planning for the funeral kept my mind off of it and gave me something to keep me busy.  After the funeral, I didn't know what to do with my time.  I'd been going on almost no sleep for years taking care of him, and then I found myself with free time.  I laid on the couch for two weeks and stared at the tv, because I couldn't function.  This is not very re-assuring, but I'm not going to lie to you.  It will be hard, but rely on the staff at the funeral home to help you through whatever you need to get to the other side of this funeral.  If you don't have a good funeral home staff, rely on people from your church.  Or, call people from your church and have them come if you have been loosing contact with them due to being so busy caring for her.  Or, if you are going to another city for the funeral, call the pastor of a family members church.  Just make sure you get someone there to support you.  The funeral home staff at Spring Grove Cemetery where we buried my dad (and my mom before him) were just amazing.  After my mom died, they stayed in touch with my dad for years offering grief support, etc., so my Dad knew most of them, so they were really supportive of us.  I hope you have such a good staff at your funeral home.  I'll be praying for you.  I'm not going to lie to you - it will be hard, but if you can get through 18 years of caregiving and how hard that is, you do have the strength to get through this.  It sucks, and I wish you didn't have to get through it, but you do have the strength to do it.  You've already displayed more strength than most people have just be standing by her and caring for her.  It is a rare person who is able to do that.  I've seen so many old people dropped off at nursing homes and never get a visitor.  You are a rare and special person that you were there day after day while she was sick, so I know you can get through this funeral.  I will be praying for you.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 28, 2012 at 7:33am

Linda, your story sounds so familiar.  I also have two brothers, but they never helped with anything.  They didn't visit.  They didn't come to the funeral.  But, that is another story.  Until I met my husband, every man I'd ever dated was some needy idiot who I felt sorry for due to some situation he had created for himself or wasn't brave enough to get himself out of, and I'd learned to relate to men that way due to my brothers always forcing me to relate to them that way.  My husband was my best friend for years and years and years, and he finally talked me into giving a nice guy a chance, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.  The many many years I've been married to my husband have been great, and he stood by me now matter how much time I had to spend away to take care of my dad and no matter what the stress did to my health and appearance.  The only reason I'm telling that story is to emphasize - why did I ever think two men like my brothers would help?  I knew I was on my own from day one, so I just bucked up and stayed the course no matter how hard it got or how sick I got - I just kept on plugging away cuz I knew I was the only one who was going to do anything.  So, you spend 24/7/365 with a person taking care of them, and you get closer than you ever thought you could get, and when they die you feel like the bottom has fallen out and you are floating.  When you are with someone 24/7/365 and share their fears of everything including their illness and dying, when you share the good times they are able to have, and when they get so bad that you do things you never thought you'd do for a parent like change their bowel movement pants and clean them up - you get so close that it feels like you are connected to them.  You forget where you end and they begin and vice versa, so when they die, you feel like a part of your soul was ripped out and destroyed.  When you've had it happen more than once - in my case first with my mom and then with my dad - your soul feels permanently damaged.  Then, people question why you are grieving so hard - yeah right?  Like I said in a previous message - we are the lucky ones, because we can feel.  It was hard, but I'm glad for every minute I had with my Dad, and I'm the lucky one.  I am not happy that the stress of caring for him is over.  When I was getting ready for the funeral and funeral reception, I was thinking that I could never get through it.  I kept telling myself - in four days this will be over, in three days this will be over.  At one time I was shopping for food for the funeral reception, and I looked up at heaven in the middle of the GFS and said, "God, my dad just died."  I just couldn't believe anyone expected me to walk through that day going to the store like I'd done every day he was alive, but he wasn't here any more.  Things couldn't possibly be the way they had always been, and I couldn't believe anyone expected me to do anything normal when my dad just died. 

Comment by Linda on April 25, 2012 at 11:19am

Sandra/Tracey I really have no other choice but to take care of my Mama's arrangements. I have 2 brothers but they have neveIr been involved in caring for my mama.  It has been both theraputic and the hardest thing I have ever had to do.   I am looking forward to seeing all 3 of my aunts and reminising about my mom and getting big hugs from them but then I have huge anxiety because I know at and after the services it will make mom's death real for me. 

