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Comment by sandee love on June 10, 2012 at 7:45pm

hi everybody. my mom went to heaven on 02/22/12 & i still can't believe it.  the words seem so foreign to me.  i dont know how to function in this world without her.  my heart is torn apart.

 

Comment by Mark on June 10, 2012 at 2:46pm

Storyas it's now weird at all to me.  And here's something to add to that oddity about being tied together.  My mom and I had a tradition on my bday and that was to eat ... chinese!  Specifically from this one chinese restaurant.  Since her death I've had a horrid apetite.  I barely eat anything.  I have cravings but then about 20 minutes later the idea sounds horrid to me.  Anyway, my bday has come and went and this year I just couldn't do the chinese thing.  It's too soon.  I cried all the way through a taco bell taco salad ( her favorite fast food ) the first time I did that so didn't feel like gagging food down and crying yet again. 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 9, 2012 at 2:48pm

Mark, thank you.  It does make sense.

It is funny - I think that the grieving are a family and our loved ones lead us to each other for solace.  This group as one example.  But, yesterday I went to get some take out chinese and I met a lady who had multiple losses in a short time.  She was sitting and waiting for her order and she said, "This is the first time had chinese since my husband died, because we came here all the time together, and I couldn't stand to come without him before now."  Well, that was funny cuz last Saturday I ate Indian food for the first time since my mom died, because she and I always went to the Indian buffet together, and I couldn't stand to go without her.  We both had that same experience in a week and met in a restaurant waiting area.  We traded phone numbers and are going to go to the local grief support together.  I get home and get out of my car, and she pulls up next to me and says, "Oh, my God, you live there."  I said, "Yes."  She said, "I live three blocks down the street.  Can we just ride to the grief support group together."  Now, how weird is that.  Someone wanted us to meet.

Comment by Mark on June 9, 2012 at 2:21pm

Storyas, I can attest to the fact that allowing yourself the right to cry does help.  It is cleansing and it definitely comes from a very different place.  As I said before it usually builds up inside of me for days.  Even weeks before I will release it but afterwards it does feel cleansing.  I also openly talk to my mother when I am alone and without question believe she can hear me.  There are times when I do feel I have to get her attention as I also believe whereever she is at she is oblivious to time and since she can see me she's not quite sure why I miss her. She clearly understands when I'm in pain and anguish and wants to comfort me.  This past week I've felt more at peace but there are still those moments when I still am thrown at how shocking her loss really is.  It's unreal but it's real.  If that makes sense?

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 9, 2012 at 8:00am

Sharron - I'm glad that you are able to cry and it helps you.

Tim - The first Christmas after my mom died, someone from a local grief support group gave me a poem about the first Christmas in heaven.  If that truly is the way it is, then I was very happy for her.  But, it made me cry and cry and cry.  That is a good way to think of it that the day of their death is their birthday in heaven.

I had an experience yesterday.  I got mail out of the box and it was a reminder for one of my dad's doctor appointments.  His last few months he was in a horrible abusive and neglectful nursing home that was so bad that it was closed down after I reported it, so I stayed with him his last months in life to keep him safe in a situation that was horrible that he was so unwell he couldn't get out of and go.  This doctor was one I used to take him to when he could get out and go.  And, when I opened the letter I flashed back to that moment and how he used to hate going to that doctor and was afraid he'd have to have surgery again, and I'd have to calm him down and talk him into going.  I cried off and on all day.  It's been a year and three weeks and in some ways its better but I still have moments.  All day long that letter just made me remember things we did together when I was caring for him but he was still well enough to get out and about, and I just cried and cried all day.  I remember at one point sitting at a stop light and just crying and just knowing these people at the bus stop were looking at me and thinking I was crazy and then I wiped my eyes and looked over and they were talking to each other and didn't even notice me.  How arrogant can I be?  I just can't believe how bad it still hurts and how much I long for the times we shared together when he was healthier.  But, this is the I Love My Mom site, and this is probably inappropriate to share here.  I lost my mom and my dad recently, so I'm on both.  So, I'll add something about my mom too.  I lost my mom before my dad, so it's been over a year since I lost her, and I still have dreams where I'm chasing her around wherever she is now and begging her to take her medicine cuz I can't grasp the fact that the doctors were wrong and she's still alive, which is what she keeps telling me.  Maybe I never grew up, but I can't seem to move on without them.  I just spend so much time longing for things to be the way they used to be.

