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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 20, 2012 at 10:18pm

Mark, I have to respond to validate you and to thank you for validating me.  What you described about going through so much only to get to that final suffering that is even worse is exactly how I felt after my mom and dad died.  My mom died a few years ago and my dad's death was recent.  But, they both suffered so much and then at the end it was worse than I can even express.  I guess I must still be depressed, because I look back on times when they were healthy and we were together and loving each other, and I think one minutes what's the point, because all of that wasn't real any way or it wouldn't be gone and the next minute I'm thinking how great that was to be back there when I was oblivious to how bad it can get and then I long to be there again.  And, I get in these dark moods where I think to myself that if it can end that way how can I enjoy one day of my life knowing that is what it is coming to.  I think from what you said that is kinda the way you've felt, and I've been afraid to tell anyone I felt that way for fear they would think I was crazy.  And, you are not  an oddball.  I was a caregiver for my parents all my life too.  My parents were from the poverty of the Appalachian Mountains.  They had almost no education.  My mom could read a little, but my dad couldn't read or write.  My dad was also severely handicapped from child abuse and had PTSD from the child abuse, so he often needed to be talked down from PTSD fears.  And, my mom couldn't drive, so I took her to the store, the bank, everything.  And, I mostly didn't mind that.  Sometimes I would long for my life to be more like everyone else's, but the largest majority of the time I was happy when I was with them.  So, I didn't just loose my parents - I lost the last link to my Appalachian culture, and I lost the only lifestyle I had known, and I lost the two people who meant more to me than anything in the world.  I was also mad at God for a while, and afraid of him.  I was mad at him that he didn't answer my prayers and save them or at least take away some of their suffering.  And, I was afraid that he was a punishing God that I couldn't trust to leave my parents with due to some bad religious teachings from my family's past that I am now working with healthy pastors to overcome.  A wise Christian woman I know told me that if I'm mad at God I may as well admit it cuz he already knew any way and that he is a big God and he can handle it.  She said my anger wasn't going to make his world crumble and have him running off with his tail between his legs, because my God was so powerful that he had already handled way way more than my anger and done it successfully.  That helped me.  The good news is that I am getting over my anger at God and my days are not as dark as they used to be.  So, hold onto hope that it does get better.  One of the keys for me was finding something I love and doing it.  I volunteer in my church office a couple of mornings a week, because I love being around spirit filled Christians in this healthy church I have now found (I got away from the hate-filled one), and I am writing my dad's abuse story in a book.  Working in the church helps me cuz I love it,and writing the book helps me cuz I feel like I'm honoring my dad by telling his story cuz all of his life people tried to push his abuse under the rug and I'm standing up and validating him.  And, I try to tell my nieces and nephews stories about my mom and her goodness.  And, I've been talking to them and saying out loud I miss them and I love them.  And, I got a dog that I honestly believe my dad sent me from the other side, because before he died my dad told me he was going to get me a white and black bulldog and three days after my dad's funeral one just fell in my lap without me looking for him.  So, grieve, but at the same time try to find a few hours to live the way you've always wanted to live - baby step into living your life without being a caregiver.

Comment by Mark on June 20, 2012 at 4:46pm

Donna and Mary, thank you both for the words of wisdom.  Donna, I constantly think in the terms of what "mom" would want as far as my approach to life.  To know her as she was on this earth and all she had to deal with the idea of me giving up wouldn't even be a thought in her mind.  Her theory would be no matter what the struggle is just keep going.  It's just so hard with that touchstone not around.  I feel her or at least I think I feel her at times.   The times I've cried alone just weeping probably within 24 hours something will happen that will remind me that she was behind the event or was watching out for me.  It's hard to explain how close we were but when you have been someones arms and legs their whole life it really is like you've just been severed from your siamese twin.  Worse when you explain a portion of your lifes journey to a grief counselor and they sit there with their jaw wide open saying.. Wow, this is very new.  I've never encountered this type of loss where the care provider has been giving care for their entire life for the last 40 plus years and they know no other lifestyle.  Even that makes you feel like more of an oddball.

Comment by Donna Schlatter on June 20, 2012 at 3:03pm

Mark, I can feel your pain right through the words you write and it breaks my heart.  Remember we all grieve at different levels and we all have our individual windows of how long it will take us to get where we need to be.  Grieving is a process and has many different phases.  Anger is most certainly one of them.  You have to wonder why GOD would take such GOOD people off the face of this earth?  People that were honest, hard working and still had so much to offer.  I guess we will never know the reasons.  All the people on this forum feel exactly the way you do or have that way in the past.  We understand the pain and would never judge anyone for the way they feel or the things they are thinking.  Just know that YOUR life must go on, as I'm sure your mother would want it to.  Sometimes I do things just because I KNOW my mother woud have wanted me to.  And then I speak to her and let her know that I appreciate how she is STILL helping me even though she is in heaven.  Just because your mother is no longer here physically does not mean she is GONE.  She is with you spiritually and emotionally ALL of the time.  Her love and grace are around you constantly and you should feed off that and try to remember her beautiful face and all that she has taught you.  This is what gets me through my days. 