Comment by Tracey Huth on April 25, 2012 at 6:02am

Linda.  I have also been trying not to think about my mom, but it is virtually impossible.  I have the utmost respect for you to be able to prepare everything for her memorial/funeral services.  There is no way that I would be able to do that.   Every day I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  It is so hard to function every day without her.  I try and try and try but every day gets harder and harder.   Stay strong.  That's what I am trying to do.  

Comment by Sandra Nichols on April 23, 2012 at 8:15am

Linda, it will be too overwhelming to think of everything. It is so trite, but take it one hour at a time. That's the only way. I'm so sorry about what you are dealing with. This is the hardest thing I;ve ever gone through. Sounds like it is for you, too. Please hang in there.

Comment by Linda on April 22, 2012 at 12:11am

I think about the last couple months and how I have tried not to ever think about my mama cause I was at the point where I wanted nothing more than to just go be with her.  I wasnt able to sleep, eat and function.  I just wasn't able to go on like that.....  I started having dreams about my mama and her memorial/funeral services are coming up and I have had to take care of all the arrangements so it has brought ALL those feelings back and just not sure how to deal with them?  how does everyone get thru this? 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 21, 2012 at 10:46pm

Erica - two months is not that long.  It is very okay to cry at any time in our grief process (I cried like crazy yesterday at my mom and dad's grave site - my mom's been gone seven years and my dad one year today), and I'm not going to apologize to anyone for it.  Two months is very very early in the grieving process, so please don't feel bad about doing what you need to do, which for you right now is cry.  I have an acquaintance who leads grief support meetings, so she's done a lot of clinical research.  She said that one body of research says that grief tears have a different chemical consistency than regular tears, so obviously God gave us tears as part of our grief, so we could clean out the grief hormones (adrenal glands more active, etc.) and toxins.  Besides, you lived how many ever years old you are now with this woman in your life, and now you have to learn a new way to live without her.  I still remember those first months and even years after I lost my mom - things I'd always done with her were horrible.  We did our shopping, banking, everything together, so to have to face doing those things alone was horrible.  And, it's been seven years and there are still restaurants I can't eat at and probably never will be able to eat at again, because I used to go there with her.  You have to live a new normal for you, but it sure doesn't seem normal.  I remember that feeling, and it is horrible.  God Bless You.

Comment by Erica Garcia SanMiguel on April 21, 2012 at 9:59pm

Tomorrow will be two months since moms passing and I feel so lost without her I know she would not want me crying but it seems like that's all I can do

Comment by Linda on April 21, 2012 at 3:08pm

I am fortunate to have a very supportive boyfriend.  He lost his mothers 4 years ago so he understands my grief..... Sometimes I don't think he understand the depth of m y lose tho.  May 5th is going to be my mama's memorial/funeral services back home in the midwest. Mama lived in seattle with me the last months of her life .....  whereever I lived she lived with me....  the closer to the services and then mothers day the more anxiety I seem to have.... makes me just cry and cry.... I have to put together the rest of the services including a poster of pictures of mama and different people and jsut looking at the pictures makes me miss her so much, I miss her so much it physically ache...  I never imagined it would be this difficult.  I also need to write a ulogy and I can't seem to do it.... its like doing these things will make it more real... even tho I know she is gone.... after her services in my mind she will really be gone forever....

 

everyone tells me she is still with you, in spirit and in your heart... that may be true but I can't see her, I can't touch her, I cant feel her, I cna't touch her.  Its not the same as when she was here with me before she died.  How do I live 44 yrs and have her with me everyday of my life then booom she is gone.... what and how do I go on now? 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 21, 2012 at 9:34am

Steacy - a few minutes have passed, and my husband just came back and said to me, "It's not a good weekend for anniversaries.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of when my sister died."  Then, he walked into the next room.  It was that matter-of-fact.  But, some place inside him he feels the grief or he wouldn't have come back and said that.  He doesn't comfort me through my grief, but he won't let me comfort him through his either.  He doesn't know how to open that part of himself up, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care.  Again, blessings on the new baby.

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