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Comment by Marjorie on June 8, 2012 at 12:20am

My mom died almost a year ago- June 9th 2011, after a 5 year fight with multiple myeloma.  She was my best friend- we talked every day, and the last 2 years of her life I spent at least 1 week a month ( Montana to NC).  She died in my arms.  

I have buried myself in a hole the past year. Grieving for her, and the self I knew as her daughter. My world has been shaken and I'm not sure how it is going to settle.  My mom gave my life a certainty, I was okay.  She loved me. I was smart.  And pretty and could do anything. She was my cheerleader ( in a sardonic way), a good wife, mom, gardener, person.  Now that she is gone I am not sure who I am.

I don't know if I am feeling this way because I spent 2 years revolving around her and her cancer.  Or maybe I am just weak. But I can't seem to get my life going again.  With the anniversary of her death coming up, it seems like I should be moving forward, In some ways I am but I feel paralyzed. All I want to do is watch TV or read. Escape.

I feel like I don't know who I am without her. I have a daughter who is 6 and I put up a brave face and "function" but inside I hurt so much.  I want my mom back. I want my mom back. I don't want her to be dead forever and she is.

This Saturday , which will be a year, I am going to plant a mom garden. All of her favorite plants (or most as we live in Mt!).  I am hoping to honor her in a dedicated way.  

Thanks for the space to express.  Marjorie

 With the one year date coming up, so many intense feeling are resurfacing. 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 5, 2012 at 10:05pm

You are right - there are a lot of people out here who feel the same way you do.  As I read what you said, I remembered feeling almost exactly that same way 2 months after my mom died.  I don't know if we can ever be 100% fully happy again without them, because I'm not 100% fully happy yet.  I do know that it does get a little better each day, each week, each month, each year - until at some point you are not in so much pain that you feel it physically any more.  Please keep coming back and talking to us, because it does help and that much pain is just too much for anyone to be expected to handle alone.  I know some people do try to handle it alone, but I just don't know how they do it.

Comment by Donna Marie on June 5, 2012 at 9:55pm

It is hard to believe that there are so many people out there in the world that feel the same way that I do... I miss my mom so bad that is physically hurts.. She passed away March 25, 2012, so it is not even 2 months yet. I have my moments through the day but I just cannot understand how I will never be able to hug her or see her again.. I just can't handle this because I need her. She was my bestest friend and the one person who I never ever had to doubt.. her trust and love was unconditional and I relied on her advice and love for everything.. I am a very indecisive person and I would call her before I made 99% of decisions.... I just break down sometimes and ask WHY WHY WHY and I just feel like everything in life even the happiest moment can never be 100% fully happy without her now.....

Comment by sharron chadwick on June 5, 2012 at 12:58pm

marlene, i know how you feel hun but as storyas fawnfeather said your mum wouldnt want you to be thinking like that, i really do know how you feel but just keep this thought, she will be at your side every second for the rest of your life, urging you to be strong, just keep her memory alive......... and smile cos she would of wanted that x

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 5, 2012 at 12:25pm

Jean - I'm sorry you are having such a bad day.  The phone was the hard thing for me too when my mom died.  I couldn't believe that she wouldn't be on the other end when I dialed.  Even when she was dying, I would sit and stare at the phone and think how awful it would be when that phone didn't connect with her any more.  I also talked to my mom every day.  It does get better.  But, I know what you are saying.  I felt like something died with me too when my mom died.  I always had this extreme passion about life, and I understood when she died that she was the fuel behind it - her and her love.  I once gave her the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" and told her that was how she was to me.  I never realized how true it really was until she was gone.  I'm just now starting to feel a little passion about life again, but it is rarely two days in a row.  When it is back for a few hours or a day, I remember that is what it used to feel like when mom was alive - I think that feeling is feeling alive myself.  I am just hoping that with time I will feel alive again most days and that one day when my time is up I'll be with her again.  It's amazing how similar all of us who loved and lost our moms feel.

Meriene - it is not wrogn to feel like you want to be with her again.  You love her.  I feel that way all the time.  I still have dreams where I'm with her and she is in the afterlife happily doing her thing and I'm chasing after her practically begging for things to be the way they used to be.  And, I guess some would say that is selfish of me, but she seems to have a handle on it cuz in the dreams she keeps telling me she's okay where she is.  The only thing I can say is that if you ever feel like you want to be with her so much that you feel suicidal, please call an ambulance or go to the emergency room.  Your mom would not want you to die that way, and a few years down the road when you've had time to recover you will see that you didn't really want to die that way either.  I truly believe your mom is watching you from heaven, and I believe that she would be very scared for you if she ever thought you might miss her so much that you would harm yourself.  Please promise me you will see a doctor if it ever gets that bad.

Comment by MSB on June 4, 2012 at 11:03pm

It will be 6 months next week since my mom passed away. I do have a few decent days. However, today was awful. i know it was wrong, but, i kept saying that i want to be with her. I broke down crying and had a horrible day. i don't think it iwll ever get easier.

Comment by Jean Lee DiVozzi on June 4, 2012 at 10:17pm

I started missing Mom today...it was early in the morning at work and I just thought if I could only call her and tell her everything that's going on. I used to call her almost every day and Mom always maid me feel better about everything happening in my life. With out Mom I feel like my life as this certain coldness...like something at my core just died with her. I miss her so much. Even though I am Twenty Nine I still feel like I need her guidance...My dad once said this about how I dress as of lately. "IT IS NOT A SUIT OF ARMOR AND DOES NOT PROTECT YOU FROM YOUR SADNESS." I guess he never thought that maybe I feel like the worst has already happened. Mom is gone forever. Will never get to talk again. She won't be able to spend time with her Animals she loved so much. She'll never get to see what happens with me in my life. It is in it's own way really bad and saddening and I'm making my own way threw it...Today was just harder to get threw at times...  

Comment by sharron chadwick on June 4, 2012 at 11:54am

thankyou for your replies guys, im having a better today and have got alot off my chest with family members that for some reason i pushed away but really we are all feeling the same

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 3, 2012 at 2:02pm

Sharron - do you know what has helped me a lot.  I met a person on the I lost my dad group, and we discovered that our dad's that we had lost were so much alike.  So, we had this long thread going telling each other stories about our dads - their humor, jokes they told, what they liked to eat, etc.  Usually those things hurt me to think about, but when I built a rapport with someone who really got what I was saying and starting sharing good stories, it made me feel a bit better.  Maybe you could share some of those stories either on here or with a close friend.  I was amazed at how remembering my dad in a good way as I told his stories helped me to feel better, at least for a while.

Comment by erica barrera on June 3, 2012 at 1:57pm

Sharon, I agree with storyas....especially cause it sudden...no matter if they are sick and your told they have a year, your never ready for it. When I was feeling the way you did my best friend would check on me and I told how I felt and she understood....she also told my family and friends and every one just gave me my space and was supportive ....when your ready you will reach out to those you "pushed away" ....in time you will feel better...take care and God Bless

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