Comment by Tim D Shoemaker on June 9, 2012 at 6:01am

Here comes another first..this weekend will be my 1st birthday w/o mom. When she went to join dad in heaven in Jan of this year, i didn't think about all the first; last month was her 1st birthday in heaven.  Hopefully, we can go to church tomorrow to be with our church family.

Comment by sharron chadwick on June 8, 2012 at 2:03pm

I used to think crying made me weak but it dont it makes me human.... I spent last week in tears everyday, this weak ive dealt with mums death better so yes its good to cry, ive realised that now

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 8, 2012 at 7:56am

Mark, I think it is necessary to let it out and cry.  I go to a grief support group in my city, and the facilitator told me that a study was done on the difference between grief tears and regular tears, and grief tears have a different chemical composition.  That tells me we were designed to cry during grief - I think it is cleansing.  I think it helps us heal.  I have a lot of dreams about my mom too.  Have you been to the After Death Experiences group on this site.  You might want to go over there and talk if not.  There are a lot of people who share things such as dreams or your water drop experience.  I think any experience can be them contacting us.  For me, the thing that lets me know when it's them is the feeling around it - I think you can feel them.  If you feel different (more peaceful somehow) or think you feel them when something happens, it's probably a message from them.  When my dad was dying, I felt my mom standing behind me.  I turned, and she was not there.  Then, I remembered she had died too.  But, I knew she was there, so I started talking to her.  A lot of people think they can't feel other people, but I think we can but we shut it down.  When I walk in my house, I know if the house is empty and I'm alone or if my husband is home.  I can feel it.  I really felt it when my mom was alive, because we were so connected.  If I walked in her house, I could feel when she was there.  I think we all feel that - our empty house feels different than when our family is in it even if our family are all being as quiet as church mice.  We can feel each other, but our culture teaches us not to believe it or to ignore it.  If you felt your mom there when that raindrop hit you, then I think it may have been from her.  I know I frequently feel someone touching me when no one is there.  And, like you, I've had a lot of dreams about my mom.  I'm glad you found a way to feel a little better sometimes.  Blessings to you.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 8, 2012 at 7:48am

Marjorie - the way your worded that you grieve her and the self you lost as her daughter helped me.  That put the finger on what I've been going through, but I didn't know how to put it in words.  Thank you.  I guess we now have to find a new self to move on with, but it is hard to do that when you don't want to do that.  I don't want to do that.  I want things the way they were.  It sounds like you are in the same place.  You are NOT weak.  Anyone who can take care of a dying loved one is not weak.  I took care of my mom and my dad, and that is the hardest thing you will ever do.  You are not weak.  I hope things feel a bit better this year than they did right after she died, but for some people it can take a while.  It has been more than a year for me, and I'm still grieving.  I think the garden you are doing in memory of your mom is a great idea.  I assume she loved plants or was a gardener herself?  I think what you are going through is pretty normal.  I'm sorry it still hurts so bad, but please know that a lot of people experience grief for this long.  I just hope that it is slowly feeling a little bit better each day.  I'll be thinking of you while you are planting your mom's garden tomorrow.

Comment by Mark on June 8, 2012 at 3:45am

I think I've found a way to help deal with this loss just a little bit better.  Allow myself to cry.  I've notice each day I stifle it the unbearable feelings get worse.  When I finally take just even one day each week and release all that built up pain for maybe 2 days I feel a bit better. It seems to be a cycle that helps a little.  For the last week I've been dreaming of mom a lot more.  It will be 6 months in about a week and a half.  Amazing how fast that has went by.  In my dreams it's her hands that seem to make me emotional.  I'm not sure why.  Anyway, on this last Sunday I really had a good weeping cry.  Just from the guts.  The next day I get out of my truck and I feel this tap on my shoulder.  I look at it and one single drop of I guess dew dripping from the roof of an awning had driped on me.  Maybe I'm being stupid but I took it as my mom sharing a cry with me or letting me know she was on my shoulder.  I miss her so much.  It's ok to let it out and cry.

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