Comment by Mary on June 20, 2012 at 2:38pm

Mark, I totally agree with you about this site and also about being mad at God.  I was furious with God and I let him know it and then I started feeling bad about that and talked with a dear friend of mine who became a minister-but she's not your traditional minister and she told me it is totally ok to be mad at God and to let him know it too because he is after all our father and we are his children and children often get mad at their parents and tell them their feelings.  That really helped me to hear that.  My faith in God was tested, not completely destroyed, but that is only because I thought about my mom and how she had been through so very much in her life, yet never lost her faith in God and would hate for me to lose mine over losing her.  Am I still mad-you betcha, is it getting any easier-there are moments, I had a crying spell today-just little things trigger them-today it was a butterfly-seeing it made me miss my mom even more and wish she was here. Keep sharing and venting on here-it is so therapeutic

Comment by Mark on June 20, 2012 at 1:08pm

Hi Brenda :)  Todays a new day.  Some days are better than others.  This websight is important to me for the very reasons you suggested.  The comments that I make when I'm having a rough moment are comments I would never share in public.  Years ago I learned how to put on a good face for those watching.  This place enables me to share very deep very private feelings.  I hate always carrying them around inside while I'm smiling on the outside.  Yes, I believe in God.  I'm just very mad at him right now.  A friend said to me there are certain things we just file away in a personal file cabinet way down deep inside that only we are allowed to look at.  I'm mad as hell at God but I don't like looking at all of that because it makes me feel worse because the faith I had in God has been completely destroyed.   

Comment by Mary on June 18, 2012 at 12:37pm

Dee at three weeks, I was in the same place you are now, and it DOES get easier, but I think much of how it gets easier is based on your beliefs.  I know my mom is in heaven and I know that she is happy because she always talked about how joyous a time it will be when she gets to heaven and gets to be with Jesus and God and all her family and friends who went before her. I miss her terribly and I would be lying if I said I don't have days where I just cry and cry, but those days are less frequent, I am able to function more and more and I finally decided to go to a grief support group through hospice-which I think is a big step.  Consider this group as family-Mark and know you are not alone and your mom would never want you to give up!!

Comment by Brenda Ann on June 18, 2012 at 11:29am

Mark, I am so sorry you are in such agony.  If you think about family in a broader sense of the word - you might consider the members of this website family.  Here are people who are also grieving and suffering in a way that helps us share a family like bond.  You can feel safe to pour out your heart and never be judged.

Do you believe in God? the Bible?  If so I would be very happy to send you comfort from the scriptures.  I will keep you in my prayer asking God to comfort you.

Your Friend,

Brenda

www.grief-and-comfort.com

support@grief-and-comfort.com

Comment by Mark on June 18, 2012 at 10:21am

I envy that many of you have others still left to hold and go through this hell with.  I don't have that.  For the last couple of days I've really been thinking about just how literal the loss of my mom is.  She was my life.  My complete focus and I will never see or speak to her ever again.  I'm so tired of this unbearable agony.  I want and need for the pain and horror to end.  The future seems no better.  After all we endured to see the final horror it has made me ubber paranoid that life for me is completely dark.  I wish I had someone who understood the intensity of my situation.  I wish I had family.  I wish... for so much.  This all has to be a huge nightmare the way it ended.  I want to be with my mom and be at peace.

Comment by sharron chadwick on June 16, 2012 at 3:16am

Hi dee, i know how you feel hun, i lost my mu
In march, it still feels very raw, i come from a big family and we r all dealing with ig in very differant ways, i pushed myself into work and the gym cos i needed to keep busy, my partner also works overseas so he hasnt really been around, this is how i deal with it but i did have a melt down 2 weeks ago and became very subdued,i had to tell myself if pops can do it so can i, shes in a far better place than here, most of time im ok but get moments when i feel guilty, guilty for feeling relieved shes out of pain!!! Everyday is a new day and u have to take it 1 day at a time, im sure the hurt wont ever go away but u will b able to live with it eventually, keep smiling ours mums wouldnt want us to be sad xx

Comment by Dee on June 13, 2012 at 9:43pm

Thank you Storyas...last week, I was laying in bed, eating popcorn with my 4-year old (trying to have a special night with him) & as we were laying next to each other, he looked at me & quietly said, "I miss Grandma," then reached over & embraced me - completely on his own.  You're so right, children are so healing & they also know how to be comforting.  Thank you for your kind words.

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