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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 13, 2012 at 9:32pm

Mary - I am so sorry you lost your mom.  I just wanted you to know that my prayers are with you.  It has only been three months since you lost your mom, and already you are helping others so much.  I just don't want you to be forgotten in your helping others so soon after your mom's death.  I wanted to reach out to you too and tell you how sorry I am for your loss and the pain you are feeling.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 13, 2012 at 9:28pm

Dee - I am so sorry about the loss of your mom.  Three weeks after is so hard.  It hasn't even had time to sink in yet, at least it didn't for me.   It is true that we have to go on for someone . . . our kids, our pets.  In my case, I had to go on after my mom died for my dad.  I had to go on after my dad died for the nieces and nephews and their children.  These deaths split our family down the middle, and I'm the only one who is still there for all those kids since my parents went to heaven.  I think it is okay to talk to our kids and tell them how bad we are feeling and apologize to them for any ways we are not ourselves.  We can word it on their level and help them understand.  I think as long as kids understand, they are okay.  I know my five year old grand-niece has a way of helping people through tough times in the most innocent and pure ways that make you think the angels in heaven work through her (or my mother - I've felt my mother with her since her birth).  To give an example, after my dad died, I adopted a dog that had been rescued from a hoarder.  My dad was an abuse survivor, so I wanted to help someone or something else that had been abused in his memory.  I didn't even realize my niece had over heard conversations the parents had with me about the dog.  But, one day the dog got really scared, and she went over and put her arms around his big neck (he is bigger than her and she wasn't scared at all) and said, "Don't be afraid, Elbert.  No one is ever going to hurt you again.  We all love you."  Hugs from kids can help us heal a lot.  They are still going to be kids and misbehave when we most need them to behave at times, but they have a way of seeing our suffering, and if we let them in, giving hugs and love and support in ways that we would never think of giving it as adults.  I sometimes think the acting up that can happen with kids when adults are grieving is their way of compensating for not being included in what is going on.  I could be wrong, but that is how I see it.  Let the kids help you through this.  They can't do it like an adult can, and they can't understand it at an adult level, but they can understand enough to love you through it.  Kids want to take care of their parents too.  I remember once when I was very little crying myself to sleep because I saw my parents going through a hard time.  And, they do understand.  Maybe letting them help you will help them too.  My friend has a two year old grandson.  Right around the time he turned two, his other grand mother died.  Everyone assumed he didn't understand what was going on.  He started acting up at the hospital, so Daddy took him out to the car to take him for a ride and let him calm down.  He locked him in the car seat, and suddenly this little guy started screaming, "No, No, No, I no want Gramma to go away for good."  I think if we let our kids into our pain that it can help them too.  They may be feeling way more than you think they are too.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 13, 2012 at 9:17pm

Sandee Love - I'm so sorry that you lost your mom.  I know your pain.  I remember feeling that way right after my mom died and then again right after my dad died.  It has gotten a little better.  I no longer feel that way all the time like I did right after, but it comes and goes.  I noticed you said you were drinking.  Please be careful.  I started drinking six months before my dad died.  I don't drink.  I started drinking excessive amounts of red wine.  I drank like that until about six months after my dad died.  One day I just woke up and realized it was playing havoc on my body and I didn't feel good, and I was far enough along in my grief that I was able to quit.  But, please be careful.  I wouldn't want you to spend a drunken year like I did.  No judgment - just concern.  I think the alcohol in some ways made the grief harder to bear.  I think the alcohol made me more depressed.  I started feeling better when I quit drinking.  I think the alcohol does something chemically that makes us more depressed.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 13, 2012 at 9:13pm

Mark - it is so weird how food ties so much into our grief.  I've had so many people tell me that they can't eat favorite foods of their loved one.  I remember back when my mom's mom (my grandmother) died, my mom said that she was worried about my grandmother, because my grandmother always loved to eat so much and she wanted to know she'd have plenty to eat.  I felt the same way when my mom died.  I guess food is a way we care for each other in this life, and we want to still be able to take care of them in the next life and know they have their needs met.  I'm so sorry the Chinese restaurant was so hard for you, but I totally understand.  I did make it to an Indian restaurant, but I had to hold back tears during the first half of the meal.  I still can't walk in a Red Lobster cuz that is where me and my mom always went on our birthdays.

Comment by Dee on June 13, 2012 at 8:51pm

Thank you for your  kind words Sandee - I know how you feel.  I'm so heartbroken that I can barely breathe.  I'm also trying to juggle a very delicate balance between my step dad & his family (they were only married 3 years).  I'm trying to ensure nothing is given away that belonged to my mom without appearing to be raiding their house. 

Comment by sandee love on June 13, 2012 at 12:50pm

Hi Dee, I know how you feel. On the 22nd it will be 4 months since my mom went to heaven.  I still can't believe it.  My heart feels empty, the whole world is different. I don't know how to function in this world without her. I keep wanting to join her in heaven but I have responsibilities.  My cat.  Just like you have responsibilities with your kids.  Mt cat is my kid & no one will care for her like I do.  It's ok that you have all these feeling around your kids.  It's just showing them that you are a human being. 1 day at a time. I feel you.  

Comment by Dee on June 13, 2012 at 12:16pm

Hi everyone...I'm new here.  Just lost my beloved mother 3 weeks ago.  I have no idea how I'm supposed to move on.  I am completely devastated & so unsure how to proceed.  I have little ones, so life must go on but I'm so scared that my intense grieving is hurting my boys.  I go through periods of feeling abandoned/orphaned (my dad is living but we're not close - my mom raised me by herself since I was 3) & mad thinking about how God expects me to go on without her here everyday.  I counted on her for so much.  Blessings...

Comment by Mary on June 10, 2012 at 10:05pm

You never know Sandee love-angels or our own mothers conspiring in heaven :) Just take your time processing all of it.

Comment by sandee love on June 10, 2012 at 7:59pm

thanks mary.  mary is  my moms name. coincidental or the angels??....anyway,  refuse to refer to her in the past tense.  ive been drinking & havent really accepted it wholeheartedly.  im afraid if i do, it will be real. even though intellectually i know its real but my heart cant/wont accept it right now. 

Comment by Mary on June 10, 2012 at 7:53pm

Sandee love, My mother passed on 3/22/12 and it is very difficult and everyone kept telling me that it will get better and it does a tiny bit with each new day.  It really has helped to talk to others who loved her and tell our memories and stories.  Strange and morbid as it may seem the thing that has helped me the most is the pictures of her I took her last day on this earth.  My best friend convinced me to allow her to take a picture of mom hours before she passed and another one after she passed.  The pain and hardness of her face before her death and the peacefulness of her face after her death demonstrate to me that she is no longer suffering.  It also helps that my mom had such an enormous love of Christ and a Faith that I've never witnessed in anyone else but my Grandmother and I know she is happy and in heaven. 

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